Age gap relationship

[SJFarter]

I'm 43, I have a DD age 3. Split up with DD's dad last year. I know a man from a hobby and I think there is an attraction forming. He's 59 with two grown up kids. The shared hobby is an active one, so he's fit and healthy. I've never been attracted to someone this much older than me before. I don't need him (or anyone) for financial security reasons but he's nice, I've known him for a few years. I just worry that in 10 years, he'll be a pensioner and I'll still be early 50s with a teenager.

Why don’t you just see where it goes?

That's a difficult one.

My dad is 66 and my dd (17) stays with him half the week as he live right by her college. He is amazing with her and has the energy to keep up with her. They do quite a bit together. He is also very close to my 10 year old and again no problem keeping up.

But like you, I would be concerned about the difference.

The fact is, no one can tell you how it will work out. If you really like him, is his age that big of a deal its worth missing a good relationship for?

Who cares about 10 years from now? Just deal with the here and now and see where it goes.

I had to make this decision, except I was 27 and he is 42. I (mainly on mumsnet) had a lot of comments about ending up a carer, a widow etc. I get it, I do but if we are still together by the age he'd likely need care, or would die (outside of a tragic accident) then I will have had 30+ years with him, that's a lot longer than 50% of marriages last anyway!

I'm quite realistic about relationships, I'm not entirely convinced you are supposed to spend your whole life with one person, different people can be right at different points in your life. Right now, he is the right person to have my family with. I know that because we are bringing up our child (and have another en route!) We get on, he's a great hands on dad, we have a lot of fun and we're a team. If it all goes wrong in 30+ years, am I really going to regret that? If it goes wrong in 10 years, I still had my babies and had someone supportive raising them with me.

It's a bit different in your situation, your closer to that 'dday' where the gap catches up with you, again according to MN as I haven't experience of it yet. This is just my two cents from my own decision making.

I’d see how it goes for now, but I’d also not be closing out other options.
‘Who cares what happens in 10 years’ - is an approach one can take when young. But, sadly, with the ages you are at - it’s not realistic.
He will be nearly 70 in ten years. And even if fit now - a fit 70yo isnt a great companion to a woman in her early 50s.
Women who get with much older men in their 20s - at least get a good chunk of time when both are young and active. Before it changes.

stupid post.

Age is a number, means nothing and anyone any age can drop dead at any time.

I'm in a similar situation but the other way around. I'm 43 and he's coming up 25........my friends all think I'm a fool as they can't see how we've got anything in common and that he must be less mature than me. I'm not sure how to answer your question but you're not the only one

I can only speak for myself, but I wouldn't even consider it. I'm 53 and wouldn't want to be with a 59 year old, never mind a 69 year old, which is where you'd be if it was long term. Ime, men typically (although I'm sure there are exceptions) age and slow down a lot more rapidly than we do in middle age. The middle aged women I know are far more compatible with a man 15 years younger (at least!) rather than older. However, it's a huge generalisation and yours may be the exception.

Mutual understanding between couples is makes relationship strong. I think age is number.

@Sportslady44

stupid post.

Age is a number, means nothing and anyone any age can drop dead at any time.

Not sure why you needed to rude.

Of course people can drop dead anytime

But the older you get, the more likey it is. And ita not just dying. It's aging and the impact that has on others who will need to care for you.

Age really isn't just a number. Op has reservations and seeking advice. That's not stupid.

@Sportslady44

It’s very naive to say things like age is just a number. Anyone can drop dead any time, ok. That is true for any person and any relationship. So it’s a point that doesn’t add anything really.

What does matter is connection and phase of life people in. And with nearly 20 years difference - one would be retiring at different times. And natural ageing will at some point make levels of energy and ability to do things very different. Level of hormones also change affecting libido and ability to have sex. And of course, with age - health problems do tend to creep up.
So naturally, most 50yo women don’t seek and are not in relationships with 70yos. Which is where OP would end up.

But she can date him now and in short/medium term it’ll work Ok.

Similarly for @Blushingm…. Plenty of women in their 40s have toy boys in their 20s. Why not - it’s fun for all involved. And as long as they realise that those relationships generally don’t last long term - no one gets hurt.
But eventually the young men mature and enter the stage of life where they settle down and have kids and for that they find women closer in age. As 50yo women can’t give them that.

So when you're 53 he will be 69 ... not even 70?! If he keeps in shape, 69 years won't seem old. Are you sure you aren't stuck in stereotypical thinking? x

Thanks all. Food for thought. It has occurred to me that I may be on the rebound, and knowing my situation, he might just be being kind.

@TheBoreOfHabilon

How old are you? I am guessing in your 30s? And to you women in their 50 seem quite old, and as old as men in their (nearly) 70s…

I got divorced in mid 40s. And my single friends are all late 40s - early 50s. Not a single one would look at a man approaching 70, no matter how fir for they are for their age. They are just not attractive to most of women my age.

When you reach our age you will realise that if you keep fit and eat healthy - you actually can have quite a nice and fun time dating.
And there are plenty of men in their 40s and 50s that are around and virile. Lots of people get divorced around that age and form new relationships.
And even if not dating new people - married people my age still are quite active. Kids are older, we are comfortable financially - so life is still far from retirement.

We also still like having sex, hard as it might be to imagine for you. And men do start having issues after 50, and certainly in their 60s. I don’t even know what happens with their performance after 60.

So - OP - if I were you - I’d not date him. I’d be friends and spend time with him, etc.
But I’d date people who are closer in age and have a potential to be a long term relationship.

It's pathetic not to grab the moment and enjoy a relationship with someone just because you think they are the wrong age. Life is hard enough and any relationship has its challenges. You might meet someone your own age whose an absolute shit to you
Nobody knows how things will work out or who will go first. Grab happiness and stop posting this crap boils my pics.

Possible that should say.

Piss

I think the age gap feels wider as you age.

I've been with my DH for over 20 years. He's almost 20 years older than me. I'm going to be honest. 20 years ago it didn't matter at all. Now I'm in my mid 50s and he's in his mid 70s. I love him dearly but the difference shows. I wouldn't change a thing, but people who say age is just a number are deluding themselves. We are now at very stages of our lives.

That should say 'very different stages of our lives'

@Sportslady44

It's pathetic not to grab the moment and enjoy a relationship with someone just because you think they are the wrong age. Life is hard enough and any relationship has its challenges. You might meet someone your own age whose an absolute shit to you Nobody knows how things will work out or who will go first. Grab happiness and stop posting this crap boils my pics.

Its not always that simple. Age gap relationships can be very challenging (more so OW/YM than OPs situation, but OM/YW brings other issues) and I think OP is right to give it some thought. She only likes this man, she's not overly attached yet and is at an age where she has plenty of options. To be brutally honest, if she's open to dating that age group, she'll have a queue to pick from, so doesn't need to grab her one chance of happiness. There will be others. It's very sensible of her to consider the pros and cons, before she allows an attachment to develop that she could end up regretting.

If you're worried about the age gap now, when you're only considering that an 'attraction may be forming', then probably an age-gap relationship isn't for you. It's already causing you worry and you're not even in a relationship, or sure you want to be.

What's up with looking for somebody who doesn't cause you any worries?

@Celia66 thank you so much for sharing your story here.
Most of the time these sort of threads have 20-30yo women dating 40-50yo men, who are still energetic and appear more mature and caring to young women.
Then other young women in age gap relationships pile up and say things like - age is just a number; love is all that matters.
They generally don’t want to think or realise what life will be like when they are themselves much older. Or, like someone on this thread - they assume that when they hit 50s themselves - they will be old women themselves and being with an older retired man will be just fine.
And of course - there are all sorts of relationships and all sorts of stories. And for some - 20 years of happy life is worth another 15 years when you will not have a relationship where you will still be young and active while your partner will be in decline, and possibly even needing help/care.