Ex friend won't let me go

[Mermaidlagoon]

Been friends with this girl since we were young. She has childhood trauma issues that have affected her mental health in adulthood. She has been seeing a therapist for years. I've always supported her through her issues but the past two years it's gotten worse, she's been lying to me, trying to come between my other friendships. It's become obsessive, she says I'm her family, I've seen her drive past my house (cul-de-sac) I've since had a child and it's shifted my priorities. I've told her I can't be what she wants me to be and it's too much, my priority has to be my family and I have to take a step back. She took this to mean I'm struggling and I need her help, that's the opposite of what I need, I need her to stay away from me. She doesn't respect me boundaries, I know it's not her fault she probably just can't understand. She just messages and messages again, I stopped replying so she pushed a gift through my door and a weird long letter explaining everything but that made no sense. I felt rude to ignore the gift so messaged her to say thank you but she started asking to meet up again. I was so stressed out by this point, my life is very full on at the minute. I messaged to say once and for all I won't be meeting up with her now or in the future and I wish her well and hope she's happy. She didn't get the hint and kept sending random messages as if nothing had happened so I blocked her on the messaging service she was using to message me. So she sent her husband round to talk to me about what she'd done wrong and tell me how upset she is, she'd clearly sent him round and told him what to ask, it was very awkward and I now feel like if I don't unblock her it'll be her turning up at my house next. But if I do unblock her she'll carry on messaging me and it's not what I want. I said to my partner I feel angry now and like messaging her to piss off but he said that's cruel and not like me, which it isn't but I feel like I'm trapped and I've tried to end this friendship and she's basically said no I'm not letting you go. Everything in my life is tainted by her, Christmas, new year, birthdays she's always popping up and it becomes all about her. It's my babies first birthday soon and I know she'll pop up then, but I just don't want her involved in everything that happens, I don't want her involved in anything anymore but I don't know what my next move should be.

Sounds like your next move should be a restraining order or else she'll just get worse

Poor you and poor her. Could you try keeping her in your life but with very firm boundaries. For example, meet once a month for a coffee in a neutral place. No one but the two of you (don’t take baby). No contact in between times. No involving each other in lives other than that.

If she says she is struggling at those meet ups you can sign post her to other support.

Oh lord. I wouldn’t meet up or engage with her or her husband. Be blunt, sqy no, close the door on them if need be. “No thank you, I do not want your company” or similar, again and again.

Gosh that’s tough op. But you’re not responsible for her mental health and she’s affecting YOUR mental health too. Don’t unblock her! Agree that if she carries on then you might have to go legal. You don’t have the skills/time to fix this and make it all ok.

Deciding that you don’t want her in your life any more is a choice you are allowed to make and she has to accept that.

I would contact her husband to tell him that if she doesn't stop you will contact the police. Your friendship is over she needs to respect that.

The reason you do it to him and not her is you keep her blocked, she doesn't get to argue back, he realises you are deadly serious and shouldn't come to your house again.

If at any stage she does contact you then I would log it with the police and look into a restraining order now in case you need to have one in the future.

Maybe write a letter back. Be concise and clear, "The friendship has run its course, I do not want to see you again, there is nothing you can do to resolve this. Please do not contact me" and if her husband is a little more lucid, shoot him a text saying to expect the letter and reiterate key points.

Maybe one last message would help, maybe to her husband. Something that's short, unambiguous, unemotional and clearly requires no response. I'm sure lots of posters can help with the wording but e.g.

I will not contact your family again and request that you and your wife do not contact me or my family.

You need one final clear communication: I do not want to continue this friendship. I wish you well but please do not contact me again and do not send your husband on your behalf.

Then block again on all channels and do not speak to her or her husband. Tell your DP the same. Hopefully it ends there but if not then you need to get a restraining order.

Watch the Stacy Dooley documentary on iplayer re stalking.

They discuss on it the blurring of lines between a relationship/friendship ending and it becoming stalking.

Send one last message saying something like - I have asked you to please cease contacting me either via phone or in person. If you contact me again I will be reporting you to the police as I have made it very clear I do not want to continue a friendship with you.

Then if she contacts you after this, contact the police and report her for stalking.

In the documentary they say its not the individual actions that are the problem, its the overall pattern of them. I think this is really clear if your case.

Send a text telling her & her husband to not contact you or turn up at your door again & state again that you will not be replying to any further messages. Put a read receipt on the text so that you know when she has read it.

Dear XXX

This is a goodbye text. We have been friends a long time and had some good times, but the last years have brought a lot of changes and I cannot be there for you in the way you want. It can be hard to accept that friendships change as life changes, but I'm afraid that this is the situation now. Sending [ your husband ] will not help.

Please do not contact me again. I'll have to put that more strongly: Do not contact me again. Pushing any further than you already have will not work and I will have to take legal steps.

I wish you well, but our lives are going in separate directions and that is the way it has to be.

Goodbye

You say she doesn't respect your boundaries but it looks like you haven't made them clear. There's no need to get all 'trapped' and 'piss off' about it. That's just drama. You need to tell her that you don't want to continue with the friendship.

Your boundaries are not vulnerable to whether somebody does or doesn't understand or respect them. Your boundaries are something that you enforce, so that if somebody keeps crossing them, you build them higher.

So tell her you don't want to be her friend, and if she keeps on, tell her you'll report her for harassment, and if she keeps on, report her for harassment. If she doesn't respond to a visit from the police, they'll be able to tell you what to do next.

I know many are being quite harsh about the situation but I honestly couldn’t be that harsh.

She doesn’t seem to understand that she’s done nothing wrong, that you’ve not fallen out with her, that you’re just busy with stuff and you have no time to be what you were before. She thinks her gifts and thoughtfulness will sort the problem that she has somehow caused.

I’d suggest she needs more counselling. Perhaps you could tell the counsellor the position and see if she can get the message across?

Meanwhile if she keeps hassling you I’d wean her off me like a pp suggested. Perhaps only reply to her after a couple of days and explain you have no time and are busy etc and just don’t be available very much. It’s hard but that strategy will work.

I’d suggest she needs more counselling. Perhaps you could tell the counsellor the position and see if she can get the message across

Seriously? You don't think that crosses any boundaries?

Well couples counselling invites two parties in at separate times to help get messages across. So why can’t she be invited in like that if it helps the women get though s stage she’s struggling with?

@SouthOfFrance has very good advice to follow. This needs stopped now. Ring doorbell might be an idea.

@Elieza

Well couples counselling invites two parties in at separate times to help get messages across. So why can’t she be invited in like that if it helps the women get though s stage she’s struggling with?

Any qualified counsellor would make it very clear to any outsider that their relationship was with their client and their client only, and confidential. Counsellors aren't there to pass messages between friends.

All the best op

@Elieza

I know many are being quite harsh about the situation but I honestly couldn’t be that harsh.

She doesn’t seem to understand that she’s done nothing wrong, that you’ve not fallen out with her, that you’re just busy with stuff and you have no time to be what you were before. She thinks her gifts and thoughtfulness will sort the problem that she has somehow caused.

I’d suggest she needs more counselling. Perhaps you could tell the counsellor the position and see if she can get the message across?

Meanwhile if she keeps hassling you I’d wean her off me like a pp suggested. Perhaps only reply to her after a couple of days and explain you have no time and are busy etc and just don’t be available very much. It’s hard but that strategy will work.

This is bad advice.

@Ijsbear

Dear XXX

This is a goodbye text. We have been friends a long time and had some good times, but the last years have brought a lot of changes and I cannot be there for you in the way you want. It can be hard to accept that friendships change as life changes, but I'm afraid that this is the situation now. Sending [ your husband ] will not help.

Please do not contact me again. I'll have to put that more strongly: Do not contact me again. Pushing any further than you already have will not work and I will have to take legal steps.

I wish you well, but our lives are going in separate directions and that is the way it has to be.

Goodbye

I think this is perfect. Totally!

Ok, wow. I’m dealing with this too… like almost exactly it’s quite scary actually… I’ve now changed my phone number and put up an “indivisible shield” if you will when I see that person or when they come into my mind (psychic). don’t engage, ignore. If you ignore the existence it will get better. Will you feel bad? Absolutely, it’s in your nature. you are human also, your experience on this earth deserves to be pleasant also. There’s a reason why people aren’t friends with that person for very long, they are an energy vampire, narcissistic, and have several mental health diagnoses that are contributing. Send energetic love, but enforce your boundaries. Your important!!!! You now have a family to take care of, let the past be the past, your future is your future. With love,

You and your partner need to be completely United on this, so don’t let him talk you out of it if you’ve decided on this course of action. How about you write a note as described above, date it and print it, and keep it in your house. If she or her husband show up unexpectedly, at any time in the future, hand it over and say, I wrote this down to be crystal clear, and I am giving it you now as you have not respected my wishes. If she contacts you, don’t reply but put above letter in the post.

ZOMBIEEEEEEE thread