Emotional manipulation

[RightsHoardingRaptor]

Good I'm so tired of this crap. I don't want any LTB as it's just not that easy and I'm not financially independent so have to find a way to manage this, but I am exhausted. It's just little things, all little things.

No name calling.
No violence.
No outright nastiness or shouting.
Just chip chip chip.

Today... puts washing up water in and then takes the dog out. I don't understand why he does this. I will wash up but not when he decides I am going to. I had stuff to do. I mention it later and he says I am digging and picking at him and why mention the cold water in the sink and not just empty it and do the washing up. This sounds so stupid written down. I just asked him why he keeps filling the sink and leaving it or going out. I don't get it.

He said I'm aggressive, he can't get a word in (I didn't finish a sentence when we talked), I pick and dig and nag. I'm unkind and it's my way or no way. He refuses to talk to me because of these reasons. He says he gives up talking to me.

He comments and criticises every day. I feel nervous waiting for the next comment.

It's all such tiny digs. All the time. Every day. How how how do I cope?

Why do you want to stay? Why don’t you put your energy into finding a way to independence? Do you want to leave your future happiness is his hands?

You can only cope with this by figuring out a plan to leave him.

He’s said he won’t change and that you’re the problem. He’s aggressively made you out to be a nag, an inconvenience, not worth talking to or listening to, impossible to reason with.

But you’re not, are you?

So you have to change things for yourself.

What support do you need to do that? MN hive mind is good for this.

I had one of them. He's training you to be a low life. Before you know it his list of instructions will be strangling you. Please, please make plans to leave him.

He's wearing you down, bit by bit. You're the bad one, he's the saint which props up his fragile self esteem. Lots of narcissistic types do this. He knows the washing up thing upsets you but he still does it because he really doesn't care about your feelings and likes winding you up. This is not reasonable or kind behaviour.

What to do? Start working on gaining your independence. What do you need to do to get back to work, get better employment?

In the meantime don't react to his torments. Stand back emotionally and observe what he's doing. Really look at what he's doing. There is a pattern and dynamic going on here and he's manipulating you to react. What happens if he doesn't get the rise he wants? Take back your agency in this. Control what you do rather than waste energy trying to get him to improve.

Excellent last post. Get out op. Be strong.

Are you married to this man?.

Staying is not that easy either for you as you are seeing all too clearly. All this abusive man will further do is further drag you down with him into his pit and he is not above projecting his own self (he's aggressive, he won't let you get a word in, he picks) onto you either. Such abusive men never apologise nor accepts any responsibility for their actions.

You do realise the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none?. You are also not some rehab centre for some badly raised man.

What you're describing here is an abusive relationship and the relationship is really over because of his abuse he metes out to you. Trying to get someone else to change their behaviours is an exercise in futility; this cannot be at all managed.

How can you be further helped into leaving this man?. What is actively preventing you from doing so apart from finances?. No obstacle is ultimately insurmountable.

You're asking for advice but also stating that you don't want the only sensible advice there is to give. It's like saying 'My sofa is on fire and I'm sitting on it. I don't want any 'get off the sofa' advice. How do I cope?'

To cope, you're going to need to face the fact that he is who he is, and you are who you are. Unless you want to change who you are (so that you're somebody who doesn't mind his annoying behaviour), the only option is not to be around him. You can't change him, and you shouldn't be trying to change yourself.

OP, name calling, violence, nastiness and shouting are NOT little things. They will destroy you and damage your mental health and your physical health. What is the main reason you can't leave - financial?

sorry you've already said this. Can you look for a job of any kind?

oh god I'm so sorry OP I am totally exhausted today from lack of sleep I have totally misread your post. .

Do keep coming back OP - I know your position seems impossible but there are people here with so much experience and knowledge there will be a way even if it isn't easy.