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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friend disclosing historic sexual abuse

19 replies

BlubFestival · 23/01/2022 22:04

A friend of mine has told me her father sexually abused and raped her as a child (up to age 13).

This was over 30 years ago. She lost contact with him about 10 years ago but thinks he has grandhildren now.

She has only recently come to terms and vocalised what happened to her. She doesn't think she wants to report to be police.

I wondered if it's possible for me to report anonymously.?

I don't think she should have to go through anything she doesn't want to. I feel physically ill at the thought of what happened to her and that he lives his life with no consequences. He is well respected and well thought of.

I have tried to switch off from it and focus on it being her story and not mine but 6 months after she told me, I still think about it and can't stand the thought of him.

Is reporting him too invasive to her? She has seen a therapist about it. Would the therapist have to report it?

OP posts:

MaChienEstUnDick · 23/01/2022 22:14

I understand you're shocked and upset but reporting this would be a massive breach of trust. You have to let her make her own decisions about this - your job is to support, not to take over.

scaredsadandstuck · 23/01/2022 22:20

I understand how hard this is. A close friend of mine disclosed her CSA to me 20 odd years ago now, (times were different and we were only early 20s) but I do sometimes think about how her abuser has his own kids and what the risks might be for them. But I don't think I could ever report him. I am not sure if that's good or bad, but I know what the implications would be for her and her family and I don't think that my decision to make.

Levithecat · 23/01/2022 22:35

I went through this a while ago with a close friend. It took about a year from her disclosing to me to deciding to report him. I absolutely let her take her time. I have experience of domestic violence and know how long it took me to understand I was experiencing abuse let alone actually get to the point of leaving. Childhood sexual abuse is more complex, especially when its a parent. I imagine the therapist doesn’t have to disclose unless they believe he’s explicitly a current risk.
The police who dealt with my friend were fantastic. They went at her pace and never pressured her to proceed with anything. She had a fairly strong case, there were photos for example.
In the end her father died before she made a decision. I’d like to think she would have proceeded but who knows. I think part of the battle for her was seeing him as a risk to others when she had believed she was special to him. So sad.
No matter how you feel, you shouldn’t report behind her back. Your evidence is her - so she would have to speak to police potentially way before she’s ready to, which could be very damaging.

DerAlteMann · 23/01/2022 22:43

"I wondered if it's possible for me to report anonymously.?"

That would be an earth shattering breach of trust and could cause Lord knows what damage. Don't do it.

PurpleMauve · 23/01/2022 22:49

No, you should not report the abuse on her behalf.
She has trusted you with this information. She will report it if and when she is ready.
If you report it and she shuts down it won’t go anywhere anyway, it’s likely you’ll lose her as a friend and she may never trust anyone else to bring it up again.
Just listen, signpost her to organisations that can help her work through the trauma and be there for her.

Original poster

BlubFestival · 23/01/2022 22:50

Thank you so much all of you for this advice and wake up call. I'll remember this: your job is to support, not to take over.

OP posts:

ElectraBlue · 23/01/2022 22:55

She told you this in confidence and you want to breach her trust and report it?

It is her decision.

Or do you mean you are worried this man is abusing other kids? In which case report your concerns anonymously to social services but don't mention your friend's story...

RepentMotherfucker · 23/01/2022 23:05

If you are aware that he has access to kids then you absolutely have to tell someone. Absolutely. We are talking about a person who rapes small children. You must tell the police or social services. You can ask to remain anonymous and ask that they don't contact your friend but that's all you can do.

Imagine if you were that child and you knew someone could make this stop and they hadn't?

Imagine you hear in five years time that he has been arrested and that five years has been spent raping young children. Will you be able to live with that? I wouldn't.

This isn't your dilemma. Hand it over to professionals.

Original poster

BlubFestival · 23/01/2022 23:09

Or do you mean you are worried this man is abusing other kids? In which case report your concerns anonymously to social services but don't mention your friend's story..

This crossed my mind. That he may have continued. I wondered if I could report him as a peodophile without giving any more details. Could police act on that?

OP posts:

RepentMotherfucker · 23/01/2022 23:14

@BlubFestival

Or do you mean you are worried this man is abusing other kids? In which case report your concerns anonymously to social services but don't mention your friend's story..

This crossed my mind. That he may have continued. I wondered if I could report him as a peodophile without giving any more details. Could police act on that?

Unlikely. I think you would have to tell them what you have told us and ask their advice? Social services might be better able to deal with this kind of thing?

Locomelon · 23/01/2022 23:15

The people saying don't report are blowing my mind!!!! You don't have to mention your friends name but if you believe this person to be a risk to children, you absolutely have a duty to report this to the police!
I hope your friend is ok, but please, please let the authorities know about this man. He has grandchildren!! And he abused his own child!!

Locomelon · 23/01/2022 23:16

At the very least encourage her to come forward to save any other potential victims

WorriedGiraffe · 23/01/2022 23:19

I wouldn’t report, it likely wouldn’t lead to anything for him, and you could remove her choice to report it by betraying her trust like that. It’s your opportunity to support his victim, not betray her.

If you reported but didn’t give any details or names then what exactly would the police be able to do?

LifesABotch · 23/01/2022 23:21

@Locomelon

The people saying don't report are blowing my mind!!!! You don't have to mention your friends name but if you believe this person to be a risk to children, you absolutely have a duty to report this to the police! I hope your friend is ok, but please, please let the authorities know about this man. He has grandchildren!! And he abused his own child!!

Agree with this, some things are bigger than being a good friend. Awful as the decision is, and I don't envy you OP.

PurpleMauve · 24/01/2022 00:45

You could report it Social Services without implicating your friend, but the authorities would need statements in order to take it further.

If you report it anonymously, it won’t go anywhere, esp. as this is a case of historical abuse with no likely proof or other witnesses.

I work in this area. Yes, very frustrating.
Encourage your friend to talk to a GP, a therapist/counsellor or an abuse charity. She will have access to trained and experienced professionals who will possibly be able to help her understand why she should report it, not just for her sake but also for the sake of others.

Original poster

BlubFestival · 24/01/2022 19:17

Thanks everyone. She is seeing a counsellor.

@PurpleMauve - thank you for the reality check I imagined if I called social services with his name and said that he had abused children they might be able to record it or check against files. I have no idea how these things work.

OP posts:

Levithecat · 24/01/2022 20:26

The counsellor will have a safeguarding obligation and should report if they are worried about any ongoing risk. Have you asked your friend if her counsellor considered reporting? That could be a way to start a conversation.

MaChienEstUnDick · 25/01/2022 10:56

You can't report it to social services because there's nothing to report. You don't know the person, you don't know where he lives, you don't know if he has access to children. SS are horrendously overworked and just don't have access to those sorts of systems: they don't go 'ah, OK John Smith' and run that name through a database. Police is the only reporting mechanism that you have. I still think that would be an enormous breach of trust.

While it would be amazing if we had a system where every woman reporting abuse was trusted, supported and believed, we don't. We can't place the blame for abuse at non-reporting women's feet, it's always the abuser's fault. Always.

PurpleMauve · 25/01/2022 15:18

@BlubFestival

You’re very welcome.

I’m glad to hear she’s seeing a Counsellor.

The system is a mess and the workload is impossible. Cases missed unless you give up family time and sleep in order to keep up. Constant cuts and pay freezes, so I’m leaving.

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