Cutting contact with my dad - sorry it's so long.

[LonelyInAutumn]

So, since I was about 7/8 my dad has been in and out of my life. Around this age he moved away and had another child- my half sister. When she turned one, he moved back to our city. Since he has not been in my sisters life, her family changed her surname to their family name (understandable) and now he's holding a grude against a 13 year old girl over it 🙄.

As I said, he's been in and out of my life since that age and the relationship only seems to work if I inititate contact (even as a child I always had to call first or I wouldn't hear from him). He's said things like "you never call me and this is why it's hard to have a relationship with you", putting the blame on me. If I stop making contact, I don't hear from him for months. I feel like I'm in limbo. I'd rather him try and make a meaningful connection with me or just leave me alone for good.

Fast forward to 2020 (around april), I'd experienced something really traumatic and stupidly decided to get in touch with my dad to inform him of what happened. Instead of being supportive, he made it all about himself, told his sister and explained how sad it made him. It was something I told him in confidence so didn't think I'd have to give the "but don't tell anyone" talk. From that moment, I lost any ounce of trust I had in him.

Fast forward to november 2021, heard nothing from my dad the entire year. He calls me on my birthday and instead of just wishing me a happy birthday he starts trying to have this deep conversation about our "relationship" and asks me to be honest about my feelings. I told him I didn't trust him because of him blabbing my personal business to family that I don't even know and his response was "well, you shouldn't have told me then." This made me feel terrible, like he was putting the blame on me yet again but I couldn't help but agree because I shouldn't have told him, really. After this conversation, I cut the phone off abruptly and then he starts sending me essay long texts about how If I don't forgive him then karma will get me and making comments on my weight and physical appearance and said "what? Are you going to change your name too?". I blocked his number.

Fast forward to December 2021, he sends me an xmas card and makes sure to write my surname
In there too. He's also tried contacting me via instagram.

I feel really guilty for cutting contact. What if something bad happens to him? Do I reinstate contact or do I keep it no contact to protect my peace?

Do not restart contact. He is patently not the person you perhaps still want him to be and it’s not your fault he is the ways he is. Block all his means of he being able to contact you.

Grieve instead for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

No contact.

He seems to want to have it all his own way and sorry, he doesn't deserve that right. You can't pick up and drop people at your own will and convenience and them blame all your life choices on them, and still expect them to want a relationship.

You will feel better in the long run.

You don’t owe him anything, so don’t feel guilty. He doesn’t deserve your sympathy.

He’s never been a father to you, so you don’t need to be a daughter to him.

My father disappeared when I was five years old. We reconnected when I was 17. I went to visit him expecting some kind of connection. He had no interest in that at all. The next contact was a telephone call about seven years later. He had been in contact with my mum. He immediately started giving me advice about whether or not I should be marrying my long term boyfriend. I was polite, but never spoke to him again.

He died when I was 30. I was surprised by how upset I was, but I was not grieving for him, but the father I should have had. The father he never was and never could have been.

Find your anger and say fuck him, he’s the loser because you’re fantastic and he’s the one that has lost out.

Thank you guys for your insight it means a lot. I won't be restarting contact.

He's a terribly selfish man isn't he? Thinks the world revolves around him, instead of caring about anyone else including the little girls, now women, he sired.

As for the comment about karma getting you - he ought to look in the mirror before passing comment on Karma to anyone else.

from a 19th C author, well respected at the time:

"it's the parents who demand most from their children who have done least to earn it"

All that is left, really, is to mourn the Daddy that this man never was.

I think part of you is still the little girl hoping for a father/daughter relationship. Thankfully the grown woman you are now has realised that it's all a pointless exercise. You've tried, repeatedly, and the lack of effort on his side while disappointing, won't change. I think you've made the right call. 💐

Never mind what if something bad happens to him: something bad happened to you and look how he has continued to treat you with disdain. You deserve better. Love yourself - he has left a big enough void for you to fill that one and you get to decide how you are loved. You sound lovely

You have to realise and accept that you do not have a dad. I have had to do this, your father sounds like mine. And also, like mine, it's a bit of a numbers game - how many people (family members) has he pissed off so severely that they don't see him. Your mum, your sister's mum, your sister, you...? The common denominator is him.

@Ijsbear I love that quote. Thank you for sharing it with me it really hits home!

@Justmuddlingalong you're right about me still having a glimmer of hope. It makes me feel stupid though. Everytime things seem To be going good I get my hopes up like I did when I was little. I think I've made the right call too. Thanks for your support xx

@SummerWhisper I know and I understand. I still feel a little guilty like maybe I should have tried harder. I always think about what if he passes away suddenly. However, I do agree with you. Thank you 💜

@gsaoej wow, the "common denominator" thing is so true. He thinks that it's always everyone else that's wronged him when infact it was the other way around. There's been so many things I overlooked that I now realise were pretty much a crime. When I was about 6/7 my dad cheated on my mom with a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD when he was about 26. Not someone I'd want around my future children