Was he being unkind telling me this?

[Reallynearlyforty]

I’ve been with DH for 25 years, 2DC (teens).
Our marriage is poor, far too much to go in to here (would take 25 years!) but in mid December I told him I wanted to separate… whole thing was disastrous & I ended up staying, we agreed we would talk, counselling etc. We talked a lot at first but it has fizzled out.
I have had serious mental health problems in the past, PND that I couldn’t move on from, and largely caused by the fact I was sexually abused by my father as a child. I was suicidal at times but with a lot of counselling and antidepressants I manage. Having dealt with it in my way I want more than anything to move forward & not let what he did affect my life any more. However my family (DH, DM & DSis) will not allow me to do this. If I don’t do things they way they would like, or there is a disagreement of any sort, they take any opportunity to tell me ‘I am the way I am’ because of the abuse. Apparently behave like a classic victim of sexual abuse (gosh, maybe because I am?). But the bottom line is that they all seem to be more concerned with how they are affected by me, and that I need to accept that am… difficult, different, cold… and most importantly I need to change.
I fell out with my sister over something and when she started telling me how hard it is for her, and she was sorry for what she’d said (to cause the falling out) but that it was my fault because of the way I am, and she has had so much counselling because I am not close to her - I just told her I didn’t want anything more to do with her. DM & DSis are excessively close and have always spent a lot of time discussing me & my issues by the way. So DM got involved & tried to tell me what I needed to do - I was furious, walked out, and realised that nobody has got my back. It was that day I told DH I wanted to separate.
I’m getting closer to my question now, I promise! DM knew I had asked DH to leave because he went to stay at her house for that one night. She asked DH to go round & collect Xmas presents in late December. While he was there she told him that she knows she hasn’t given me what I needed as a daughter (can’t remember the exact words). Nothing more said since then. About half an hour ago DH said ‘Don’t read anything in to this but I’m going to see your mum.’ I was stunned, said I couldn’t help but read into it, and he got angry with me, said he was only going for a chat.
So - is it good that he was honest with me, or would it have been kinder for him to just tell me he was going to see his own parents? He said it’s only because he rang her yesterday to see if he could borrow something - she was out but sorry that she would miss him, so he’s going tonight for a cup of tea. He says he’s just being honest but I feel very hurt that he’s told me, I would prefer not to have known. I can’t help feeling that this is further evidence of being ‘ganged up’ on. However paranoia was one of my depression symptoms previously so I could be wrong. I would really appreciate your thoughts.
PS I’m a lot older than my user name implies - and certainly too old for my mum to be trying to tell me what to do!

Maybe it is all perfectly innocent but he told you because, if you found out after, you definitely would read something into it?

Yes, you’re right - I would!
I think perhaps what bothers me is that he told me very bluntly, no real understanding of how it would make me feel (apart from telling me not to read into it). Thank you.

Maybe I'm a bit dim, but I can't see what the problem is. Do you feel betrayed because he went to see your mum? And why would he make up a lie by saying he went to see his own parents? You do sound a bit difficult OP.

The problem is that I didn’t expect it.
I feel let down by him I suppose, as if it’s confirmed ‘them against me’.
Yes, I probably can be difficult and I’m deeply unhappy at the moment (although not depressed), that’s why I’m asking for some clear points of view. Thank you.

I'm in a similar situation and so is my sis ( I have 3 sisters.)Honestly you don't owe any of them anything. I applied for an occupation order under civil coercive control law to force the bad ex out and am gradually allowing the other relationships to die a natural death to avoid the backlash going no contact would cause. Its much better to be alone but free and independent.

I see where you're coming from. I was sexually abused as a child and then in a relationship, bullied at school to where I had to move schools and my mum is constantly telling everyone my business and with dsis being a carbon copy of her they continue to try and tell me what to do and how to live. Lying to family telling me its my fault telling everyone what I was going through as a child saying how hard it was for her and I've been difficult because of what I went through. Even left a voicemail on my now dh phone when we were first together telling him to leave me I'm a b**ch all because she got annoyed with me for not knowing what was going on in a program we were watching in TV.. She likes to call family and paint a picture of me and hates me for trying to better my life and has tried to do the same with my dh and even his friends.. Paint a picture of me so I can definitely see your distaste in the situation i would feel the same because I know what my mums like. She likes to get involved and if me and dh have had any sort of disagreement I learnt long ago never to tell her anything as she involves herself and tries to make everything worse and cause drama.. For example I was stressed before my wedding as had moved and had surgery and dh wasn't helping so I was purely venting nothing serious and she went on a big rant saying how we should call the wedding off how I shouldn't be married and he obviously doesn't love me and we won't last blah blah blah so I definitely see where you're coming from it's so tiring knowing she doesn't and never has had my back so I would feel uneasy as you do.. It's hard to see what the deal is if you don't have a mum like we do but I completely get it so you aren't alone.

He should be supportive in your decision to leave behind people who bring you down. You are not asking him to choose between you or his own family, you are saying that your family members are not good for you and he should support facilitating the distance you need. I would feel hurt and like he is making the link between you and your mum when you don’t want one. He has more work to do, he hasn’t been listening properly if he doesn’t understand that you would feel betrayed.

Yep.
The problem here is that your DH is choosing your mum instead of you.
Why did he go to her house last December and why is he going there again ‘for a cup of tea’?

Seeing the difficult time you have with her and the fact he is supposed to work with you to save the marriage, it looks off.
And he knows it because otherwise he wouldn’t have told you ‘not to read anything into it’.

I gather things are not going that well and you still want to separate?

Btw, I’d say it’s pretty normal to be difficult and unhappy in the middle of a divorce….
I hope he is not expecting you to be all jolly and happy because he agreed to talk?

Interesting to see different points of view - and those of abuse survivors. Hello & Professor, thank you for sharing your stories, I’m so sorry you experienced it too.
I probably haven’t processed the fall out with my mum enough. I certainly haven’t tried to stop my children seeing her, and to be honest I hadn’t really thought about DH and her.
Hello - that’s so interesting about your mum & your wedding. My mum told me several times early in my relationship with DH that she didn’t think he was right for me. That was before they knew about the abuse. More recently she & DSis have both told him they can’t understand why he stays with me when I’m so difficult. You’re right about others maybe not understanding if their mothers / family aren’t like this.

Sorry, another thing coming to my mind.

It seems that your DH and your mum are very similar in the way they treat you. Do you think that when you married him, you were attracted to how safe, aka well known to you, he was? Because he was behaving in that same predictable way your mum has been behaving?

Manana - I don’t really know what he’s expecting from me. I asked him this morning if we could go for a walk and talk. He made a few excuses, it didn’t happen, but he managed to go & talk to DM.
He went to her in December to tell her all about what happened when I said I wanted to leave. And the. Chose to spend the night at hers when I asked him to leave. He knew he’d get sympathy I suppose. I and guess he went back today because he was invited. He’s back, acting as if everything is normal. Hasn’t told me what was aid, and I haven’t asked.

Oh blimey Manana, I’d never thought of anything like that.
I don’t think that is the case. My mum was different with me back then, never terribly supportive, could be critical, but not unkind. And DH was different too. But they didn’t know about the abuse in those first couple of years. I think they (& DSis) have all gravitated towards each other as I have started to stand up for myself.

Do so still want to separate?… I’m absolutely terrified at the thought of it, and I’ve rather lost my nerve, but I know that I don’t want to live like this. DH did convince me there was a chance to have another go, but I’m beginning to realise it’s all got to come from me. I think he thought some counselling over the years would make me ok. In fact he wants me to go for more therapy for the abuse rather than couples counselling because that is what has caused all our problems. He’s a very intelligent man but he does seem to have a simplistic view of this.

I would walk away leaving both your husband and your family of origin behind. None of them have your best interests at heart and I would concur with manana that your mother and your husband are very similar to each other i.e. abusive towards you. They want to continue to believe their own narrative/version of events ie you were at fault when the opposite is infact true.

I would also keep your children well away from your parents also. She is really her husband’s enabler and secondary abuser here and your family have made you the scapegoat for all their familial ills. Your father is beneath contempt and she has chosen to stay with him for her own reasons. She chose him over you.

Attila - sorry, I should have made it clear. My parents divorced when I was 10. My father had always been a drinker, drank very heavily after divorce & that was when the abuse happened. He died about 15 years ago.
But you’re right, it doesn’t feel as if anyone has my best interests at heart, only their own and the impact I have on them.