Me and my partner had quite a tough Christmas then we both got Covid, so it's been miserable. But recently my partner has got very low. Last week, when they had a StandByYourMan segment on Loose Women showing the reality star who's dad had committed suicide, my partner started sobbing and told me he's been feeling depressed. He says it's not like he's in pain and just wants it to stop but just feels like there's no point to living at the moment, apart from me. He is cut off from every single member of his family and his children rarely contact him at all. He asks it "it's him" - if it's something he's done.
I don't know his family at all, but I have noticed with my partner that he has this habit of making people feel guilty for not thinking about his feelings, Like, whatever you give him is never enough - he's always pointing out things you didn't do or think about. This can be really exhausting and it also puts people off if they're made to feel guilty - so I think this has a lot to do with his children not being in contact much - but also has just added to his sense of isolation which has made him feel so low.
He also keeps saying how unhappy he is and how he would prefer to live alone right now (my kids are typically messy teenagers and it seems to rile him up a lot - he always seems to be finding things they've done wrong. He doesn't say anything to them but tells me instead - which is probably better than him moaning at them directly).
I honestly do listen to him and just let him talk but then get told I don't understand or don't get it which I am sure must be a lonely place for him. I've suggested that he get help with therapy but he refuses. He is very moody now, which is understandable, but he's started to cause arguments - he started moaning to me about my daughter leaving a light on all night and leaving the bathroom sink messy - I just told him - look, it seems you'd be happier living alone, and that it would be healthier that way so logically why don't we just make that happen. I do my bit to make my kids clean their rooms etc and they are good kids, just annoying sometimes. But he just keeps moaning and moaning. I know it's coming because he goes quiet and withdrawn for hours and then he starts.
I'm just tired of living with this all the time. I am generally a happy person and feel we all have a lot to be grateful for. Just having another day on earth is something to be grateful for and I can find a lot of joy in really simple things. Life is so short - it's not worth getting your knickers in a twist over a messy sink. I appreciate though that some people have different tolerance levels for this and of course, they are my kids, not his - so it's different.
I just don't understand why he wants to look for problems all the time. I think this is really contributing to his low mood.
I feel so callous because obviously he says he's depressed, but me suggesting he does what he says he wants to do and live by himself is me trying to find ways he can be happy but not sure what else to suggest. Then I worry that might actually harm himself.
How do I help him and still protect my own mental health and my children? Am I being heartless?