Resentful and I Know I'm Being Unreasonable

[Mermaidwaves]

I will start off by saying I know I'm being very unreasonable this is just a lonely rant. I was married a long time, we split a few years ago. During that time he never spent time with me or our DC as he was very emotionally distant.

Two years on he's with the OW, a new family and takes our DC on family days out with them. Meanwhile I'm lonely, and sat on my own as my friends have plans with their own families on weekends.

I know it's good he spends time with them but why couldn't he do that when we were together? We never had family days out and it eats me up inside.

It's dark, its January and I'm unhappily single. Can anyone relate?

This is your chance to move on and build your life back up. No point living in the past - try and focus on your future and finding a new relationship. Join a gym, groups etc - try and make a new social life for yourself xxx

I’m sorry OP, it’s really difficult when you see the person who treated you so badly, act differently with someone new.

My guess is that he’s still in the period where he’s pretending to be a good guy with her. And that the contempt and disregard hasn’t set in yet.
Or perhaps they are better suited, perhaps he wasn’t happy being married?

I know that sounds awful but it could be true. He wasn’t a great husband to you but it doesn’t mean he won’t be a better partner to someone else in the future. (It’s highly unlikely he has changed - probably more like he’s on “best behaviour” for the short term)

All you can do is focus on your future. What you want, what would make you happy.
If you keep looking back asking “why” then you are letting him continue to waste your time even though you’re no longer together.
The more you let this dictate your happiness then the more he has taken from you.

Draw a line, let him get on with his life and pay no interest. If he takes the kids then great! But don’t ask for details, just smile and nod when the kids talk about then subtly change the subject.
Do things which make you happy and look for hobbies to take up the time when the kids are away - exercise is a good one, or reading, cooking, something you can immerse yourself in.

You need to stop living in the past, it’s hard but you have to. Whenever these feelings or thoughts come across you have to say “nope, not today” and crack on with your own life.

The sooner you draw that line, the sooner you’ll be happy OP

@SunflowerTed
I have tried to do this, I've joined lots of things, I've tried to meet new people but I still feel lost, still feel sad that he has a new life without me. I feel sad that the OW and our DC see the best side of him without me.

Maybe I've got a bit of the January blues today.

Join some groups on meetup. Start building up your own life. Book into a spa your next free weekend

@Ohpulltheotherone
Yes I am definitely living in the past, I'm finding it hard to actually move on even though I give myself motivational talks.

I think he probably is happier in general with the OW, shes younger and more attractive than me which he values beauty and youth a lot. I'm trying to accept it but it's so hard! I wanted family time with him but he didn't want that with me.

I am sorry ypu are feeling low OP. January is rubbish. You are not unreasonable to feel crappy about this. But he doesn't sound like he made you happy. I think you need to find a way to draw a line under your relationship, and hearing about him playing of happy families (which must be easy for him to look good at, in small doses) isn't helpful for you.

You're not unreasonable to feel this way for a start. Many people do.

You need to build your self esteem and find your self worth. Put yourself out of your comfort zone on the days he has with the dc. It will take your mind off things and you will feel good afterwards for doing something you don't usually do.

Mine has been joining a gym. Might be nothing to some people but it's something I would never of done before and I enjoy it

My exh does the same thing. He's wonder dad now - days out, holidays, trips, playing all sorts with the kids and lots of fun stuff.

When we were married he took our son out once in about two years, to the cinema.

Bizarre isn't it. I suppose he's forced to do these things now as he has the kids by himself or with his new partner.

They have a far better relationship with their dad now which is great.

You're not being remotely unreasonable

Of course it's hurtful and galling that he's playing happy families with OW and your DC, after not bothering his arse for years when he was married to you. Some points to consider though:

1. He's a shallow, selfish dick who values appearances over integrity, so you're better off without him

2. OW won't always be young and attractive either

3. Kids aren't as daft as he thinks they are, they'll take the days out and the showy gestures but they won't respect him any more for it

@bettertocryinamercedes
Yes wonder dad is a good way of putting it! And I'm glad hes still in my DCs life but it feels too much too late if that makes sense.

@sadpapercourtesan
My DC say their dad is a different man now. My sensible head says great! Hes finally being a proper dad, my heart hurts though because I didn't see it.

@Mermaidwaves this must be super hurtful and isolating. Just remember it’s nothing to do with you or your relative attractiveness. Some guys seem to make all their mistakes with the first woman and then realise they were a dick, or find themselves in a better place psychologically, and manage to make a better go of it. My brother has done this with his new baby boy after being totally screwed up for his first child. It makes me angry the way he was before but he was very very unwell psychologically. I know your bloke isn’t the same but it might be a milder version. Now you just need to also become that new improved version of yourself abs move on from the past to a more exciting future.

[quote Mermaidwaves]@Ohpulltheotherone
Yes I am definitely living in the past, I'm finding it hard to actually move on even though I give myself motivational talks.

I think he probably is happier in general with the OW, shes younger and more attractive than me which he values beauty and youth a lot. I'm trying to accept it but it's so hard! I wanted family time with him but he didn't want that with me.[/quote]
Accept that him and you weren’t right together. Trust me - don’t hang onto this resentment as he wasn’t worthy of you. I know it’s hard but if you let yourself you’ll meet somebody who does value you and wants family time. Try and accept that he wasn’t your Mr Right. He is still out there - now is the right time you go and find him. Once you do you realize that your ex is not important anymore x

@StartingAgain33

It's funny you say that because he told me himself he feels he made his mistakes with me! 😭 he doesn't seem to realise how hurtful that is and almost expects me to say well done!

@Mermaidwaves it’s really hard to not be furious as it’s just not fair. But it definitely isn’t personal. And maybe you can meet someone who’s made all his mistakes on someone else too… !

My STBXH is a bit like this. A completely inert drudge of a man who was always whining, and never wanted to go on days out or do anything with the kids.

We split during the first lockdown (I instigated it), and although we were forced to carry on living together, we led separate lives other than tending to the kids.

When restrictions lifted, me and my best friend took them for days out, to the fair/Christmas market, weekends at the beach etc. H never wanted to come along, he preferred to complain about it.

I'm now in a loving relationship with best friend, we live together and have the kids every other week. STBXH is now being forced to step up - he gets two weeks to himself every month, so now he can't complain about being drained by family life.

We never got the best side of him when we were a family. All of his exes left him for similar reasons (his infidelity, lack of enthusiasm, tightness, obsession with gaming etc), so he too will be on his best behaviour with a new partner.

Honestly OP, his life isn't as rosy as he likes to make out. The novelty of the OW will wear off, and he'll revert to type. Grab the chance to spruce up your own life with both hands!

I did try OLD when we first split but came across so many awful men that I quickly gave up. I've sort of resigned myself to being single but some days I feel like I cant breathe because my grief is still so strong.

@BeautyGoesToBenidorm
That's great that you found happiness good on you

[quote Mermaidwaves]@BeautyGoesToBenidorm
That's great that you found happiness good on you [/quote]
Thank you 😊 Trust me, better times are ahead for you! I totally understand your resentment, it's always painful seeing an ex behave the way you always wanted them to, but with a different woman.

I don't believe mine will ever change long-term, and that helped me overcome the resentment a lot. As long as he's better with the kids, I don't give his personal life headspace now!

Well.... two years is still quite early. His probably on his what behaviours. Update us when it has been 5 years and then see.

But! Some people do learn from their past relationships and maybe his realised this now?

Who knows? But don't worry about him. Worry about yourself. Relish in your free time whilst your still have it! (till a potential new man/woman comes along and then that person takes your time as well). Go to the gym, If that's what you want to do, go and see a film, get a hobby, meet new people through meet ups. You can do this.

Stop immediately with the “she’s younger and more attractive” head fuck. Even IF that’s true, her being younger and more attractive WILL NOT suddenly make him morph into a better man. It just won’t. He might be on his best behaviour (for the sex) now, but his true colours will come through. They ALWAYS do. And, regardless of how gorgeous she is, is she a GOOD person? Does she have honesty, loyalty, integrity? Because, looks fade and who you actually are is all that you’re left with.
Personally, I can go to bed every night knowing I haven’t shit on anyone, that I’ve done right by people….and I will continue to do so. And that is worth every year of my experience and every line on my face! You do you op, you are the most important thing in YOUR life. He was just a chapter…..

Sensible advice from you all, thankyou! I needed a bit of wisdom tonight and to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Tommorow is another day

@Buildingthefuture I've actually screen shot your post as it was such a powerful message..I couldn't have put it better myself..

OP you need to keep reading @Buildingthefuture post, use it as a mantra. It is incredibly hard to see what you are seeing/hearing, or rather perceiving. You've no idea what goes on behind the nets. But you must try and build a life for yourself, you don't have to prove anything to anyone, just small steps. Every time you think about him 'bat that thought away' as hard as you possibly can, and keep doing it..'this too shall pass' promise..

@lothermand
It's easier if you can block someone from your life totally I think, I'm used to ruminating and it's become a habit. I will try and block him from my thoughts a lot more.

OP I still ruminate after 15 years over (what I perceive) that love of my life..it's a tough one