How messed up is this?

[Cocha]

I am in a loving relationship with my DH of twenty years. We have decent sex but... when I'm having sex with him I usually think about women, pretend it's a woman touching me etc. When I'm on my own I watch lesbian porn, most days. I only really started watching that because I don't like the aggression and violence in MF porn.
Also watching porn is a secret, my DH never watches it and doesn't like it. The sad thing is that I think it's wrong and sad to watch it and I hate that I watch it, I'd like to stop.
Any advice?

Anyone?

I think it’s a question of whether you are still in love with and attracted to your H and fantasising about women - which makes you bi or at least bi-curious…
Or if you have realised you are lesbian and only staying in the marriage because of inertia.

If former - than you can try a few things. You H may be ok with you exploring that side of you. Or you can embark on it as a couple.

If latter - then eventually you will end up falling for a woman and leaving.

Generally - I think women fantasising about sex with women isn’t uncommon. Especially after a long marriage and being with the same person for a while.

That's very helpful thank you. Especially saying that you think it might be common as I feel a lot of guilt about this.

I don't think trying things out is an option he'd be open to.

I'm sure I'm bi and I did kiss a couple of women in my younger years. I have also fallen for a couple of women in recent years but I've managed not to do anything about it as I care about my DH very much.

I guess I just continue as I am with the feeling a of guilt because nothing can really be done

In a way it’s not really different to feeling attraction to another man. It’s a physical curiosity about another person, not your partner. As long as it’s not acted upon - there isn’t anything to feel guilty about.

If I were you - I’d mention it in some way to your H. ‘Strangest dream I had last night…’, etc. You may be surprised by his reaction. Men are strange creatures and he may find it arousing. And who knows. Some men don’t feel jealous/threatened by W’s attraction to women.

@Cocha

That's very helpful thank you. Especially saying that you think it might be common as I feel a lot of guilt about this.

I don't think trying things out is an option he'd be open to.

I'm sure I'm bi and I did kiss a couple of women in my younger years. I have also fallen for a couple of women in recent years but I've managed not to do anything about it as I care about my DH very much.

I guess I just continue as I am with the feeling a of guilt because nothing can really be done

Please dont feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong. Maybe as you've been together so long that your mind is trying to pep things up! Enjoy it!

@MMmomDD

In a way it’s not really different to feeling attraction to another man. It’s a physical curiosity about another person, not your partner. As long as it’s not acted upon - there isn’t anything to feel guilty about.

If I were you - I’d mention it in some way to your H. ‘Strangest dream I had last night…’, etc. You may be surprised by his reaction. Men are strange creatures and he may find it arousing. And who knows. Some men don’t feel jealous/threatened by W’s attraction to women.

He does know that I find women attractive but it's pretty bad to be thinking of someone else when you're shagging someone, no? But maybe others do that too

Thanks for your kind words, I feel a bit better about it now

Please dont feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong. Maybe as you've been together so long that your mind is trying to pep things up! Enjoy it!

Thanks, would you not feel bad? I do think you're right though, I am a bit bored I suppose, as much as I love him. I think the porn is the worst bit

I do the same op. I Don't consider myself to be gay, I've never slept with a woman and don't really have any interest in being with a woman.
I find men attractive, broad shoulders, Hairy chest, manly forearms, beards are my biggest turn on. I can look at pictures of my bloke on my phone and think mmm yeah, and get a flutter. But I seem to only climax thinking about women. It's been happening for a while now. But I'm not worried about it

Ethical porn made by women??

And the fantasy thing is perfectly fine op. Don’t feel bad. Would you want to share these fantasies with your partner??

…So that you could share them and spice things up…?

Why are you feeling guilty about porn?
Whether or not your H watches it, it’s irrelevant. He may or may not like or watch it.
Do you think he cares or minds you watching it?
Is there a reason you can’t ask him? If it’s important to you to have it in the open - why not talk about it?
As long as he knows you love him and he is happy with the relationship - this shouldn’t be something you can’t discuss.

But at the same time - just like you and H don’t discuss how he masturbates and what he thinks about while doing it - why is there a need to discuss yours? It’s ok to have privacy.

You are not in any way planning to explore your bi-curiosity. You add an element of fantasy when having sex. It’s not unusual. Plenty of people fantasise about celebrities, etc - monogamy can become monotonous without some added spiciness.

If this helps you to climax - why not.
Women often have hard time climaxing with their partners - and use extra help. For you - it’s mental, for others it can be toys.
As long as you and your H are happy with your sex life - there isn’t an issue.