Could not contemplate remarrying

[toksvig]

I see quite a few posts in which posters reference remarrying, now being with amazing 2nd DHs, etc., and I’m curious about how people got back into that headspace after divorce.

I’m 3+ years divorced and living a happy life co-parenting my DC, but I could not contemplate getting back into marriage, combining homes and finances (and possibly DC), with the attendant risks of going through divorce again. My divorce was the most painful, expensive, sad experience of my life, and I refuse to open myself to going through that again, though I of course see the appeal of a happy marriage/LTR.

This is all academic to me as I’m in a stable LAT relationship but even if my DP wanted to marry, or met someone else down the line who wanted that, I just cannot picture myself in that space again.

So, those who did it all again, what was the process for you? Did you always want to remarry? How can you reconcile yourself to the risk of divorce again?

I think everyone is different and just because you couldn’t imagine it doesn’t mean that others feel the same, maybe they want a second chance at happiness? I have been single for 5 years since
My ex but some people Move on within 5 months everyone is different.

@toksvig I can totally understand where you’re coming from-though in my case I also wonder how you get back into the headspace of trying another relationship after separation/divorce. The thing I struggle with is how do you trust again when the person you married and intended to spend the rest of your life with, and who promised that to you, turns out to be someone very different to who you thought you knew.
Guess if you’ve got far enough to have a LAT relationship you’ve done well in moving on and getting into a good head space

Interesting backatcha @Heelancoo. My ex did indeed turn out to be a stranger. A couple of thoughts:

1. I started dating in a very low-key, just-for-fun way, so it never felt scary. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend but I ended up finding one I liked, and just carried on seeing him. Three years on we're still dating.

1. Surviving divorce means that nothing could ever be that bad again. If I go through another breakup there won't be kids, birth families, property, finances etc to disentangle. Makes me a bit bolder, but also hugely reluctant to go all-in again.

8 years divorced, and I would never remarry. I am in a LTR, but neither of us wants to get married again. We spend most of our time together, but don't live together and don't share finances. It works that way for us. We like our own space, and there's no need for us to share bank accounts. My money is mine and my family's, and his is his and his family's. Our children are all 18+

I've been married three times, and every time I decided this wasn't a good idea. No more! Enough's enough! We live 70-80 years these days and that's too long to spend with one man.

And ChrisAnneTheMum I agree entirely. I am too. That's the best way to live.

@Dillydollydingdong

And ChrisAnneTheMum I agree entirely. I am too. That's the best way to live.

It's great. There's a point to being married if you're planning to have children (and particularly if you're going to give up your job/income at that point), but no point at all otherwise. It's much better to have your own space. Not least as it means you avoid so much of the really annoying behaviour that causes people to start so many threads on here. OH and I both behave reasonably well when we're together, and keep our less appealing and selfish behaviour for our own domains!

I'm five years separated and just finalised divorce last year. You couldn't pay me to marry again although I've happily dated some for a year or two. Never want to live with a man again but a regular boyfriend is usually fun and I enjoy it. Your situation sounds ideal in many ways OP.

My dp is possibly the untidiest man I've ever known, but as he's untidy in his home, I don't care. I just shake the dust off my feet and leave him to it!

I haven't been through a divorce, but I can really appreciate how you feel. I've been very happily married for 25 years, and if my husband were to die or leave me, I can't imagine ever remarrying. I read so much about the nightmares of dating in current times and that alone is enough to put me off.

When I was a little girl, there was a lovely woman who I considered to be my "extra" grandmother. Her husband had died suddenly at 54, when she was just 51. She never remarried or even dated and I used to think that was so sad. She told me once that when her husband died, she realised she would never find a man who could measure up, so she decided to remain single. I totally understand how she felt now.

😂 That's probably what my DP thinks when he goes home, as I'm the untidiest person I've ever met, and he's very orderly!

When I got divorced I really couldn't ever see myself getting married ever again . I met my now dh 2 years later , we took it v slow , he moved in after 6 years dating and we got married 8 years after that . I just wanted to be as sure as I could possibly be that this one was for keeps . I felt my kids deserved that after splitting up with their dad . I just couldn't imagine being with anyone else that's when I knew it was right and that I actually wanted to be his wife not just his girlfriend.

I never had any desire to get married when I was younger. But I did eventually get married & it lasted a terrible 14 years. I still don't know why I married him but can't regret it cos I have a gorgeous DD. After the divorce I said I would never marry again, & I probably won't. However, I am now with an amazing man - 2 yrs down the line we often say we should've met sooner & married but we agree, we don't need a marriage to be committed to each other.
He is actually the only person who has made me feel that I would want to marry him in a heartbeat but that said, I also don't feel that I need a marriage license to make me feel secure with him.
Personally, I look at marriage as quite 'old fashioned' & more of a legal contract - but that is purely my opinion. Staying together in a relationship out of love & choice rather than cos you are legally committed is far more appealing

I married twice. Widowed first time. Divorced second.

I suppose I like the idea of marriage and til death do us part with someone I love was appealing.

I would never marry again. I can't see how it would benefit me in any way. I can't even see how having a boyfriend would benefit me in any way.

Some women enjoy making a home for a man. I'm not one of them.