Living without sex

[Greengage3]

I’m just wondering if it’s possible to live happily in a relationship without sex. We’re both 57, I’ve been with DP for 7 years. In the beginning the sex was frequent and good. In the last couple of years he seems to have gone off sex. It’s always me that initiates it and sometimes he’s obviously not interested and other times I feel like he’s just going through the motions to keep me happy.
We haven’t had sex for 5 weeks now and this morning when I tried to get him interested it just wasn’t happening!
I’m fed up with trying and sometimes feeling rejected. I just think I won’t bother now but am I going to start to resent him/miss sex to the point it’s a real issue in our relationship?
All other aspects of our relationship/life are good. I wouldn’t want to end the relationship over this but I worry that if I stop initiating sex we’ll never make love again!
I feel too young to shut the door on this part of my life. It’s not necessarily the lack of sex that bothers me more the lack of intimacy and desire on his part.
My long marriage which broke up before I met DP was the opposite, my XH wanted sex far more than I ever did and was a pivotal reason for us breaking up. I always felt pressured into making love and that I needed to ‘give in’ every now and then to keep the peace! At that point I was menopausal and couldn’t have cared less if I’d never had sex again! This time it’s different! I actually really fancy my DP !! But I would really hate him to feel the way I felt in my marriage. I have tried broaching the subject but although he denies any problems or that he doesn’t not find me physically attractive nothing changes. I am beginning to think he’s maybe suffering from ED.
Is it possible this relationship can survive the lack of intimacy into old age? Do any of you live happily like this ?

Could he be feeling stressed about something?

spintail I did wonder about that but this has been going on for a couple of years now so it’s unlikely. I just honestly feel it’s not that important to him.

Is he on any medication? Could cause ED/Loss of libido

Interesting post. I couldn't live in a sexless relationship. Unfortunately I have a similar situation: I'm far more interested than my DH. I get frustrated about it, trying to talk about it and explain it's important to me. Usually me instigating. It's so tiring and sad. We still do it regularly as I can't imagine otherwise and he's very attentive once started, making sure I'm happy but I have a strong impression we wouldn't do anything for weeks if it wasn't for me. Do men start to lose interest at certain age? Would be interesting to hear their opinions on this here.

Could he be seeing other people?

If he’s saying there isn’t a problem when there is, he’s hoping you will stop asking and get over it.
If he won’t t address it you need to decide what you do about it.
My DH stopped at about this age, after years of struggling due to antidepressants but he wouldn’t seek help, so now we’re in separate bedrooms awaiting divorce.

spintail no he’s definitely not seeing anyone else. He’s very attentive in lots of ways just not interested in sex.

In my limited experience, men do not lose interest at a certain age, but what can happen is that when they've been in a long-term relationship they can start to feel their own mortality, and want to re-live their youth by imagining (and in my ex husband's case actually having sex with) much younger women. Once they've started down that road, I think it's difficult for them to get aroused by their familiar wife.

I couldn't long term.

I would have a frank conversation and suggest that he seeks medical advice then therapy if there is a persistent problem.

If he is willing to work on it then I would support him, however if he doesn't want to then I would think seriously about ending the relationship.

grandma that’s so sad and not the outcome I would want. I think I would rather live without sex than him but I worry that’s how I feel atm and not how I’ll feel in 10 years time!!
caramel sorry you’re going through the same. I was wondering too I’d it’s like a make menopause type response and therefor I should be being more understanding (unlike my CH was with me!!)

Sex definately is not necessary.Intimacy is in mind and body.Sex is just a physical urge that needs to be satisfied by people and you can do this by yourself.

I could 100% live in a sexless relationship, I’m your DP in this scenario
However my partner couldn’t so we have sex
If you can’t you can’t and you shouldn’t have to give it up if you still want it
You may start to resent him

@CaramelMacchiatto

Interesting post. I couldn't live in a sexless relationship. Unfortunately I have a similar situation: I'm far more interested than my DH. I get frustrated about it, trying to talk about it and explain it's important to me. Usually me instigating. It's so tiring and sad. We still do it regularly as I can't imagine otherwise and he's very attentive once started, making sure I'm happy but I have a strong impression we wouldn't do anything for weeks if it wasn't for me. Do men start to lose interest at certain age? Would be interesting to hear their opinions on this here.

Yes & No. There is a male condition called Andropause, which is a dip in testosterone due to aging, starts around early 50s, this can cause a loss of interest in sex

www.nhs.uk/conditions/male-menopause/

But I’m in the other end of the same boat, my wife has gone through menopause and she has no interest in sex now, we have done it twice in the last 2 years, I think we are heading for divorce now.

@Chuechebache

Sex definately is not necessary.Intimacy is in mind and body.Sex is just a physical urge that needs to be satisfied by people and you can do this by yourself.

I'm sorry, but that's a huge load of bollocks.

I tried to live in a sexless relationship and it made me ill in the end. I wish I had left much sooner than I did but the ‘very attentive in other ways’ thing kept me there.

Many women will be living happily in sexless relationships but that doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for you too. I know you love him but if he continues to deny you intimacy that could change, as could the way you view yourself.

If nothing changes would you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

Off topic Op, are you on HRT? I'm intrigued as I genuinely believed a women's libido would reduce significantly after the menopause and intimacy would take on a different form...

"Is it possible this relationship can survive the lack of intimacy into old age?"
You could still practise oral sex? Mutual masturbation? I struggled post partum, as do a lot of women, with sex so I had to be creative in the ways in which I engaged with my partner. I mean eventually time will come for most is when penetrative sex diminishes significantly.

I am on HRT and my libido is definitely greater than it’s ever been, but to be honest I put that down to different partner!
Mutual masturbation would be fine but I can’t even get him interested in that!
It’s like he just has no physical desires or needs! 🤷‍♀️

@Greengage3 - there is a thing called the Andropause - male menopause - it's quite possible he's hit that. It could be a bunch of other things.

Covid & lockdown has had a huge affect on lots of peoples relationships. It could be depression, it could be ED, it could be... Welll, you get the point.

It doesn't happen to all of us. I'm 60, and my sex drive is as strong as ever. I split with my XW because (amongst other things) her libido dropped off a cliff due to menopause, so I feel your pain.

Does he want to make things better? Would he be prepared to see a doctor? What about couples councelling?

I'd say you need to sit him down, and have a long, open & honest talk with him - life is far far too short to be in a sexless relationship.

People's libidos vary (it is harmful bullshit that men always want sex and women just tolerate it). An individual's interest in sex can vary throughout their lifetime as well. Unfortunately, when a couple have very different levels of interest in sex, the relationship often founders - unless they can talk about it and see what kind of mutually-pleasing compromise they can come to.