I ended it and feel awful

[Knackerednow2019]

Hey, I have been in a relationship with a 52yo man for 2 years. I am 49. We were in love and it was very intense; it got intense quite quickly.

Long story short: James has a LOT of baggage. Difficult baby-mama drama, likely alcohol dependence, some fantastical thinking about what he wants and what he can do, and anxious attachment, which means I never seem committed enough to him, even when I am.

I found myself getting unwell because I was so tired trying to give everything he needed while helping him develop boundaries in his life, encourage his dreams of the future etc. I found myself drained rather than energised by being with him. I found it difficult to talk about this but was conscious that he always wanted more than I could give, emotionally.

Recently he said he wanted to marry me. He's said it since, and thinks I have cold feet because I've ended the relationship. But he's only said it during fights, and it makes me feel a bit crazy. I thought about living together, and I felt horrified. I realised that he exhausts me and that though I love him deeply, I just can't deal with his level of neediness. There is so much emotional drama - and there will always be the exes and the 2 kids under 7 to think about. Besides which I have my own ex and my own kids to deal with - I am not just available for him.

I have tried to talk about my feelings but he doesn't listen or he gets upset. He tells me what we have is amazing and as good as it gets. I have broken it off as gently as I could and he tells me I am wrong. Then he sent two unkind messages suggesting I'm having an affair, and telling me I've broken his heart.

I am devastated to lose him because I love the way he feels next to me. I love him and I care about his feelings. But I also feel that despite the fun times and the commitment (and who doesn't want to feel like someone really loves them?) the relationship was always actually about his needs and not mine.

Please tell me i did the right thing. I think I would rather be alone than in the wrong relationship (I have been married to a man before for 20 years and I'm looking for something that is both loving and stable).

You absolutely did the right thing here in ending this codependent and dysfunctional relationship. This was a disaster in the making and you ignored and it otherwise minimised the red flags thrown up early on. Why was this?. Read about codependency in relationships and see how much of that was reflected in your own behaviour.

Love your own self for a change and raise your relationship bar a lot higher going forward. Do not date until you’ve done this and got some therapy. Why are your boundaries so low that this man was at all allowed into your life?. You cannot be a rescuer or saviour in a relationship because neither approach works. If you have such tendencies and it appears you do, seek therapy and start to unlearn all the crap that you’ve learnt about relationships till now.

You've done the right thing, painful as it is at first, these feelings will soon subside when you see the clearer picture. It sounds similar to my last relationship a few years ago... intense connection at first and I loved him deeply but it was ultimately all about his needs.

For support during this painful time look up on Youtube videos by Lisa Romano and Dr Ramani who talk about trauma bonding and co dependent relationships. They were recommended on here and I've gained lots of knowledge and understanding from them.

Thank you both. Yes I thought I was over traumatic relationships but I see now that I was a magnet for a needy man, and codependency. I will check out those videos and think again about therapy.

Do you think it was lovebombing. I can't stand needy men and would dump at the first sign of clinginess.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Your posts are brilliant! I first came across these forums whilst in a similar relationship to the OPs a few years back. I was blown away by posters like yourself and have learnt so much since. I only wish I had discovered MN sooner.

OP I was devastated to end it but looking back I am annoyed with myself I put up with so much and neglected my own needs. Wishing you strength and happiness x

If James also goes by the name of Titch you have had a very lucky escape.

He sounds just like the ex of a friend if mine (just like his ex baby mama). He was/is a tiresome man child who has never thought further than the end of his dick. Selfish, self centred, gobshite!

Block, move on, be happy.

Definitely done the right thing. You owe this man nothing , all he has done is drag you down to being as miserable as he obviously is!!

You said it yourself, OP, he was making you ILL. That’s not love. Why should you ever question yourself for letting someone down gently after they put you through all that you described?

Be sad, grieve for what could have been, but then move on and be happy with some reinforced boundaries in place.

Just been watching a lot of videos about codependency and what got me into this situation. I am so very grateful to those who pointed me in that direction. I have been in such a head swim: not sure what to feel, the love bombing and his needs, not able to see what I needed. I understand now this is on me to fix so I don't attract another man with codependency and addiction issues of his own.

Well done for making your escape.

You were not in a relationship of equals, your role was carer to him.

Utter exhaustion and deep disappointment was what your furture would look like with him.

Well done.

He sounds utterly exhausting and has sucked the life out of you. Wise decision on your part xx

Without any doubt at all you've done the right thing.

He says you had something amazing - that's because he was taking all the time, and you were giving. Both your lives were centred on him and his needs.

He's shown he's utterly selfidh and worried only about his own needs and feelings. He doesn't care that you were tired, ill, upset, not supported. He doesn't even see that. As far as he's concerned, he is the centre of the world and he doesn't understand why you don't want to be with him any more.

He will always demand attention, support, effort, energy. He will take it from you while giving nothing back (and I'm afraid this sort of person often disappears as soon as you need help in some way).

He would't get better. He would likely get worse. No relationship should leave you feeling like you felt.

Ignore what he says from hereon. Remember he's out only for himself and what's best for him. And he liked having you as a crutch, a support, a servant to his needs and moods. He isn't thinking about (or even that interested in) you and what you want.

Stay strong. Take time to recharge and find yourself again.

@Knackerednow2019

Thank you both. Yes I thought I was over traumatic relationships but I see now that I was a magnet for a needy man, and codependency. I will check out those videos and think again about therapy.

You weren't a magnet for anything. That makes it sound like there's something about you that emotionally unhealthy people are drawn to; it doesn't work like that. You may attract another man with these issues, or different issues. Any of us might. It's not about not attracting unhealthy people. It's about spotting the ill health of the relationship, and moving away from it, with confidence. It's about choosing to say no, rather than staying with someone you're not compatible with. You've done that.

Have confidence now in your move away from this relationship. This is the only strength you need. The strength to walk away when it's unhealthy.

It took me a lot of therapy to realise that I'd never needed therapy. There was nothing wrong with me. It's not about changing yourself; it's about changing the people you spend time with. It's as simple as 'If it feels uncomfortable, get further away from it. If it feels comfortable, get closer to it.'

If you can get your head around that, you can apply it to your current situation, and recognise that you can have full confidence in your decision. You can also apply it to your future, and not have to go through many many expensive, time consuming therapy sessions.