My DS11, recently diagnosed autistic, came back from his Dad's Thursday in a FOUL mood. He has been incredibly volatile all weekend and saying he doesn't want to go to his dad's.
Ex has always struggled to manage kids around stuff which they are resistant to - his tactic is shouting and character assassination ("what's wrong with you? You should know x and do y!" sort of thing.) It's a reason I left, a little more than a year ago. He is particularly hard on DS, as DS has a particularly hard time with sudden and uncontextualised instructions. Ex personally struggles with the idea he might have to give fair warning and sees no problem interrupting whatever the kids are doing to tell them to do their homework now. Obviously this is tricky for DS and he ends up in hour long arguments/ meltdowns rather than taking 15 mins just to do his work. Thing is, if you agree with him a time, and warn him when it's approaching, he manages fine.
Obviously I am really not wise about all this - part of me leaving was to create respite and sanctuary for DS to be away from his dad who is always on his case (and was always on mine). I have tried to facilitate a relationship, I the kids stay with Ex 3 nights and when DS complains about his dad I try to speak warmly about his dad's intentions and explain how he just wants good things for DS or is overwhelmed in conflict so not necessarily handling things well, which is not about DS etc. I actually hate Ex sometimes because I feel like I have to defend him when actually I'd rather ring him up and tell him to sort his shit out. But if telling him to sort his shit out was any use, we wouldn't be where we are. I'm fairly certain Ex is not defending me to the kids - he has told them that I left him and he wanted to work it out etc.
The whole thing is clouded by the fact that I really feel that I couldn't live with and didn't want to spend time with Ex for the same reasons DS doesn't want to. He couldn't see my pov, assumed I was disagreeing with him on anything to be difficult, assumed he knew better than me on all sorts of stuff he had no clue about. Only the other day, when we were discussing DSs diagnosis, he became fixated on telling me how I should have conducted a conversation with my Mum about the situation and shouldn't be angry with her (her attitude to the dx is pretty offensive). I know I'm supposed to be supportive of their relationship but actually I think Ds and Exs relationship is toxic and harmful to DS.
WWYD? And how would you do it? We also have a DD, who in Exs eyes can do no wrong. Don't EVEN get me started on that.