Red flag based on past behaviour or am I being unfair

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

New ish guy been about 5 mths now.
Randomly came out last night he was prosecuted for benefit fraud, actual fraud to rather than a mistake which he did freely admit. Explained he was stupid etc and felt awful.
Makes me really uncomfortable as I'm quite straight laced and work in a law field.
He's generally lovely and we get on really well.
Is this enough to re think as I don't know?

Past behaviour is the best indicator for future behaviour. It is completely fine for this to be a line in the sand for you so if you feel uncomfortable despite his assurances then you need to end it.

You don't get prosecuted for benefit fraud, fraud is very difficult to prove.
He would have been prosecuted for failing to declare a change in circumstance.

Did he say why he did it or any other info?

I used to work in benefits (helping rather than DWP) and I met numerous people who had to pay back money to the DWP for various reasons.
Some were genuine mistakes, some were in DV relationships and had no access to money so claimed, others did it because they could.

He went to court and could have faced prison for it... So I assumed it was more serious level than a failure to declare and he had community servuce plus re pay the funds I think

OP in your shoes I would be trying to judge whether there was any regret and whether his view/outlook had changed, and he'd learned from it. I believe that everyone should be given the opportunity to change and not be judged by past mistakes.

But if it's a red flag for you...that's what counts.

100% deal breaker for me.

I don't think it's worth getting involved with someone who's been convicted of anything ever if you work in the legal field.

Personally I would find it difficult to move past this. Honesty and integrity are important to me - I would find it hard to respect someone who did this.

I would feel massively repelled by someone whose moral code allowed this even if they did regret it later. I couldn't continue the relationship. I really hate dishonesty of any kind though and want a partner who feels similar. I recognise humans make mistakes and can learn from them but that's a hefty one.
However I would respect the honesty and the fact that he does regret it. I would also not want him to start covering it up to others so I think I would bow out of the relationship but without pinpointing that as the reason. (suppose he's suspect it anyway, but that can't be helped)

How long ago was it? What age was he? Is he working now? What did he learn from this? If he actively made positive changes in his life and it was a eureka moment for sorting himself out I'd consider continuing, but I want a very honest discussion first.

There is no crime called benefit fraud, its a failure to declare and prison sentence is an option for anyone prosecuted for that.
Rarely anyone goes to prison, usually its community service.
All overpayments have to be paid back even if the judge doesn't say that because the judge is dealing with the crime and the DWP deal with the overpayment.

As an aside only you can decide whether this is acceptable, what might this conviction stop him doing?

I'd also like to know the amount and reason. £1k is different to £20k.
I've known,through work people prosecuted for both amounts.

How long ago was this? That would be relevant for me I think. I mean, if he was 20 at the time and now he's 50 and decent, hard-working etc I could probably overlook it.

But if it was recent, then absolutely not.

I'd also be interested in his explanation of why. The language used, the 'excuses' would help tell you if he is genuinely completely regretful or if there is still something of that person in there.

I think it would give me the ick TBH.

Not wishing to disclose tmi, it was around 8 years ago during a marriage breakdown and he is working full time and has been for 6 years. Fully repaid.
It wasn't a small sum by any stretch, thousands I belive.
He is also was very aware it was wrong but did it anyway as felt pressured, so it wasn't ignorance.
I agree it makes me very concerned, but also I know ppl make mistakes and learn from them and shouldn't be punished forever.

I feel that if he is happy to deceive over that then he has the propensity to deceive in other ways. Sorry but I wouldn’t want to be with him

When I was much young I was cautioned for fraud. I learnt my lesson and never did anything stupid like that again.

People change, and grow up

I'd give me the benefit

@CaveMum'' Past behaviour is the best indicator for future behaviour.''

Blanket statements are never helpful or accurate. Many people make mistakes, go on to see the error of their ways and turn their life around.

If not what would be the point of people going to rehab and overcoming addiction for example or young offenders getting into programmes that help them start new lives. People can change, as long as they have the desire to do so.

It is also very easy to make these types of sweeping statements if you have a nice, comfortable middle class life and have never encountered hardship or/and inequalities.

Anyway, back to the OP: if this is a deal breaker for you then end it. It might not be the best idea if you are in a legal profession to have a partner with a criminal conviction.

Funny though how people get angry about benefit fraud (which is obviously wrong) but have allowed a government to literally waste billions of pounds on a track and trace system, contracts for mates and expenses for MPs. I hope if you are uncomfortable for regular individuals to steal money from the tax payer the same zero tolerance also extend to those in power...

I'm not angry specifically about benefit fraud. I'm just uncomfortable that he knew my job but took 5mths to reveal this information and the nature of it.
If it was a honest mistake which does happen or not telling of a change of circs in a few weeks n repaying it then I t would be fine.
I am pretty laid back and lot of people do change, I was a knob when I was a teenager for example

You've not known him long though - perhaps he wanted to make sure you guys were serious or actually going somewhere before he disclosed to you?

I imagine it is quite a big thing to disclose to someone you barely know.

Think about how it impacts on you though. Will there be any implications for your job.

@ElectraBlue I never said anything about rehabilitation or people not being able to change. It’s a simple fact that we don’t have a crystal ball so when we want to look at how someone is likely to behave in the future the only thing we can go on as a point of reference is their past behaviour.

When you are considering something as important as a potential life partner then of course you need to take their past actions into account and then decide if that is a dealbreaker for you or not. No one can tell another person what they should or should not accept.

Fair.. I susoect its going to involve a hard conversation today, to get details, as he told me when drinking. Then I can make a call.
No implications that I know off I've checked policy n disclosures for work and it's okay

There was someone (years ago) whom I was interested in and essentially he lead me down the merry path and told me a fairly significant piece of info about 3 months later. It halted any potential relationship in its tracks but I thought I’d remain friends.

Years later he has remained in my life and I can now see a veritable field of red flags around him. As such I am boundarying the friendship further and moving him to the periphery of becoming I see perhaps once a month/ every few months.

When I look back to his disclosure, he showed me there and then who he was. I should have paid attention tbh.

In Your shoes I would be furious that he had hidden something this significant from you for such a long period of time.
It talks to who he is and whilst he was wilfully dishonest back then and prosecuted, he has also been wilfully dishonest to you for 5 months. It is a very conscious choice to not tell you. Sorry but I think he’s shown you who he is. He has no regrets about being dishonest back then, because he’s just done it again.

I would walk away.

It was benefit fraud during a difficult period in his life. He paid the price and is remorseful.

If he had finically abused someone then massive flag… but he didn’t.

He told you about it. Not sure when the right time would have been but it can’t have been easy for him to tell you.

This would not be a deal breaker for me. At all.

@SortingItOut

You don't get prosecuted for benefit fraud, fraud is very difficult to prove. He would have been prosecuted for failing to declare a change in circumstance.

Did he say why he did it or any other info?

I used to work in benefits (helping rather than DWP) and I met numerous people who had to pay back money to the DWP for various reasons.
Some were genuine mistakes, some were in DV relationships and had no access to money so claimed, others did it because they could.

Bollocks

@Herecomesthesun70 What part of my post is bollocks?

There's no rules. Some people would be ok with this, some wouldn't. Nobody can advise you on what you find acceptable. People can only tell you what they would do, and that's no use because they've had a different set of life experiences, and a different character to you.

The question really is: Do you want to stay in a relationship with someone who has done this?

[quote SortingItOut]@Herecomesthesun70 What part of my post is bollocks?[/quote]
Pretty much most of it.
People go to prison all the time for it
Misrepresentation of facts.

Deliberately misleading the DWP or local council to obtain benefits.