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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me make sense of this

45 replies

Sea9 · 22/01/2022 20:36

Hi, not sure if I'm seeing things clearly at the moment, please give me your thoughts on this. Been seeing this man for 7 months. We dated for around 2 months before things got physical. He never contacts me but tells me to contact him and he will always make himself available to see me - and he does, he's always makes the time to see me when I contact him. But to the life of me I have no idea why he does not contact me!

We don't date anymore since things have become physical which I don't really mind as we are both enjoying the sex and talking more, getting to know eachother more. However my problem is I feel something is missing, I feel if I don't contact him then he may never contact me which is really strange as I feel he is into me a lot and I am him.

I'm starting to get feeling for him which I don't think I want due to how things are with us. I think he is getting feelings too.

Should I stop seeing him? All I would have to do is not contact him again I guess.

Should I tell him how I feel?

I also don't like the idea of me always contacting him to see him. Although I know he misses me and wants to see me so why not be the one who contacts first sometimes?

He tells me he's not like regular guys and I think he likes this idea of him being "different".

OP posts:

Kelly7889 · 22/01/2022 22:26

You ring him when you want sex and he obliges. That's all it is. If you want a real relationship, you need to move on.

CousinKrispy · 22/01/2022 22:27

I'm a socially awkward weirdo who hates picking up the phone, and even I think this sounds weird. Whether you live each other, are FWB, or simply friends, insisting that you must always initiate contact seems really unusual and leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Unless he has some sort of social anxiety that's focused on initiating contact with someone....urgh. I'd just be inclined to stop contacting him altogether.

Original poster

Sea9 · 22/01/2022 22:31

@Kelly7889 haha yes I suppose it's that in a nutshell. I do want to keep seeing him so I suppose I should stop seeing him for a while so my feeling for him die down and just call him when I want to sleep with him. Agh! I just don't know! FML.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sea9 · 22/01/2022 22:34

@CousinKrispy yes that is true, even if its just FWB it's still not normal for just one person to always initiate contact. I've never been in this situation before, it's such a head fuck.

OP posts:

LightSpeeds · 22/01/2022 22:39

Maybe you should just be honest with him. Tell him you feel he's not really interested in you and that you would like HIM to equally arrange meetings... then see what he does.

If there's no action from his side (for whatever reason) then it's probaby time to give him up!

Original poster

Sea9 · 22/01/2022 22:43

Maybe you should just be honest with him. Tell him you feel he's not really interested in you and that you would like HIM to equally arrange meetings... then see what he does

Thank you for this.
Does everyone else agree this is what I should do?

If so, how should I word it?
I

OP posts:

Dillydollydingdong · 22/01/2022 22:47

Yes definitely. And if he doesn't, you know where you stand.

Alcemeg · 22/01/2022 22:49

[quote Sea9]@Alcemeg yes . Maybe I should stop seeing him but I like seeing him this is where is gets confusing. I don't know what I should do.[/quote]
Bless you, it's certainly confusing! Have you asked him why he is like this? perhaps has has some secret fantasy of being a gigolo in demand!!

Can you be playful but honest about it? Something along the lines of it being his turn next? It's natural to want the reaching-out to be a two-way process, and a bit of a headfuck when it isn't.

Aubree17 · 22/01/2022 22:57

I think you need to be honest with him.

Simply say you feel that you need to feel like he wants to see you, and you having to prompt every date is making you feel like he isn't keen / however it makes you feel.

Be calm, don't be angry and be clear. Don't hint, get straight to the point.

His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

rosiebl · 22/01/2022 23:05

Totally agree on calling it out. I dated a similar man. It's a power play; you asking to see him, he's not that bothered so isn't asking to see you. We stopped going on dates too. Just met for sex. Made me feel needy and cringey. Makes me a bit angry with myself that I allowed it for so long. He clearly wasn't that interested in me. Ask him straight up why he doesn't contact you.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 22/01/2022 23:36

It sounds like he has an ego the size of Asia and just likes the idea that you're chasing him.

I would have a talk with him. Are we exclusive? Are you my boyfriend? Because if you are, then I need you to be more forthcoming. I don't like being treated like a dirty little secret that you're deigning to be with when I contact you. I want to feel like you actually want to be with me, not just that I'm an option when I contact you? If we're not together, then that's fine, but I need to knock this on the head because I'm not in the market for a FWB. I want a boyfriend.

His response to something like the above will tell you everything you need to know TBH. DON'T fall into a FWB situation, you'll only break your own heart as you already have feelings for him.

Pinkbonbon · 22/01/2022 23:51

Healthy people don't have huge egos. Nor do they bang on about how different (or special) they are from everyone else. Or expect you to chase them.
You're dating a narcissist or similar. Run.

spotcheck · 23/01/2022 00:01

I don't know what his game is

Does it matter? Because this man is playing games

Original poster

Sea9 · 23/01/2022 08:24

Thank you all.
I've been reading up on power play and it fits him like a glove.

OP posts:

layladomino · 23/01/2022 08:44

I think I would just stop contacting him.

If he has any feelings whatsoever for you, he will get in touch and seek you out, even if it's just to check you're OK and not ill or dead or something!

If he doesn't get in touch, he doesn't care.

You'll have your answer. You say you really like him, but if he doesn't care enough to contact you then you're better off out of it before you get in any deeper, and face worse upset.

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/01/2022 08:55

It all sounds so emotionally damaging for you, and for what? Just for the longing and the concept of what you want - but it doesn’t exist. It’s just hurting you. The longer you leave it and the more you allow emotions to develop, the more it will hurt. It’s tough but you have to choose nothing over something which is hurting you.

MizzFizz · 23/01/2022 09:06

Leave him in the past. Even if you like seeing him, it's never a good start to a relationship when the person is a "project" (you're already trying to figure out why he's behaving like this....), and to be clear his behaviour isn't OK, but it's not up to you to figure out why and fix it/him. Leave the red flags in the past and find an emotionally healthy partner who treats you right.

(You could try talking about it, once, but if he doesn't immediately shape up, that would be it for me. Anyone who would act like that in the first place obviously has some major issues)

Original poster

Sea9 · 24/01/2022 17:32

Thank you all. It's a hard one as I don't want to stop seeing him. If he doesn't invest more then I guess I will pull back a bit and keep my feeling in check.

OP posts:

DatingDinosaur · 24/01/2022 18:50

Sounds like he’s having his cake and eating it. You do all the running (no, that’s not normal), he makes minimal effort then gets sex (that you’re enjoying it too at the moment is just incidental).

I’d not bother “making the first move” anymore and see what pans out… and then you’ll have your answer.

If you do carry on making the first move then make it A Date and not just sex.

Oh, and have That Talk – see if you’re both singing from the same hymn-sheet in terms of relationship expectations and, if you are, spell it out to him that he needs to make more of an equal effort to keep in touch to arrange things and not just sex as it’s giving you the wrong impression / false hope of where the two of you are headed.

To be honest, a selfish, insecure control freak with a big ego doesn’t sound that attractive to me, no matter how good the sex is!

In fact, it sounds like it could spell trouble further down the line..

I think I may have just got a Red Flag on your behalf

And I see PinkBonBon has also got the same Red Flag.

In fact, your puzzling this out on here means YOU’ve got the Red Flag too, otherwise you wouldn’t be asking if this is normal (because you know it’s not).

Urrghh, no. Scrap That Talk. Just run. He’ll just tell you what you want to hear then not change anything or make it all about him and how insecure he is/has mental health issues/his late uncle’s parrot died and that’s why you’re being needy and clingy (yes, you read that right – he’ll make it YOUR fault HE doesn’t get in touch).

I think I’ll shut up now, lol.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 24/01/2022 19:17

We don't date anymore since things have become physical

To me this is dreadful. So you're just "no strings attached" sex. AND he doesnt even contact you.
If that's what you want OP, great. But if you want an actual relationship, exit this mess ASAP.

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