Toxic friendship? Confused!

[Cupcakes19]

Hi all,

I feel so confused. Will try to keep it short!

Basically a group of us mums met at NCT class almost 10 years ago. All got on well, couple have relocated but stayed in touch. We would all meet up regularly & our husbands got on well too. We hosted quite a few parties, had days out & even a few days away together with our families. Some of dc go to school together.

Just before Covid/first lockdown our family was excluded from a small Christmas get together despite saying we were free. I brushed it off, assuming it was an error.
Since then there have been more social events/days out we have been not invited to, and we cannot understand the reason why.

It seems two ‘friends’ don’t want us there, especially if they meet up. I understand if friends want to have 1:1 time, but when one friend in particular asks if we have plans at the weekend, I say no, let us know if you want to meetor if you hear anything. I don’t hear anything then I see her family have met up with the other (posts all over fb). We are not invited.
If I mention it or bring it up she makes excuses like oh I thought you’d be busy. I feel she’s become controlling & is always involved in social events, her family never miss out. She’s also started to make bitchy remarks about others or puts down my ideas in group chats.

Last weekend they both (plus another friend & her family) all met up for a walk/had a picnic/birthday cake as one of the kids birthday. Posts all over fb. Again we were not invited & I felt so hurt my children were excluded I cried.

There have been no fall outs or arguments. I’ve asked one friend (who I feel I trust) have I/my family done something who said no & mentioned they are not always invited & have at times felt the same. But in reality they are invited more than us.
Is this just over sight? I just feel so hurt. How can I move on when our kids are friends & see each other at school?

I’m sure it’s the queen bee mentality. The reality is a of women are bitchy and others dont want to lose their ‘place’. Shocking behaviour but true. Make sure you have other friends also.

I don't have any advice except cut the cords. Remove all the social media, put yourself out of range of it.

Don't make an announcement, just slide quietly away with your dignity intact. Give no explanations, expect bone, move along with your family into whatever phase awaits.

You don't need to be part of this bullshit, because that's all it is. A pile of shallow photos to spread across the interenet designed to make others feel less than. This person has decided you are to be out in the cold filled with envy at her perfect life.
Dont play that role.
Take back your power and disengage with this arsehole and be yourself. You are not a piece of scenery in someone else's contrived photos.

What Lola says. No announcements needed - theyve shown you who they are. There are nicer people out there, hope 2022 is a better year for you.

I agree with Lola. Disengage completely from this BS. Your children can still he friends at school without you getting involved. I know it'll he hard after so many years but it's honestly not worth it.

It only takes one Queen bee to ruin a friendship group - have seen it at work. I'd stick to the nice people in the group and hide her on Facebook.

Remember sm is fake.
Imo. Teach your dc to make better friends by doing so yourself..

Feel for you OP. Had this with family and it's shite. I'm past caring now. Well I try. Saw a quote the other day "don't walk over oceans for people who wouldn't cross a puddle for you." So very true.

It's rubbish and hurtful when people don't like you.

Leave them alone and contact privately the people you do like and arrange outings with them. I think that's fairly obvious and an easy thing to do. And don't fanfare photos on Facebook!

Is this just a few of the mums meeting up without you?

Or the whole group except you?

I think you have to expect that a couple of people might be closer than others, and you might not be invited to everything. But if it's all of the group with just you being excluded then that's harsh.

Do your children have any behavioural problems, or could they not want your children there for some reason? I've seen this happen where a friend with a badly behaved child stopped being invited to certain things.

Get new friends. Life is too short

Why are you upset about someone that makes bitchy comments and puts you down. You know what she’s like - she’s showing you. And none of the others are backing you up. You really don’t need people like that.

If it is just two of the group, then try and arrange things with the others.

And put effort into finding other people to spend time with. They won't be instant replacement friends, of course, but a wider circle will help you move away from the difficult ones. And over time new friendshioos might grow

It sounds like it isn't personal if they sometimes exclude other people and you're aware they are making bitchy comments about others.

I agree there seems to be an element of Queen Bee happening here.

You say you're left out more than others. If that's true then it could be that they're more threatened by you. Also, bullies tend to pick on one person at a time, as it's easier to divide people that way. So they'll try to alienate you, then pick on the next person etc.

I would stop trying to engage with them. If there are people in teh group you still get along with, make arrangements to meet them separately. Have a lovely time with them. Don't waste time trying to get back in Queen Bee's good books. They aren't worth it and it wouldn't work anyway.

Some Queen Bees do let you back in eventually, then they drop someone else for a while. Almost on a rota. You just pray for the day that the others wise up and get together and stop playing their silly childish games.

I had a group of friends likes this. Queen Bee wanted the feeling of control and gate keeping who was invited to things and the others just let her as it was easiest, they were manipulated into the sense that they were lucky to be invited and a lot of people just dont stick up for others or assume that if you aren't invited then queen bee, the organiser must have asked and you said no. I ditched them in the end although a few years later one tried very hard to get back in touch with me and we have made up. She explained how queen bee manipulated it all but is frustratingly still friends as it's a 'group' mentality.

From what I can tell my former friend the 'queen bee' is still like it now so I tho k people like that continue to be controlling when they have kids. It's tedious but you either need to ditch them all or organise things yourself and invite who from the group you want.

Facebook is a great way to subtly send messages to people- it’s actually subtle bullying. Come off it. I did two years ago and I’ve never looked back! These people will turn on each other eventually. As others said make plans with others in the group and bypass the queen bee. Don’t torture yourself it’s not worth it

@UnUdderOne

It only takes one Queen bee to ruin a friendship group - have seen it at work. I'd stick to the nice people in the group and hide her on Facebook.

Yes, twice i have been the one that a queen bee decided to exclude from the group. First at work, i think her thinking was that i was too old to join in the chat and i should know my place as not being included. 😲🤔

@Cupcakes19 does everybody else just fall in to line with queen bee ? If they do then you are pushing water up hill here. If that is the situation, i would aim to nurture the best 1 to 1 friendship you have in the group. But give up on bein part of the group :-(

If the queen bee has decided you are needy/weird and drafted in the support of the narrative, nothing you do can change this. Only fading away like you dont care will prove queen bee wrong.

If it's just queen bee excluding you, it miiight be worth shiningba light on it.

With at least one but max two witnesses, say "queen bee, i feel like you're excluding me from this group. Is that your intention?".

She'll either avoid conflictbandcsay oh gosh no. And if she does, this is important take her at her word and say "oh good".

If she goes in to battle with you there and then telling you you whatsapped so and so to say you had a headache on the 10th so she obviously did nothing wrong assuming that you wouldn't be free on 11th, dont get in to the specifics but say "we all prefer to decide for ourselves if we are free or not".

If she really goes in to battle with a list of yr faults then say "ok" and withdraw.

The witnesses will have perceived thatbas an attack.

Sometimes people in a group are very weak or they can't be bothered standing up for whats right.

People with no strong sense of themself but "unhealthy high self esteem" define themselves by what the group is not. So if they want to believe they are a rock chick and you admit vulnerability in your cath kidston cardigan, it makes sense to them that you cannot be a part of this group because this group is tied up with who they are.

Some people look at a group and divide the others in to enablers or threats.

If you arent perceived to be powerful in the group, but also, dont fawn over them, then you are filed under THREAT, they will feel more comfortable with you gone, and getting rid of you makes them feel powerful.

It is subtle bullying @SunflowerTed The queen bee I knew would write 'cant wait to hang out at wherever with X, Y,Z etc!! Gonna be fun times ladies' and other shite on Facebook walls knowing full well they wanted the excluded parties to see it and wanted everyone else to think they are really popular. In her 40s now and still does it. I used to find it hurtful but it's a bit sad and try hard.

This is shitty behaviour but I would unfollow the culprits so you don't have their photos and gloating thrust in your face unexpectedly all the time. You don't have to unfriend if it'll make it awkward at school but muting or unfollowing them means you won't have to see it either.

Could you maybe arrange something with one of the other couples that you are close to within the group? Or make more effort with friends outside of this circle?

There is clearly some sort of hierarchy going on, don't allow yourself to be at the bottom. Just disengage.

Yes, unfollow and block anybody who colludes with The Queen Bee. If instead of standing up to include you, they are allowing you to be excluded then, it's too late. Fade away and deprive them of yr emotional reaction to being excluded. See other friends so that feel connected again. Even if you are atill dealing with the same shit, you'll be doing it with the armour of having recently connected with different friends

Queen bees are total arseholes - no idea of sisterhood and not a jot of kindness in them. Their side kicks are shameful cowards - but this is most people - they fear the Queen. If a Queen bee has taken against you it is best to stay out of the group and build up your one to one friendships. One day when those friendships are rock solid and the Queen bee sees this, she will be sick as shit.

@fuckoffImcounting but you lose so much respect for the sidekicks. I know I did and that's why I pulled away from the whole group. I don't feel I can form solid friendships with people who are such cowards.

Thank you all for the advice and taking the time to comment. The Queen Bee/hierarchy comments are spot on!!
I just feel I’m only ever needed if it fits in with her/their rota/needs. I’m done.
I do have other friends outside of this group so
I’m going to concentrate on those friends from now on. I’ve also just signed up to a new fitness class with my neighbour.
Take care & thank you xxx