My birthday.

[HoneyItAlreadyDid]

I don’t know if this is the right place, sorry if it isn’t. Also, I feel embarrassed writing what I’m about to write, I’d like anyone reading this to know that from the outset.

I’m feeling sad because most of the important people in my life almost totally ignore my birthday. I feel so pathetic caring about this and for some strange reason, it is bothering me more the older I get. I have never had a birthday party, even as a child. Often, I wouldn’t have a cake or presents on the day, parents weren’t organised for it. My sisters didn’t have parties either but there would always be nicely wrapped presents and a cake and a nice birthday meal for their birthdays. As adults, my sisters will often have a meal cooked at my parents, or sometimes a wider family meal or a wee party, there is never any suggestion of this for me. It has gone on so long that the idea of even suggesting doing anything for my birthday makes me feel so cringey with embarrassment. The joke has always been that it is a rubbish time of year for a birthday and no one wants to eat more food and buy more presents (early Jan).

I have children of my own now and I am so diligent about making their birthdays special and it is always a pleasure for me to do this. I make birthday cakes for my nieces and nephews too, have hosted my children’s parties as well as my nieces and nephews on occasion as my sister thought her house was too small to host. For my parents and sisters, I drive about making special deliveries so they have gifts on the day, it has never occurred to me not to. DH’s birthday is between Christmas and new year so he often gets a bit of a shitty birthday deal too, but I always make sure he has wrapped presents on the day, usually new clothes and one or two surprise items. The kids gather round with us and he opens them with everyone watching, just like we do for the kids birthdays. This year he handed me an unwrapped box a few days after my birthday.

I am aware that most people reading this will think I sound entitled, I honestly can’t express these feelings to anyone in real life because I hate the thought of how much of a spoilt brat I would sound whining about my birthday. But it feels hurtful that no one cares enough to even attempt to make it slightly special for me. I know from day to day interactions that my family care about me. Which adds to how pathetic I feel about this.

The answer would seem to be that I organise something, but as I’ve said, I feel like it would be embarrassing and draw attention to how little effort is usually paid to it and the story has always been no one wants to do something at that time of year anyway. Thoughts and advice welcome.

You're not being entitled at all.
Your family are just plain mean.
My youngest, now 40, has a January birthday and always had a party, card, cake, presents etc.from me and DH when younger to his DW now.
We're not at all into flashy, expensive celebrations but no one in the family has their birthday go unmarked, and we're a big family.
I'm so sorry that you do so much for others when they can't be bothered with your birthday.
I'd like to suggest pulling back a bit on what you do for your ungrateful lot, but I sense that it's not in your nice nature.
Maybe try to stick to organising stuff just for your own kids but have a strong word with your husband and let him know how let down you feel.
Anyway best wishes from me and I hope next year turns out to be better. Mx.

I think you’re entitled to feel hacked off too. Doesn’t matter what time of the year your birthday is how difficult is it for your husband to organise flowers, a trip to the theatre, a meal out, or even arrange a manicure / facial / massage for you.
I don’t have any solutions, sorry.

January is a crap time to have a birthday.

Everyone skint after Christmas. December payday usually early.
Regifted or bought-in-sales present.
Dry january etc
Or the joint birthday&Christmas or joint birthday & valentine present. WTF?!

Everyone has a birthday and each one has 12 months to arrange something for it, so there's no excuse really.

I'm sorry they're all so unkind about your birthday. There's no excuse for it at all.
I'm especially surprised at your sisters who are enjoying birthday celebrations of their own while still ignoring yours. Also letting you run round after everyone, sorting out treats & surprises. This is not on & extremely hurtful.
Family: back right off from their birthdays, be unavailable to help with anything from now.
Dh: Tell him in no uncertain terms you expect a lot more effort on your birthday just as you make for his & your dc (who are lucky to have such a lovely mum). How dare he treat you like this?
Yourself: Believe you are worth a fuss on your birthday, you sound a lovely person, don't let anyone take advantage of you. You are worth so much more than this.

You aren't being entitled at all. I would feel upset by that. It doesn't make a different when your birthday is - as pp said, people have 12 months to prepare for it!

For a start I would stop making a fuss of other people who don't make a fuss of you. I don't mean in a spiteful way. Just - why would you? You'll save yourself some time and money, and things will have evened up a bit. They can hardly complain about it either - if anyone was entitled enough to ask, you have the obvious answer ready 'I thought we'd stopped buying for each other as you haven't given me a gift for xx years?'

With your DH I think you have to say something. It isn't unreasonable to feel upset that your OH can't be bothered to make an effort on your birthday. Fine if you've both agreed not to buy each other presents, but this clearly isn't the case here. He happily accepts stuff from you but can't be bothered to do the same in return.

Is he thoughtless in other ways?

If he's otherwise a great husband who is kind and thoughtful, but just has some inability to buy presents (!) then a calm conversation will sort that out once for a all. If he's regularly thoughtless, and can't be bothered to make an effort for you, then you have a bigger problem than a lack of birthday presents.

You’re not being entitled or whiney at all. You had an awful start with a weird, hurtful family dynamic where your birthday was ignored, and that has been continued by your husband. Now that you are adult, you can do things differently.

I think you could discuss this fully with your DH, explain your childhood situation and say you want to create a new tradition with your own kids, where everybody’s birthdays are celebrated fully. It’s therefore up to him to do the basics (buy and wrap a gift for the actual day, arrange a meal etc) and help your kids to do the same for you as they grow up.

They all sound thoughtless

Stop driving around delivering presents to your family when they don’t even seem to bother with you. Tell your dh it’s not good enough as well

Early Jan bd are a bit tricky to remember and plan for BUT it’s not like a surprise! It is the same every year!

How about this year, each time you do something for someone else’s birthday, you could say ‘and don’t forget mine next year, it’s in January, remember’. They have had a nice reminder, then it’s up to them.
If they still forget then time for you to stop too.

Big hugs. And kick your DH up the bum. This is not good enough

You're not being entitled at all. My dd has a January birthday and we always make a special effort for her.

In your shoes I'd just stop doing anything birthday related for these people including your dh. I'd also give him a bollocking for being so thoughtless about your birthday. I'd point out the effort you made for his, and how shitty he made you feel.

As for your family, stop, just stop!

A few days before you need to start saying what you’d like & building in traditions that you do for one another eg putting some bunting up, blowing up some balloons, birthday breakfast, gifts on the table.
Explain what you want to the kids and DH & remind them to make it happen. You’re so busy focusing on everyone else that you have become invisible. Happy Birthday 🎈

I know how you feel. Post Christmas birthday and I'm perpetually forgotten (never had a party either even as a child).For my 30th hubby gave me a birthday card and forgotten Christmas card, with nothing from the children. After many years of noone really doing anything I was utterly crushed. We didn't speak for months and I questioned how I could be with someone who was so thoughtless. I always do things for his birthday. Even when he doesn't ask for anything, I do it because I care. My parents said he was an idiot but they did nothing either and didn't think to ask him if he was planning anything. He now knows how deeply I was hurt and we discuss the plan before my birthday so I know he will do something (like cards, bowling with the kids). Nothing special, just being acknowledged with a birthday cake. Last year I told my SIL to get lost after 18 years of her never acknowledging my birthday despite me doing parties for her and always getting cards and presents for her and her family. She ranted I was "entitled" and so what, I'm a grown up so who cares about a birthday. As I get older I am less tolerant of assholes. Speak to your husband and get rid of asshole family who don't value you.

You are not being entitled at all. Your birthday is for you and a day where your supposed to feel special and be treated as its a day only for you. Sending

And happy birthday!!!!

Don't want to start you down a rabbit hole but us thus the only way you feel your parents have favoured your siblings over you? And has your husband form for being 'thoughtless' (or selfish) ?

It also sounds like you are very much a giver..
And perhaps a person that runs around after others too much? Maybe prone to worrying a lot about what others think of you?

I just wonder if its possible you come from a family with golden child vs scapegoat dynamics and as such, as the family scapegoat, have learned that your needs come last ir are irrelevant. And have therefore, settled for a partner that also, treats you that way. And if you may have issues with codependecy (getting your self worth from running around after others) as a result.

All very big ifs of course, but just on the off chance any of this resonates...

Another YANBU from me. I don't expect the world on a stick but a nice card, a few gifts and a special meal/takeaway/dinner out are standard in this house.

My DP comes from a low key birthday family, think card, bog standard dinner and a £10 voucher. Horses for courses so I don't interfere in that. But I always try to make his birthday nice (nothing mega) and he does the same for me.

A January birthday is no excuse for the lack of effort. Mines on the 29th of December but my birth is still celebrated and I still have a nice day.

I can't believe your family treat you like this.
Firstly I have a winter birthday I always, always had birthday parties and I actually enjoyed having a birthday close to Christmas as I felt extra special getting presents twice.
Dd is a winter birthday too. Her boyfriend took her abroad with her best friends, he paid for it all.
I echo what others have said.
Do not buy anything for your sisters or oarenrs, just don't do it. Do not host your nephews/nieces. If anyone comments say "You must be joking, you didn't even buy me a birthday present and you have the nerve to expect me to host your child's birthday party!!!" Do not back down.
As for your dh is he usually this thoughtless and uncaring? I would say "Right I have been thinking, seeing as though I didn't get anything special for my birthday, I would like X Y or Z this year."
If he says anything such as oh it's the wrong time of year, tell him that's fine you don't mind going a few weeks later.
There really is no excuse for this thoughtlessness.
Also think about your children and the examples they are seeing. What this is Telling them is that woman/mothers do not matter.

Please stop running around doing special deliveries for your parents and sisters. It is totally rotten they never celebrated you, yet expect you to host their celebrations. Have a talk with your husband, it is absolutely not entitled to want your birthday to be a little bit special.
Why not for your next birthday you take your self for a treat day of hair, nails, a nice lunch and maybe even a glass of champagne, buy yourself some presents.

YANBU

Happy birthday @HoneyItAlreadyDid

I have a Jan bday too. Dh is always good, but this year I wanted trainers so I need to pick and try them on, hence I haven't had them yet.

I have 3 sisters and we always mark our bdays. All 3 have bdays weeks before Christmas and I always make an effort.

As it stands, only one sister has given me a gift this year. We went out for dinner for the other 3.as their bdays are so close together. Nothing for me (although to be fair, the sister I am closest to wanted to organise something but the others were busy)

I don't particularly care about gifts tbh, I'm not materialistic. But I am also the one who will make sure you have your gift on time, I will send Christmas cards, cards to say well done or sympathy cards when there's been a loss.

But this year I am not doing it. Nobody cares. And by saying that I'm not saying "poor me" I am saying, nobody cares, they don't notice one way or another, it means nothing to them, so they won't notice if I stop.

Get yourself something nice, you deserve to celebrate another whole year of you

You don't sound entitled at all. Of course you want to feel spoiled on your birthday, to feel that your family have made an effort for you.

Your h sounds a bit useless. Does he know how you feel? If not, tell him! He should be bending over backwards to make your birthdays special since your mum and dad didn't make any effort to do this.

If your birth family still don't make any effort for your birthday, why do you make an effort for theirs? I'd stop that.

But I'd certainly tell my h and my kids what I expected for my birthday. You deserve to be treated with respect and love 💐