I am in a relationship with somebody who has managed to systematically, over a period of time, leave me as a shell of my former self.
I am at the point where I do everything he wants, I pay for things for him, big things – thousands of pounds. I buy him big presents to make him happy, which he is disappointed in. I forgive unforgiveable things, like him texting other women, comparing me to other women. I have agreed to not disagree with him or criticise him, but he still seems to find me critical anyway. We’ve agreed that only he calls me, I don’t call him. He blows hot and cold, but on the cold days when I try to walk away he blows really hot and will not leave me alone, to the point of harassing me with texts and calls, which I obviously mistake for love.
It must seem like I follow him around like a puppy – but that’s what I have been conditioned to do. He would not and did not accept anything other than total admiration and control from the very beginning. And I met him when I was in a bad place so I suppose I felt like I did not have a lot of options. I feel like I am walking on eggshells much of the time, like I can't get out of bed to go to the loo in the night in case I disturb him, even if I really need it. Or that a meal out has to be perfect, I find myself trying to orchestrate things so the waiter's give him good service, and phoning ahead to the restaurant to make sure they have the food he wants.
I have agreed to a weird sexual dynamic where I pretend I enjoy porn that I don’t enjoy. It was much worse at the beginning sexually, as he wanted to do all sorts of things I did not want to do, but now it is better because the sex has become a lot more vanilla.
Is this me or is this him? Have I disrespected myself so much that he disrespects me? If he met someone who respected themselves would it be different?
A huge part of me wishes that I could just walk away and never see him again. We live in the same town and I feel like I would have to do something extreme like moving countries. I don’t think I could bare seeing him with another woman without having a breakdown or caving or begging for him back, or even being partially in each other’s lives or just bumping into each other on the street. If I could know I’d never see him again and he would not affect my life in anyway, then I’d walk away. I know this sounds extreme. He has never been physically abusive in any way – just deeply manipulative and destructive to my self esteem.
I know this is not a sustainable situation and I am in a thought process of how I leave it. I have a good job here and I don’t want to move. I thought I would ask the mumsnet community two things;
How do I get rid of the feeling that if I was better, thinner, cleverer, richer, nicer, then he wouldn’t treat me like this?
I have heard that people can get addicted to the brain chemicals of being treated like this. Where is there information on this so I can read up on this?