Stuck in my relationship.

[2021Hangover]

I’m in a controlling relationship. I’ve been working with a counsellor who’s helped me to see it. It took me a while to admit it but I can do now.

My problem is now I am struggling to see my husband as a bad person and I love him. He has changed some of the behaviours. I’m really torn between staying with him and leaving.

My counsellor said I am avoidant, and have attachment issues which I agree with. DH blames a lot of our issues on my poor mental health.

I want to leave because I think, despite him changing some things, too much water has gone under the bridge and I can’t stop thinking about some of them. I still live my life the way he would want me to do so as not to cause arguments.

On the other hand I’m scared of being more lonely if I left. I’m scared of no one ever loving me again, never having children, all the unknowns. Most of all I’m scared of regretting the decision - I do love him and he is good to me in a lot of ways. Day to day life is generally fine and I would miss him. We’re perfect for each other in so many ways.

This sounds really awful and I can’t even believe I’m going to say it. But I find myself thinking it would be easier if one of us would die because either way at least I’d be free.

I’m just stuck, and don’t know how to move forward, in either direction.

I was just posting to see if anyone had been in a similar situation? AnD how you handled things. If I can repair this.

“ DH blames a lot of our issues on my poor mental health.”
This one sentence says a lot to me. He shouldn’t be blaming —- he should be building if he wants to repair your relationship. Building respect, trust, security. Not blaming.
You could go on worrying about the what ifs in the future —- what if there’s a war, what if there’s drought, a Martian invasion…. Worrying about them will have zilch effect.
You seem to be reliant on your partner for identity. Why should you be lonely if you leave him? You can go anywhere, get any job, travel, make friends. You control your future, it’s not something that just happens. He has made you feel like this.
Think about how expansive your future can be without him controlling it.

Having children with this man would make things worse.

Yes I've been here OP. Here's how you repair it.

You work out why you're prepared to accept this awful relationship, why you don't think you deserve to be treated properly, without abuse.

Then you dump his ass.

Been there, got the t shirt. Remarried to a wonderful man and have a fabulous DC now for the last 10 years. If I hadn't left, I would had never met him and never know how wonderful my life would have been.

There has got to be a better life out there for you. Just be brave.

It’s so hard. My counsellor told me that choices, even if they’re the right ones, can feel hard and like a loss. And I think deep down what I do want is to leave. Because every time I tell myself I’ve decided not to, it’s almost like I have an internal panic and can’t let go of the idea of not being together. But yet, I don’t walk out of the door either.