Inappropriate mother

[SiempreDot]

I'm having a really difficult time with my mum and need some advice.

My child's father is and was abusive. We split up when he was a tiny baby and he wasn't involved in his life. He is controlling, he would have sex with me in my sleep and laugh about it. Since we split up, he's pursued me through the family courts with a new application every few months as a way of tormenting me. He sits in his car outside my house revving his engine. There's an ongoing police investigation.

Over the last year, he's been turning up to my mum's house and she's been engaging in chats with him. He keeps on phoning and messaging her and I've her not to engage as his motives are not benign and I find it incredibly triggering. She will pass on messages from him to me eg "Jamie says you're doing xyz" and wanting me to defend myself. I've impressed how he's doing this as a form of abuse which my domestic abuser agrees with. She keeps lying and saying she's blocking his number and he's calling her on new burner phones. Even if this is true, she refuses to just say "Sorry Jamie, I'm not talking to you, talk to Lucy" and put the phone down. She will have hour long conversations with him.

I'm finding this very difficult and triggering and can see exactly what he's doing. It's putting an incredibly strain on my relationship with my mum and I don't know what to do if she doesn't stop doing this. The only thing I feel like I can do is to go no-contact but that would hurt her so much.

Any advice

The only thing I feel like I can do is to go no-contact but that would hurt her so much.

You reap what you sow.

That's the phrase we used a lot when processing going no contact with my mother.

You could explain to her one more time. You could acknowledge that you know she doesn't understand that he is continuing his abuse through her and that she is, therefore, complicit. You can explain what the natural consequence of her behaviour will be. Set out an expectation for what she should do. And then it's her choice. A bit like you would with a child.

Maybe she feels.it would be 'rude' to tell her she is not talking to him. There are still, sadly, too many women who will recognise the man's 'authority' in a situation like this.

A very good friend of mine cut contact with her own mum for very similar reasons - she took the side of the abusive ex over her own daughter and felt her daughter had been the one to let the marriage fail and that strong women just take it because, yanno, men can't help it...

This must be so had for you. Does your mum know about the Police investigation?

I wonder if you might make her think again by suggesting that she's become so entwined with him that she's probably going to be part of the investigation, and will need to be happy to stand up in court when it comes to it.

Tell her that, by colluding with your abuser, she is taking part in your abuse.

Ask her if she is happy to be on friendly speaking terms with someone who has raped her daughter.

And warn her that, due to all of the above, if she insists on keeping up her relationship with him, then she will lose her relationship with you.

Your mother is enabling an abuser who is now stalking and intimidating you and who is currently being investigated by the police.

This is what you need to focus on to realise how damaging and inappropriate her behaviour is.

You tell her that while she is still in contact with him you will have no further contact with her. To me it is appalling that she would do something like this.

She is probably one of these women who think men can do no wrong and that the appearance of a 'happy' family must be maintained at all cost. For me someone who puts an abuser above their own child does not deserve any further interaction.

@GreyCarpet

The only thing I feel like I can do is to go no-contact but that would hurt her so much.

You reap what you sow.

That's the phrase we used a lot when processing going no contact with my mother.

You could explain to her one more time. You could acknowledge that you know she doesn't understand that he is continuing his abuse through her and that she is, therefore, complicit. You can explain what the natural consequence of her behaviour will be. Set out an expectation for what she should do. And then it's her choice. A bit like you would with a child.

Maybe she feels.it would be 'rude' to tell her she is not talking to him. There are still, sadly, too many women who will recognise the man's 'authority' in a situation like this.

A very good friend of mine cut contact with her own mum for very similar reasons - she took the side of the abusive ex over her own daughter and felt her daughter had been the one to let the marriage fail and that strong women just take it because, yanno, men can't help it...

This is brilliant advice.

Re your comment:-
"The only thing I feel like I can do is to go no-contact but that would hurt her so much".

She has not cared about hurting you by talking to your abuser and openly lying to you about doing so so she does not deserve such a consideration. You would not have tolerated this from a friend, your mother is no different.

Well she doesn’t give a shit about hurting you, so do it, go nc. I would if my mum did this. It’s outrageous.

She's violating your boundaries. Give her an ultimatum. She needs to work hard to regain your trust.

She is in contact with a man who raped you repeatedly.

Is she dim?

She is a disgrace.

You need to tell her that a decent woman and mother would no more entertain a man that repeatedly raped her daughter.

She is a disgrace and her behaviour is utterly shameful.

What way were you reared by her, to be accepting this behaviour from her?

You poor woman with an Ex like that and a mother no better.

Well done for getting away from him.

Now cut your mother off too until she fully takes responsibility for her awful behaviour.

She knows what she's doing is hurting you but is enjoying it too much. Cut her off and let her carry on dancing to his tune. She'll soon find herself out in the cold once he realises she's no longer in contact with you.

Does she have some kind of learning difficulties? Surely no rational adult would have anything to do with a man who had abused and raped her daughter. The only thing you can do is go no contact, after explaining why in no uncertain terms. As a pp said, you reap what you sow.

The only thing I feel like I can do is to go no-contact but that would hurt her so much.

She's not concerned about hurting you (and by proxy your child) though, is she?

She's utterly betraying you.

An incredibly high level.of disloyalty and inappropriate behaviour, she doesn't deserve a relationship with you and her grand child.

She has a choice. You or him.

If she can't tell him to fuck off then you go NC with her. There isnt any other choice.

I would definitely go no contact!
She has no respect for you in the slightest, I dare say ur ex is even putting on the charm to her and she is enjoying the attention from him, more fool her.
You just protect yourself and ur child and if that means nc for the time being then so be it, ur mum is not thinking of you at all. Btw do U realise him having sex with u in your sleep is rape? U have not consented to that.
Keep your child safe first and stop contact with both of them. He will soon dump ur mum when he knows she no longer can get to you. I would be keeping a diary of every single contact, what was said, dates times etc. go to the police and say you are doing this. This is the evidence you will be expected to have if police and courts get involved. Good luck.

This is terrible op, I'm so sorry. Other posters are right; you are not wanting to hurt your mum's feelings but she is allowing you ex to continue abusing you by using her to do so she is doing far worse than
just hurting your feelings, she is willingly letting him use her as a stick to beat you with!! It HAS to stop!!! I also agree with another poster who has said it is a betrayal. Her duty and loyalty is owed to YOU and her GC NOT this vile monster and I can't fathom how she can bear speaking to him at all! I' m sorry but you also have a duty to protect yourself for your child's sake from anyone who is abusing you, or any form of abuse, or anyone who colludes with abuse of you, even if that person is your own mother, and have to give her an ultimatum. Either she cuts all contact with him from now on, or she cannot have any further contact with you and your DC.
TBH I'm absolutely appalled your mum is doing this to you! I hope she sees sense and apologises and stops! I hope you have informed the police about it too as it surely is relevant!

narcissistabusesupport.com/red-flags/use-flying-monkeys/

His plan is to damage your relationship with your mother.