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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this just casual or does he want something more serious with me? Advice?

43 replies

freeinsight95 · 22/01/2022 06:34

Matched with a guy on bumble and we seem very much into each other. On his profile, it said 'don't know yet' about what he wants, mine said casual. Anyway, we message a lot, he takes a lot of interest in my family/friends, and just things about me/what I'm up to. He often says that we seem quite similar too; almost uncanny how similar we are. We had our first date last week and we both seemed nervous. He said I was the most attractive person there. Used the term 'first date' instead of just hanging out. Ended up sleeping together. Very affectionate and not remotely distant intimate wise, lots of kissing etc. Offered to make me breakfast the next day. Dropped me home. Said he wants to see me again and we could possibly see a movie/picnic. Immediately messaged me after he dropped me home. We then went on our second date last night and did mini golf and I slept back at his and we were our usual, very affectionate and complimentary to each other. This was the second time I briefly said hello to his parents. We've messaged almost every day since and he immediately messages me after our 'dates'. He often sends goodnight messages to me as well. Drops hints about us dating like 'I wouldn't want a guy to do that to a girl I'm dating'. He said he's free this Sunday again and possibly we can go to the beach. Hold each others hands while we drive. Speaks a tiny bit about his ex which ended 6 months ago and claims she's not near my league. Gives me forehead kisses in bed and head rubs. Last night something came up about casual sex and he almost indicated that I was surprised I slept with him on the first date and tiny bit asked if that is something I do often - in a diplomatic way. Something came up about my ex and he said he's glad I'm not with the guy anymore otherwise we wouldn't have met.

However, I noticed and I shouldn’t probably be looking that he followed his ex on Instagram, I think today? He sent me a message a week or so again claiming that he was angry as he found out she may have cheated and called her boring and bad in bed. They owned a house together. When I saw him the other day, he said he caught up with her and everything turned out ok in regards to the house I assume. No change in communication, still lots of texting and photos of what he's up to.

Advice? Is this just strictly casual?

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 22/01/2022 11:24

No I don’t think he wants anything serious. I think he is love bombing you and in 3 weeks it will all be over.
If he wanted it to be serious he would have said so, given all the other stuff he has no problem saying to you. P

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 22/01/2022 13:33

@LetHimHaveIt

You keep saying you like him, but I'm not sure what's to like. Telling you, someone he's met three times, that a woman he bought bricks and mortar with, is shit at sex? Charming. Asking about your sexual behaviour and implying you gave away the goodies too soon? Lovely.

I think he sounds like a dickhead, actually.

This.

Someone he's met only three times, shagged on all of them and has the audacity to employ double standards about it.

Charming indeed.

Original poster

freeinsight95 · 22/01/2022 14:46

I've had a few drinks so hopefully I'm pragmatic. He joked about teaching him lessions about something and I just joked that he needs to stop talking about his ex. He said he would and totally respects that and only just wanted to compare me to her, and how much better I am. Still not fully having it but thought I would update. Thank you everyone. I am going to be a bit hesitant, but I needed to get this off my chest; unsure whether it was the best thing but oh well. I don't want anyone screwing me around, especially, like some has mentioned - the audacity to imply I did something wrong about sleeping on the first date.

OP posts:

LittleWins · 22/01/2022 15:25

I find his regular comparing you to his ex, other people in the bar etc a red flag.

The ex chat does indicate he’s not over it.

LetHimHaveIt · 22/01/2022 15:30

Hmmmm. I wonder how much 'better' then the ex you'll be, if you now decide to call it a day. Because I've a suspicion you'll be, 'Super-Psycho-Ex-Woman' or 'Captain Bullet-Dodged', when he recounts you to his next one.

altmember · 22/01/2022 15:51

The only red flag is that he swiped right on you, after seeing that that YOU were seeking 'casual'. Would he have matched with you if you were looking for a relationship?

All his actions are suggesting that he is wanting more than the casual thing that you're after. If he was just after casual/ONS then he would have gone cold (or ghosted you) after the first night of sex. Fact he's still showing interest strongly suggests he's really keen on you and looking to pursue a proper relationship. If that's not what you want as well, then you should probably cool things right now before you hurt him.

I don't understand why people are saying it's offensive that he asked you if you have many previous casual encounters. You're the one who's profile says casual, and maybe it's the first time he's slept with someone on the first date. He's probably asking because he's confused as to whether you're serious about something with him, or if he's just another hookup to you.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 22/01/2022 16:03

Am I the only one kinda weirded out about having sex in his parent's house - on 1st and 2nd dates? And then to have to greet them?

Mermaidwaves · 22/01/2022 18:46

I don't get why people are saying its offensive that he asked if you have had many previous encounters

Of course that's offensive! OP said herself she didn't feel comfortable with that. It's none of his business how many encounters shes had first date or otherwise. Its mysonigistic and hes a hypocrite.

dopple · 22/01/2022 20:48

It's sounds like you both started out wanting something casual but both caught feelings, men don't normally put in the effort to go on dates if it's just the sex they want. Listen to what he tells you, if he keeps making plans with wanting you to be in it then it sounds like he may want a relationship, you could approach are we exclusively seeing each other rather than what are we for now and see how it goes?
Or maybe actually it's just a bit too early to tell, you hardly know him.

Original poster

freeinsight95 · 23/01/2022 09:39

Update: He immediately apologised and said he would not talk about her again again, that he doesn't want to keep in contact with her but he has to. He tried calling me as well. Said he won't talk about her again moving forward.

OP posts:

Original poster

freeinsight95 · 23/01/2022 09:40

@altmember thank you. I guess there is a chance that he may not have even noticed I had casual on my profile. Would you suggest, I just keep seeing him and let him bring this conversation up; if he does want to be exclusive?

OP posts:

Original poster

freeinsight95 · 23/01/2022 09:41

Noticed he unfollowed her on Instagram last night, after we had this talk.

OP posts:

Tullig · 23/01/2022 10:05

[quote freeinsight95]@altmember thank you. I guess there is a chance that he may not have even noticed I had casual on my profile. Would you suggest, I just keep seeing him and let him bring this conversation up; if he does want to be exclusive?[/quote]
Again, OP, you keep banging on about him — what do you want? Have you changed your mind about only wanting something casual? Why are you behaving as though only his feelings about the relationship’s extent are important here?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/01/2022 10:23

He said he would and totally respects that and only just wanted to compare me to her, and how much better I am.

Mate, he's a prick. Seriously.

He doesn't know you yet.

He's trashing someone he bought a home with to someone he has met a few times and already made feel shit for shagging him quickly... when he is 50% responsible for the aforementioned shag so judging you for it only 'makes sense' if he's a misogynist.

Boak. He's a prick.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/01/2022 10:26

@freeinsight95

Isn't this all just too much drama for someone you've met and shagged a couple of times? Having to have these big talks, unfollowing people on Instagram, calling with apologies etc etc.

Can you be arsed? It's worrying you seem to be enjoying the drama a bit. Don't mistake drama for anything close to healthy passion.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/01/2022 10:27

Again, OP, you keep banging on about him — what do you want? Have you changed your mind about only wanting something casual? Why are you behaving as though only his feelings about the relationship’s extent are important here?

This!!

sassbott · 23/01/2022 10:37

Yeah OP. This is a head wreck. Can you not see how messed up he is? Genuinely. How on earth can he compare you to an ex? And why aren’t you as appalled by that as most of us? It’s awful behaviour.

2orangey · 23/01/2022 10:59

He seems unpleasant. As well as everything PP have pointed out, describing his ex as boring in bed puts you in the position of constantly having to prove you are more exciting sexually. Manipulative sod!

Most people try not to mention exes to the people they are dating. He has already set you up in competition. Not healthy.

The fact he is so open about describing his ex-gf's (perceived) flaws after just a couple of dates would make me wonder how he was going to describe me to the next person. Someone who believes in 'leagues' will be quick to demote you if you step out of line.

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