How important is being able to apologise?

[BatShit2021]

In a fairly recent relationship, nothing major has happened between us, but have noticed that DP isn’t one to say sorry over minor stuff (for example, if he slightly offends me with something he says, he’d explain but wouldn’t apologise for the fact that he unintentionally offended me). In all other respects things are going amazingly well, but I’m on high alert because ex was not an apologiser, I always am quick to do so. Red flag or AIBU and should stop being a snowflake?

Being able to say a genuine “I’m sorry” is a very important characteristic to me. I’ve known people who have never, ever apologised for anything and the frustration it leads to is incredible.

Not sure if this is relevant in your case, but I also think it’s particularly important for children to hear their parents acknowledge when they’ve done something wrong and apologise, or it sets up a very one-sided relationship and is a bad example of how to deal with conflict in a relationship.

When people tell you who they are, listen.

I spent 22 years with a man who was like this. I never left him because there were never any major problems, we just plodded on but, I was never truly happy. I realised quite recently that he has some kind of pathological avoidance disorder.

My MIL literally never apologised, even if it's a tiny unimportant mistake she'll go to great lengths to explain why she did/said something.

When I first met DH he never used to apologise (presumably because of the example set when he was growing up) - it's important to me, and over the years I have successfully trained him to say sorry when he's in the wrong

So I think it's something you can work with if the relationship is otherwise good.

A refusal/inability to ever give a sorry where one is due, is an attitude that the respect you should reasonably expect in a healthy relationship is missing and the importance of their status as 'winner' or at least never submitting, is more important. I could not and would not be in a relationship with a grown up who couldn't take ownership of their mistakes, it points to a damaged/ sense of ego and an inability to be self reflective and learn. A person for whom the phrase, constructive criticism has no meaning and therefore you can't be in a genuine two way relationship as there will be no give and take.

It's very, very important. Don't overlook it at this early stage.

Doesn’t write in our wedding book
“ So you’re getting married? Learn to say sorry and it will be a long and happy one “, and I think they are right. A very important interpersonal skill in intimate relationship.

It's very important in any relationship. It can solve so many problems.

Thanks all. I agree with all your comments and will need to satisfy myself that this guy can own mistakes, be sorry and move on.

Have you discussed this with him, yet? I think you should.

Huge. Everyone messes up. Healthy and secure people are able to apologise in a heartbeat.
If an adult hasn’t learned this simple skill, I would swerve them. Because my concern would be what else sits behind that. And at my age I’m not seeking to be anyones fixer/ teacher.

@Saysama I haven’t discussed it but I will, it’s important so that I’m not constantly apologising and he never feels the need. In other respects he’s emotionally switched on so I am surprised by this one.

How do you feel about children who don't say sorry? Isn't this one of the earliest things we teach? Like please and thank you- what's should you say? A child says sorry. If an adult hasn't learned this. There's a problem.

Dealbreaker if he can’t say sorry.

Good luck!

It is important, as long as it's sincere and represents a genuine intention to change.

You need to be wary of abusers, who think profuse apologies make everything all right, so they're fine to do it all over again.

Really, really important. It says a huge amount about a person's character. My ex never said or says sorry.

I never knew how important it was to me til I was with my ex. He NEVER said sorry. Always thought he was right. Even when I apologized I thought he would catch on and start doing the same, never did. If anything me apologizing seemed to validate to him that he was alright right. I started to seriously resent him over time. It's one of the many reasons why he's an ex.

When you say he explained after upsetting you, do you mean he clarified something you misheard, say, or he gave an account as to why he was right and you had no need to be upset?

Either way, I think that being able to apologise in a timely, unshowy and genuine fashion is essential. To be able to take accountability for mistakes or misunderstandings caused by you, and try and put them right.

I can only speak for myself, but I have had to learn to apologise about things that aren't trivial, so if I said I would do something and forgot then I'd automatically apologise but anything more can be a challenge.

I grew up with a narcissistic parent who never apologised, and furthermore, demanded an explanation from me for any of my actions and no apology so it was reinforced. Also, doing something wrong at home was heavily and often brutally punished, so I learned to explain myself rather than apologise.

I also had a terrible relationship for too long where my then partner would hold on to anything I did wrong, so when I did apologise for something I had done wrong, it was repeatedly brought up later down the line.

For some people, apologising feels scary, almost dangerous, BUT in my case, I know this is MY problem and something I continue to work on.

It’s a massive red flag. And at the moment he’s on his best behaviour so…it doesn’t bode well for the future.

Don’t be fobbed off.

@Fatherliamdeliverance In that case it would be him clarifying what he’d said, that he didn’t mean it offensively or whatever. If the tables were turned, I’d know I needed to apologise though.

The ability to apologise is really important I agree.

I think it's also healthy to check yourself on how you apologise. I used to apologise too much. If you apologise too much (often instinctively, for stuff that happens and was noone's fault), it devalues your apologies and it can let others off the hook, as you've blamed yourself even if it was all or partly their fault.

But, when I'm in the wrong I'm very happy to apologise and I think it's an important part of good communication.

Be careful of expectations though. In the example you gave, you said that he clarified what he'd said and that he didn't mean it offensively. If that was genuine, then it maybe an apology wasn't required. It would really depend on what he said.

If you want honesty in a relationship, sometimes you might hear stuff you don't particularly like, but that doesn't mean it deserves an apology. The other person can end up walking on eggshells if the other person expects an apology every time they are a bit upset about something.

Be careful of expectations though. In the example you gave, you said that he clarified what he'd said and that he didn't mean it offensively.

It is perfectly healthy to expect an apology if someone does / says something offensive. Period. The intent is irrelevant, what’s relevant is that the person listening has been offended.
I don’t ever plan to say things that offend anyone. If however I inadvertently do and someone calls me on it, I apologise immediately and am pretty mortified.

That’s normal and healthy. Arguing why you didn’t mean to be offensive and therefore not say sorry is not.

If you want honesty in a relationship, sometimes you might hear stuff you don't particularly like, but that doesn't mean it deserves an apology. The other person can end up walking on eggshells if the other person expects an apology every time they are a bit upset about something.

I was going to say something similar.

If he unintentionally offended you it's tricky. If what he said was something he should have known would offended you then he shouldn't have said it. If you were offended by it, how likely is it other people would he offended by it too?

I'm sorry if I offended you is generally regarded as a non apology anyway.

I think the ability to apologise authentically is an important quality but I wouldn't expect an apology for every little thing if an explanation had been given because it doesn't warrant one. People who apologise all the time can be tiresome as are people who expect an apology for every little perceived transgression.

I struggle now to apologise as my xh was always offended by something I'd done be or said and I felt like I spent my life apologising.