Think I've finally reached the end.. POV please

[Finallyhadenough2022]

Extremely long post, sorry for typo's or babble.

I'm 89% sure I've finally reached the end of the line with my marriage and I dont think there's any going back, husband would disagree. Together 12 years married 5. 2 children one 3 one 9 weeks. I've had alot of shit in my life not going to say too much as it could be outing but sexual abuse, loss of a parent, been a carer for parent, miscarriages, both children life threateningly poorly. Just times when I should of felt loved and supported with but I haven't. We have nothing in common weve become one of those couples that go to a restaurant and sit silently or talk about the weather or the kids. Weve had multiple issues mainly communication where I've said I'm not happy numerous times, I've been told things will change and apologised to 90000 times and nothing ever does change. I also don't get shown love at all, the only touch i recieve is if he wants something sexual which he never gets because for me i have to feel loved and emotionally connected or hes getting f all. He has worked away quite alot too to support our family which I am grateful for but when away I only ask for a few messages a day, however I'm ignored most of the time but yet told I am a priority. The thing that's finally pushed me over the edge is I've been in hospital with my baby who we nearly lost. Obv after nearly loosing one child this was very traumatic (as it would be anyway never mind having gone through it before) added to that i was completely on my own due to covid it was terrifying. When I got home baby didnt even get attention and I didnt even get as much as a cuddle and asked if I was ok. I've been more serious lately and told him one of us needed to leave as I wanted space but nothing ended up happening it was just brushed away and then its like he forgets everything I've ever said and thinks well be magically happy. I do feel resentful towards him for everything that's gone on so don't know if its too late for me. I also do the nights on my own so I'm absolutely exhausted and keep both children, the house and everything running all day every day also with no help so I feel like a single parent anyway and tbh most times its easier alone, just feel like i have another child to look after or someone sat down whilst I do all the work and it infuriates me. The biggest thing stopping me is I'm on maternity leave and even if I wasn't my wage is so tiny I wouldn't be able to support myself never mind my 2 children or afford anywhere to live, I have no intention of taking assets or money that isn't mine, even if I was left the house I couldn't afford the mortgage and bills. But I'm not wasting my life been this miserable.

Do I try work this out, give it abit longer or is it time to go? And if so how?!

How did you arrive at such a precise figure of 89%?.

Why on earth would you want to stay any longer than you already have and or try any more to work this out?. For the kids, hell no. They won’t thank you for staying with him for their supposed sake. He’s not interested and pays lip service to you as their mother. You need to drop the rope he holds out to you.

There is nothing to rescue and or save here and this marriage is dead in the water. Do not procrastinate any longer and seek legal advice re the process of divorce and what you would receive from a settlement. Divorce is not failure, living in such unhappiness is.

Seek proper legal advice for yourself rather than put up self imposed financial obstacles.

Do not martyr yourself and in turn your kids by stating you would not take any money or assets that are not yours. It’s all jointly owned in marriage and you should get a fair financial settlement. It may be that you would keep the marital home as well, after all your children need somewhere to live.

Have things always been like this op or is it the strain you're both under? If uts always been this way then I'd leave. If there's so much pressure atm and you think yous can work through it then take and try?

The problem is that you HAVE tried, and his actions are telling you, showing you, how your life will be with him. Words are easy, people can say anything but it’s their actions that are real. You’ve told him how you feel and what you need, and he is ignoring you. So now you have to gather information. Speak to a reputable lawyer and find out what you should do and what you and the children are entitled to. You don’t have to do anything with this knowledge right away, but it will give you some confidence and make you less powerless. Try also to look after yourself in all this maelstrom of resentment, new baby, your physical recovery and dealing with a 3yr old as well. 💐

I have no intention of taking assets or money that isn't mine

Please start from the assumption that 50% of the assets are already yours.
Because that is financial & legal fact.

Find a good divorce lawyer & talk to them on the quiet. Get a picture of what your financial situation might look like should you divorce, sell the house, etc. When DH is working away, check all the financial documents, payslips, pension plans etc. get copies, make sure you know as much as possible & have identified eg savings accounts.

I'm sorry this sounds so cold & venal! - but this is your children's future you are securing. So start getting your head round the practical side of it - no need to announce it or even make any formal plans until you have more information. You will feel much more confident when you have expert legal support & know what your rights are, & what the financials will look like for you & the DC.

Wow was really expecting some arguments for both sides here but this makes me see what my gut has been telling me really. Just crying reading the replies. Just feel like ive suffered enough sadness in life and this is just adding to it and I've given a million chances. I'm still very young 30 next year and I know I'm a bloody good mum just have no idea how id manage to live or have time to work tbh?! So how on earth would I support myself and my children.
Think things have always been this way tbh the day before we got engaged i was ready to get out but for some idiotic reason I said yes even before we got married I remember thinking should you really do this. I suppose I'm now just petrified of judgement and of the unknown. Just kept thinking maybe things would get better or something would happen. Hoped if we booked things to look forward to or do as a family I'd enjoy us together more. I just want this to work but I always end up feeling like I take the load and just feel pissed off.

People will be extremely shocked as I've hidden it so well and pretend to be happy. My deceased parent would be telling me life is far too short and run for the hills and be happy. Thankyou for the replies so far x

Why would you stay in the marriage any longer? You've tried that, nothing changes.
Your life shouldn't be sacrificed at the alter of a shit relationship.

Split, work out how to co-parent together.
Get yourself some legal advice though, you will need to make sure you get a good/fair split on the marital assets.

I don't think it sounds unsalvageable.

I think you've both been under a lot of pressure in the past few years. A good therapist could help you learn to communicate with each other and how to express your needs to each other.

Op, if you have been together since you were 18 then it's likely you have grown in different ways and are now very different people.

It is very scary to separate but it's usually possible, even when financially it doesn't feel right.

When you ask for support how does he respond? Do you think he can't support you or doesn't want to? What are his family relationships like? Is he warm and caring to the children?

My deceased parent would be telling me life is far too short and run for the hills and be happy.

I'm sorry you don't have them in your life now, they would have helped you see that you don't deserve judgement, & will manage the unknown step by step.

I'm sure they'd also have urged you to protect yourself legally & financially as you begin the sad process of separation.

See my lawyer lecture above! - but also, get in touch with Women's Aid, who will boost you with sensible advice, emotional support, & a feeling that you are not alone - you will be one of the thousands of women they help every year, who are all tackling some of the same obstacles are you are navigating.

Citizen's Advice Bureau is another good resource. They will be able to help you get a clear picture of what help & benefits you can apply for, so that you can establish what the finances might look like for you when you are parenting solo. Knowledge is power! & it this will give you confidence & solid facts to base big decisions on.

Take your time, & take care of yourself.
You don't owe anyone endless sacrifice at the expense of your own wellbeing.

Can you look up Benefits Calculator? If you became single there is child benefit, child maintenance, Universal Credit, Council Tax benefit and other benefits too.
Look at the costs of 2 bed flats or houses near your work. Universal Credit helps with rent.
Look up child minders or nurseries.
Sorry you are going through such an awful time. Sending a virtual hand hold xx

It sounds like you are quite different people and have always been.
He is reserved and doesn’t communicate well, or at all.
And you seem to be somewhat needy and want someone who will take care of you.
So - you don’t work as a team, especially with the amount of stress your family had undergone. You don’t understand or support each other. You seal with stress in very different ways - he further shuts down, you need him to make it better. But you don’t acknowledge each other’s feelings.
You assume he has no feelings and get upset he doesn’t support you.

This won’t change on its own. Marriage counselling is the only way to try to fix this. But it’ll take time and effort and both of you will need to change how you are in a relationship.

With a baby this young and recently unwell - I’d sit tight and focus on the kids for now. You need a bit of stability and calm to get through the hardest early days/months. You said he travels a lot - and you are doing it all yourself anyway.
So - adding the upheaval of divorce, getting benefits, financial struggling, moving to a small new place - is not going to help you right now. It will only make everything worse and so much harder.
Wait for the baby and you to get stronger - and then start planning what you want your life to be.

You are feeling down and unhappy. And that is understandable given all that is going on. You are also making yourself more unhappy because you keep expecting and not getting emotional support from him. If you want to eventually separate - you will need to learn to count just on yourself. So start now. Try to build internal emotional resilience.
Once you divorce - it will be just you and your kids. Try to get used to is now.

Separate and distance yourself mentally before you do this in real life. Don’t expect hugs or him asking you how you are. Don’t expect messages when he travels. This will prepare you for the time when you are actually on your own.

And while you are doing this - do think and plan the financial side of separation. See what you are entitled to - and what you can eventually do when you get back to work.
It won’t be easy. But it is possible.

OP, all I will say is don’t feel guilty financially- get what you are entitled to— in a year you won’t give a shit. I was far too generous in my first marriage because I felt bad initiating a separation— basically I took very little all— 3 months later he had a new woman living there , still had the house, still had the car , still had cash , whilst I struggled. And he still thought ‘bad’ of me for daring to leave him .