Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

My depressed girlfriend said she needs space

19 replies

Manny95 · 21/01/2022 15:36

So just a little back story, my girlfriend has suffered from depression for most of her life and in December in started getting particularly bad. We are a very strong couple who communicate well, respect each other and our boundaries, we are patient with one another and we love each other very much.

3 weeks ago she had a crisis, and was sectioned, she is someone who craves time to herself and wants space when she’s feeling low and I always respect that. She was distant with me the first few days of her sectioning which is understanding, must have been very overwhelming for her. I’d just check in each day to see how she was doing so she was reminded that I was still there and I cared, other than that one text a day, I let her be and let her come to me when she was ready. 4 days after her sectioning and her being distant, she called me as she said she felt ready to and finally explain things, we had a nice chat and both said it was so good to hear our voices. The distance stopped, I had an interview the next day for a new job promotion and when I told her I’d got it, my god was she over the moon! So happy for me. Two days later she calls me again as she had a spare 10 minutes in her day of all the treatment and therapy etc, saying how much she loved and missed me. Now… we text a bit after the call and she started worrying about her dad finding out and how he wouldn’t cope and he’d have a breakdown.. last text that night she said ‘everything’s a mess, how have I ended up here’ all communication had gone that night after that, no activity on social media.. next morning she tells me was in hospital after trying to kill herself. I said to her ‘It’s okay to feel like that, you’re not well and it’s not your fault. I’m just happy you’re still here’ she said ‘I’m sorry, thank you. I love you’

A week later (3 days ago) she was discharged from the hospital and sent back home. (Tbh I couldn’t believe they thought she was ready to leave) on the night she got home she said ‘I’m just struggling atm to handle everyone in my life, I’m craving some time and space to myself. Im sorry’ I responded with that it’s okay, I understand and I’ll be here when she wants me.

The next day she got referred to a residential home for mental health for a week. Where she will undergo daily therapy sessions, treatment teams will come and see her. She has been so so distant with me since then.

Do you think I need to worry about anything? In terms of the relationship? Or do you think she genuinely just wants some space from everything whilst she’s in there as she’s probably overwhelmed with the therapy and sessions?

I said to her last night, that I’m going to keep giving her space, I’ll go back to dropping in a daily ‘How are you doing today? Thinking of you’ or along those lines but said other than I’d leave her till she was ready to come to me again and that I’m so proud of her.

OP posts:

TheAverageUser · 21/01/2022 15:40

I think you sound lovely but make sure you're considering yourself in all of this and how the relationship is working for you too.

I can't speak to the mental health issues as I don't have any experience but I hope she does ok.

PurpleDaisies · 21/01/2022 15:41

How did she respond to you saying you would send her a daily text after she said she wanted space? I’m not sure I would be thrilled with that to be honest.

She’s clearly going through some tough times and her mental health needs to be the priority. Not your relationship, sadly.

Tibtab · 21/01/2022 15:59

Sorry OP but if I asked for space I would dread getting a daily text.

LittleWins · 21/01/2022 16:13

@Tibtab

Sorry OP but if I asked for space I would dread getting a daily text.

Agreed.

Good luck to her

emsmar · 21/01/2022 16:14

@Tibtab

Sorry OP but if I asked for space I would dread getting a daily text.

Yeah. Don't send the texts.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/01/2022 16:29

Yeah definitely don't text her. Or maybe once, but just say "just to let you know I'm thinking of you, I'll wait for you to contact me when you're ready xxx"

It may be that her MH at the moment is simply too fragile for her to cope with a relationship. No matter how much you care, you cannot "love her better".

If she is sufficiently poorly to have been sectioned - and the threshold is very high - then the added stress of a romantic relationship is probably not going to help.

GrapefruitPink · 21/01/2022 16:34

I don't think you have to worry in terms of your relationship as you can clearly see how much you love each other, it sounds like she genuinely just needs space and to be on her own to figure this out for herself and to not have to worry about anyone else.
I wouldn't text everyday, every few days or once a week will be fine.
You sound a lovely partner, I hope she gets better and things get back on track for you both.

TheFoundation · 21/01/2022 16:59

You wouldn't be posting of all this wasn't making you feel insecure. Her mental health issues are pushing your feelings to one side.

This isn't just about whether she wants to stay in the relationship. What about you? If you're 100% certain you want to stay with her, then simply do as she asks and leave her alone for a bit.

If not, your post is hinting at the truth rather than facing it; you're feeling insecure and you need reassurance. A forum can't tell you that your partner wants to stay in your relationship, though, and your feelings need to be open in the relationship.

Slingingcontest · 21/01/2022 17:08

Op You sound lovely! I just want to reassure you that you are doing the right thing by backing off. She is telling you what she needs, so it's good you are listening.

On the other hand, this is likely to be a long road, so if you would rather not be in a relationship under these conditions (obviously no one does, but you know what I mean!) then you have agency and can make your own decisions too

PurpleDaisies · 21/01/2022 17:14

I don't think you have to worry in terms of your relationship as you can clearly see how much you love each other

I don’t think you can say that. We’ve only got one side of the picture here.

I agree the op sounds really nice but the girlfriend just might not be in the right place for a relationship. I think the comments about the op thinking about what they want and not feeling g they absolutely have to stay in this relationship are spot on.

GentlemanJayFab · 21/01/2022 17:41

I was seeing someone who said "I need time to concentrate on myself". I took that as leave me alone. So I did. About a month later she contacted me again.

Original poster

Manny95 · 21/01/2022 17:43

Maybe you’re all right about a daily check up text not being a good idea. I’m going to leave her alone, maybe drop her a text on Monday/Tuesday, seeing how she’s doing and that she knows I’m still here.

I do 100% want to be in this relationship with her, I’ll support her in any way she needs through all of this, no matter how long it takes. I’ll be with her in her good days and her bad days. I love her

We were planning to move cities together in March before this all happened, with my new job and the city is a lot closer drive to her job as well.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 21/01/2022 17:46

I’m going to leave her alone, maybe drop her a text on Monday/Tuesday, seeing how she’s doing and that she knows I’m still here.

Again, that doesn’t sound like giving her space. She knows you’re there. You don’t need to remind her. She has told you to back off. You really ought to respect that.

Let her take the lead with communication.

Sunnydaysofspring · 21/01/2022 17:56

You seem so so lovely and caring. My boyfriends depressed and over Christmas he was very harsh and angry with words. He tried to push me away and then reached out 24 hours later. He was teary when I went to see him. He said he was so ashamed of his words and that he never means to use them.

Its a huge learning curve. Especially because you have needs and feelings too. You matter too and that's the hardest part. Or at least I find that bit really hard. You feel selfish for wanting answers and to understand. But you understand they need space and time. Which leaves you feeling down and low yourself.

She likely will settle and come back to you when she's feeling herself. There have been times My boyfriends not even wanted me around him. He was aware of himself doing this last September so he gave me his dog for the 2 days he needed to be alone. I think that was his way of knowing we were still connecting but he could try and settle for a while. He gets scared to loose me.

I know it's hard but try and think of yourself a tiny bit. Go for walks or listen to music. Talk to a friend. The waiting game is rough and hard. You sometimes need the patience of a Saint with this stuff and you can easily get exhausted and emotionally tired.

Sending you lots of support and ibreally wish your girlfriend well soon. She is going through allt right now and I hope it's soon under control xx

Unreasonabubble · 21/01/2022 18:11

I would 100% not contact your girlfriend. Wait until she is ready. If you DO send a text, do not be surprised if that tips her over the edge and she never speaks to you again. She does not want nor has the energy to talk to you right now. It's not that she does not love you or ever want to see you again, it is because all her energy is being used to quieten her mind and when that is done, she can move forward.

Take it from me, just leave her alone. When SHE is ready, she will contact you. She knows you are there.

Isitsixoclockalready · 21/01/2022 18:34

@PurpleDaisies

I don't think you have to worry in terms of your relationship as you can clearly see how much you love each other

I don’t think you can say that. We’ve only got one side of the picture here.

We only ever get one side of the picture on Mumsnet in fairness

Eleganz · 21/01/2022 18:42

I agree with leaving her alone at the moment. Do what she asks.

However, I also agree with making sure you are thinking about and looking after yourself in this relationshIp. If it starts to feel like she is messing you around then it is probably because she isn't in the right space for a relationship and you might need to move on. Don't just put your life on hold forever, you aren't married and I presume don't have children together.

EarthSight · 21/01/2022 21:29

You sound extremely devoted. What I would urge you to think about is your longterm future together. Do you think you can keep this up for the next few decades? What about children? Depression runs in some families - do you think you could cope with a mother who's ill like this and possible a child or two who are also ill in the same way from time to time? Not saying that's a given, especially when they're small, but you could have one or two adult children that are going to suffer from the same affliction as well. Having a fairly steady temperament is important to having children. It's important when it comes to co-parenting, otherwise you might end up doing a lot more than you though you would need to. It's also important for her - parenting makes a lot of average people really stressed. How would she cope with that?

I really don't think she is in the right place to know what she wants. Given her state of mind, I'm not sure how you could even doubt or judge your relationship via normal parameters. However, if she wants space or wants to break up for whatever reason, you need to respect that. I can understand that the thought of that would be very painful but you'll need to accept her decision.

layladomino · 22/01/2022 09:02

You sound very much in love, and you clearly want to do the right thing, and have been extremely supportive and understanding.

Your gf MH crisis is very likely not in any way related to relationship (from the description you've given I mean) and would have happened anyway. If that is the case, it isn't a reflection of how she feels about you.

All that said, I would implore you to think of yourself as well in this. Supporting someone through MH crisis is very demanding and draining. It can affect the MH of the person doing the supporting. It can bring them to the point where they are (or feel like) a carer rather than a partner / lover. When the supportive partner needs help themselves (because they are mentally drained or they have their own life problems) they often find it isn't reciprocated. It can be a very one way street, and you have to be very resilient to survive it.

That's not to say you can't survive it. But you will also need support. Don't ignore other aspects of your life - friendships, hobbies, self-care - as they will help you stay strong for your own sake and your gf's.

Flip