Help me to just enjoy this!!

[LuckyLinda3]

Hi all. In an exclusive relationship now for almost a year. We see each other twice a week and are each well liked by respective families and friends. He has been so patient with me as im only just over 2yrs separated after a long marriage. He is respectful, kind and considerate and we have great chemistry. He seems genuinely invested and is always taking about future plans.

Despite having made fantastic progress I'm still inclined to be anxious and tend to over think and over analyse, despite having no reason to do so. Now that we have settled into a communication and pattern of seeing each other how do I keep enjoying the fun we have and be more in the moment enjoying this for what it is?

I was in a similar situation & my only advice is that it takes time, trust & communication
18 months in & I still have 'pinch me moments' of "is this real" "feelings like this happen to other people" "am I missing something & is this going to last"
When I wobble, I remind myself that Life is a marathon that I've trained for: I'm self reliant, secure & have amazing family & friends, so I'm incredibly lucky, my DP, who I adore, is just a massive & unexpected bonus in all that. Should the worst happen, I'd be devastated but I'd be ok
We have regular date nights to break up the norm' & talk through the 'rough stuff'
Not sure if that helps, but just take each day as it comes & look after yourself

I struggle in a similar way. I think you've already made a great start to changing. You're aware that you've no reason to be anxious so each time tell yourself, no, that's not the true situation. This has helped me and it takes practise to change old habits into different positive ones. I also make sure that I continue to do my own thing and have other interests, see my own friends etc to help keep my relationship in perspective. When we spend time together, I make the effort to really be present and tune into how I feel with this person and be in the moment because that's all we really have.

Thanks so much @mug2018 and @Crumbs22. I'm so glad my post made sense and that I'm not alone in feeling this way. I'll just take it day by day as you say and try to be present. I guess I just didnt think this would happen to me but should enjoy the fact it has.

OP I am exactly the same. 18 months in, 2.5 years since separation after long marriage/relationship.
I was very very badly hurt (emotionally) by my marriage and the subsequent divorce and for me it is a protection thing as I never want to ever feel like that again. So I spend all my time trying to find fault with us, in order to avoid pain again.
It is hard but I think it's also normal after divorce to trust again. I'm having counselling and currently working on learning to trust my feelings again as she says after what I went through I no longer know what to feel.

My boyfriends like this I don't think he quire emotionally got over his ex. It's so hard to explain. I've had to remain patient and let him move very slow. I don't always know what that slow is. He did alot of push and pull. Followed by I do want this relationship. It'd like we are together but I don't think he's giving me his all yet at all. He makes plans. He's consistent and loves being around me. He sees a future. But he still hasn't put anything on Facebook to hint he's in a new relationship after his ex. He tells people 1 on 1 buy there's something still holding him back.

We've had some talks and get confessed he was so scared of being with someone else. I guess the past can leave massive emotional scars.

Can I ask how your relationships are now with your exes? My boyfriends kept in touch with his and they are like brother and sister now he says. But the friendship seems quite false and I think they need to cut of completely eventually. All they do now is text and catch up. I don't think he tells me now when she's messaged as I get quite fed up of it.

For me, the first relationship after my divorce was definitely the trickiest to navigate in this sense. The pain of the separation was still fairly raw, in retrospect, and my brain was wired to expect things to end in catastrophe since that's what I'd been wading through for so long.

There is also that hyper-alertness to things that could go wrong, which results in an uneasy oscillation between not wanting to imagine the worst and not wanting to overlook potentially harmful patterns.

I don't think there's much you can do about it, really, except wait for a bit more water under the bridge... you find a level eventually, once you've gained confidence in your own judgement and made a whole stack of new/different mistakes!

@Struggling1702 yes I do think part of it it trying to avoid more hurt

@Sunnydaysofspring yes I can absolutely relate to your comment about push and pull, that was me in the early days. My partner is 8 yrs separated and has no real relationship with his ex, I get on quite well with my ex and my partner has been both accepting and respectful of this.

@Alcemeg yes I'm sure you are right, I will make many more mistakes! We have promised to keep communicating and have been able to discuss any wee niggles well so far. I think I just dont want to lose him but am scared too!