Relationships are funny complicated things aren’t they!

[Mymindisblown]

What are we actually seeking in them?

We go into them with unloved parts of ourself, traumas, agendas, needs and wants.

We are literally searching for someone to complete those incomplete parts it seems.

Then life changes and people change and there needs change so they stick it out in unhappy relationships.

Complicated.

If you meet the right person it's not complicated. If you try to keep a relationship going when it's not working then yes, that's complicated.

In my marriage I was seeking a family and all the enjoyment that brings. Which I got - a couple of children it has been really pleasant to spend time with - I feel very fortunate. Well worth having to put up with my ex's issues.

In my current relationship I was looking for someone to go out with and have fun, and I've had a load of fun with him, and discovered he's also a really lovely person, so an added bonus :) But if we grow apart, there's nothing to stop us breaking up, and I've done it once in much more complicated circumstances, so I wouldn't hang around if unhappy.

I don't think I've ever expected a partner to act as a sticking plaster. Not that I don't have my own issues, too. I'm just quite wary of being too reliant on others.

But yes, very complicated.

Is totally agree with @pinkyredrose I thought there was nothing so complicated in the world as my last romantic relationship but it turns out we just weren't right for each other. Now married 12 years and never feel lost or confused. I will say though that our neuroses fit together nicely and that is part of it.

I guess if you had a pretty uncomplicated childhood and not too many issues to bring into adulthood it helps. I did not and for a long time made terrible relationship issues trying to fix issues I didn’t know I had.

Or it depends on exactly how your childhood was complicated, maybe? What issues you have, how you react to them, how it fits with your partner. And it changes over time, as you mature. I think I've got a bit better at relationships now I'm over 50 :) though not an expert still!

So are you sticking it out?

I had a very complicated childhood (have been NC with my entire family for nearly a decade) but my relationship with my husband isn't complicated. I'm not looking for him to fix my broken parts or anything, I don't think I have any! Nor am I looking for him to complete me or make up for the areas where I am lacking either. I was just looking for someone nice to have a nice time and a family with.

The fact that you see relationships that way says quite a lot about you OP and not much about anyone's actual relationship.

Yep and going by mumsnet there lots of people who have complicated relationships also as there are those who don’t.

I left my complicated relationship and did a whole load of work on myself. Unfortunately you can only fix something you become aware needs fixing through experience, some of those experiences are shit and awful.

I’m glad there are those people who don’t expect others to fix them, I aspire my daughter to be one of those.

I think relationships are as complicated as the inside of the heads of the people in the relationship.

It's become a bit of a lame Instagram meme, and I think a lot of people misinterpret what it actually means, but being loveable and having a good relationship with somebody is hugely about loving yourself and having a good relationship with yourself first. So often, when people speak of what they want from a relationship, it's of somebody to "complete them", or to show them what it feels like to be loved, to look after them. Personally, I don't think that those are positive things and I wouldn't find somebody focusing on them immediately loveable. I'm not interested in completing somebody else - I want to complement them. I'm not interested in building somebody else up; I want to build something with them. I don't want a partner to be the project I have to work on - I want something mutually exploratory and supportive. To be loved, you also need to be a good partner yourself: turn the question around: what do you have to bring to a partnership? How can you love somebody else, freely and openly?

I think there are characteristics which make people better at relationships - being a good communicator; being able to express your needs and desires clearly; being consistent; knowing and being who you are; having the contents of your head sorted; knowing why your last relationships ended and being aware of the part you played in that (very very rarely is it completely one-sided, and I'm always wary of anybody who talks about a long history of being the totally blameless partner of a series of crazy or abusive exes); giving more than you receive (though not in a doormat-ish, putting everyone's needs ahead of your own way - but being emotionally open, being quick to praise and celebrate others, holding a hand out to welcome somebody to join you.

@ComtesseDeSpair you have out it so perfectly and made me smile ! True Words

Learning that relationships aren’t meant to be complicated has been a very complicated journey for me and re-parenting hard hard work.

I think there’s a lot of poor socialisation around sex and relationships which leads some people to think that “complicated” is a positive feature of a relationship: this idea that relationships are hard work; that if you really love each other you fight for each other - with the implication that drama and tumultuous patterns of behaviour and activity are “passionate” and show you really love and need each other; the idea that a partner who is jealous or possessive and tries to keep you to themselves is doing so because they love you so much and can’t bear the idea of losing you and so this is a positive thing.

We need to counter that socialisation and instead teach young people that drama does not equal passion, that jealousy is not a positive emotion, that there’s a difference between putting work into maintaining something and always having to work hard fix a massive problem.

Even if you know it in theory, that's different to really believing and expecting it in practice, isn't it?
Sounds like you've done some good work, OP. Where do you see your journey going next?

My journey @ravenmum is to do all I can to re-parent myself. Unlike others (although I suspect there are more then realise) I was deeply affected by my childhood. I then went into a 12 year abusive marriage. It wasn’t until I had my daughter that I got out, I had a deep need to keep her safe.

I had another thread about it but content will be restarting with her dad after a couple of years without any. I have to be the best person I can be for her. I owe it after giving her the worst father I could.

People have different learning paths. As I mentioned, my childhood left me wary of relying on others. In fact, I find it hard to ask a partner for anything at all. The plus side, I guess: I don't rely on a partner to make up for my deficits. The minus side: if you don't ask, you often don't get. Some people prefer an undemanding partner and take advantage of it.

They are certainly quite challenging