Think its time to leave

[Patienceandgrace]

I think I finally have to leave and just want some advice before I do.

We've been together for 15 years, have two kids and a house that were currently renovating.

I can afford the bills on my own but he wouldnt leave easily. Hes doing a lot of the renovation works so feels like hes more entitled to the house than me. (Although I do what renovation work I can while looking after DC).

If I leave, I'd have to go back to renting as wouldnt have a deposit for another mortgage.

He works away Monday to Friday so I have full responsibilty for DC those days anyway (as well as juggling my full time job). I also do nearly everything for DC when hes home. If hes not using the house renovations as an excuse its something else.

Last week he brought Covid home from work so spent 3 days sleeping/playing xbox and getting loads of sympathy. I tried to look after him (and DC who then had to isolate) while WFH in a stressful job. (My employer knew this and didnt have an issue with me looking after DC while working).

Wednesday this week I came down with covid. I felt crap yesterday but deep cleaned our bedroom and 2 bathrooms. I also did a tidy up downstairs around midday.

He came in around 5pm after working on the house. I was on a phone call which seemed to instantly annoy him. I went outside to finish the phone call and he started getting really stroppy and shouting me to come back inside. I was still on the phone while he was shouting and think thats really rude and disrespectful.

It turned out that when he got in, he was mad cos 2yos toys were out on the floor. Ok I admit, there were a lot of toys but the place was tidy and floors cleaned at midday, I have covid while looking after 2yo and of course he will get out toys to try and occupy himself. He said I had done 'fuck all all day'.

The christmas tree has been packed in our dining room for 2 weeks. I havent lifted it away as I had a kidney infection last week and covid this week. Hes angry about this as well although he hasnt thought to put it away once himself.

He was angry, banged stuff and asked what my excuse was. The final straw was when he said 'are you going to blame your mental health tablets?'. I had PND after having 2yo and never fully recovered. I felt really depressed again towards the end of 2021 and had to go back on antidepressants.

This morning, he was mad because I didnt bring him coffee in bed.

I dont think I can carry on any more after his behaviour yesterday but dont know how to leave. I'd appreciate any advice anyone can offer.

Are you married to this man?.

What is the situation re the finances and property?. Are you named on the mortgage?.

I would urge you to get in touch with Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations as soon as possible (the latter can give some legal advice). You need to plan your exit with due care and attention, your safety is of paramount importance.

He would not leave easily anyway because he is abusive and actively enjoys seeing your discomfort and distress. All he cares for is his own self and not his children either. If he did really care he would not be treating you like he is which is akin to a slave. Who died and made him king; he can make his own coffee!. What he said also about your tablets was also disgusting; his abusive behaviour has also caused you to be on anti depressants. I would also look to seek both occupation and non molestation orders going forward. Start opening up to trusted people like the organisations I've suggested and your GP about life within your home, abuse also thrives on secrecy so it is time to bust this wide open.

Thanks Attila
That was hard to read but makes sense. I guess I feel slightly worthless so thought I might be overreacting and in the wrong here.

We're not married and its a joint mortgage. I'm not financially dependent on him and could pay the mortgage, childcare and all expenses on my own if I could get him to leave.

Do you jointly own the home? / is your name on the mortgage ?

Aside from the house he sounds just unbearable and is most definitely abusive. The comment about your metal health and his attitude towards it so textbook abuser material. As is the entitlement , the lack of support, the aggression and undermining.

You are invisible to him until he fancies a bit of psychological target practice. He is a disgrace.

If you call WA they can signpost you to specialist local services.

You most definitely should leave this man. You will need support and planning to do it but it will all be worth it

And you are not worthless

You need to see a solicitor.
Find out your position on getting him out. It’s great that you’re so independent.

If he gets angry and you’re scared, call the police.
You do not have to put up with it.

Your abuser is the worthless one here, not you.

The way to get him out is to employ legal means and use the likes of the services I've suggested. He is not going to go quietly anyway and will in all likelihood refuse to leave. This is because he likes having the power and control over you from abusing you and also having you around to do the housework for him.

You are not overreacting in the slightest here; this is no atmosphere to be raising your DC in. Your children will pick up on the fact that you are being abused by their dad and they are indeed aware of this.

Going forward I would also suggest you look at the Freedom Programme as this is for those who have been in abusive relationships. Men like this can take an awful long time, years even, to recover from, and your boundaries are likely to be skewed because of his abuse of you and in turn your DC. He does not give a fig about them either.

@Patienceandgrace

Thanks Attila That was hard to read but makes sense. I guess I feel slightly worthless so thought I might be overreacting and in the wrong here.

We're not married and its a joint mortgage. I'm not financially dependent on him and could pay the mortgage, childcare and all expenses on my own if I could get him to leave.

You would have to buy out his share of the equity (depending on the set up of the mortgage and how the deposit and repayments are split - talk to a solicitor) can you afford that?

Thanks for all the advice. I feel a bit shocked to hear people saying what I have been thinking.
I think I need a very strong cup of coffee then I'll start contacting some of the organisations you've listed.
Do I need to find a new solicitor now? I cant use our joint solicitor can I?

You will need you own solicitor
Preferably one well versed in dealing with abusive men

I would contact the Rights of Women re your last point as they could advise you better. Alternatively you could phone a couple of local firms of Solicitors.

Rights of Women are on 020 7251 6577; their hours today are 12-2pm

I think it sounds like there are some deep issues in the relationship.
Has he always behaved in this way? Or is that a recent thing.

Practically - I don’t think either of you can stay in the house. As it’s a joint asset it belongs to both of you. And if you split - you’ll need to sell, unless you can buy each other out.

Sometimes people and relationships do fall into a pattern and a rut. Does he realise how close you are to wanting to walk?
In your place - I’d check with a solicitor what your options are and then have a last frank conversation with him. I’d tell him that either you two work on improving the relationship - (relationship counselling, him getting involved with household chores, etc) OR the house is going into the market and you separate.

Sometimes they need a wake up call.

No, you need your own solicitor.
Could you afford to increase the mortgage to buy him out ?

I got my excellent solicitor via my local DA support organisation

@MMmomDD

I think it sounds like there are some deep issues in the relationship. Has he always behaved in this way? Or is that a recent thing.

Practically - I don’t think either of you can stay in the house. As it’s a joint asset it belongs to both of you. And if you split - you’ll need to sell, unless you can buy each other out.

Sometimes people and relationships do fall into a pattern and a rut. Does he realise how close you are to wanting to walk?
In your place - I’d check with a solicitor what your options are and then have a last frank conversation with him. I’d tell him that either you two work on improving the relationship - (relationship counselling, him getting involved with household chores, etc) OR the house is going into the market and you separate.

Sometimes they need a wake up call.

No No and No

This is terrible advice

He is controlling and abusive. He don’t change and start functioning as a normal letdown in a healthy relationship. Most of these freaks never change.

The only response to him should have been, "Thank Goodness you're home I'm off to bed."
with your Ipad, to start research for separating

I agree. He won't change. He may pretend to for a while but in the long run he'll hold against you that you wanted to leave.
You need escape this relationship. Don't get pregnant whilst your planning your escape!

He isn't going to change. He is abusive. He thrives off punishing you and controlling you.

Demanding coffee in bed? Angry when he doesn't get it? I've never heard anything to ridiculous.

Expecting to be looked after when he's ill, but when you're ill expects you to continue working / looking after DCs?

He sounds vile. Selfish. Lazy. Arrogant. Abusive. He won't change. No amount of reasoning with him will change him.

Please seek the advice recommended upthread. And keep talking to us.

You can do this. Life will be better on the other side - 1000 times!

He is abusive. Please contact the women’s groups listed above and take it from there. Get your own solicitor. Don’t leave the home. I wouldn’t tell him anything about your plans until you have everything in place. Get copies of all financial statements

Thanks all. Hes just been back in for lunch and was in a foul mood again.

2yo has now gone for a nap so I just came back here for another read and will start contacting the supports listed.

I know I have to plan this quietly and plan it well. I know he could never change and if he knew I was intending to leave he'd make my life hell.

I know a solicitor who is good in this area that I could go to. Is there client confidentiality with solicitors or is it likely to end up as local gossip?

We bought the house 18 months ago so there hasnt been a huge amount repaid yet. He paid more of the deposit but I have taken out an equal loan for the renovations so hopefully they cancel each other out.

Tell your parents, consult in your friends, they will help you