Tell me I’m doing the right thing?

[Amandasummers]

“DP” and I have a turbulent relationship, in that, we cannot disagree or bicker or have a cross word without him walking out and leaving every other week. I love this man more than life, often, I have no idea why, but I do and I’ve hoped and hoped that things will change, sometimes he really seems to listen and he makes a load of effort and I let my guard down and think “finally” but then, he always does it again and we’re back at square one. We have children between us, some mine, some his and one together. So that’s the background.

Last year I was told we were going on holiday with his family this year, I was told a time period in which we would be going, i discussed with DP and both of our exes and we al agreed on dates that’s we could actually go within this time period (I have a difficult ex and a court order that states the children are not allowed to be removed from school for holidays) so whilst his family could go for a 2 week period, we could only go for 7-10 days spanning a school holiday (and one of my children’s birthdays)

Last week, after things have been really going well and I finally felt secure and happy, DP walked out, he followed this up a few days later by saying he loves me, but is not in love with me (classic, right?)

Whenever he does this, it is via text, he will not talk to me like an adult, I can text and text or ask to talk or anything practical and he will ignore me or not acknowledge what I’m actually saying, just repeat whatever he thinks is gospel.

I had enough, I said I’m done trying and wil just have to accept this now and I won’t be in contact. The second that happens, he’s texting acting like he cares 🙄 no response from me, so then he randomly says that his mum has booked flights for me and our joint child for this holiday for the entire two weeks (don’t even get me started on his mum, and the effect she has on me or our relationship!)

I’ve said myself and joint child will not be going (there are reasons as to why I would not trust any of them to take our 3 year old to a villa with a pool abroad without me there, so I am not happy for that to happen) So now it’s clear that he wants to get back together and is fuming I won’t go, but he is just ignoring all of my many many reasons as to why, and is carry on with being nice, texting me asking if I need anything (which he never does, he leaves, and the money goes with him too and I am left to fend for myself over night, bills? Who cares! Not his responsibility!) he seriously is expecting for us to just fall back into the same routine abs that I will just relent and swan off on this holiday, leaving my children behind! The worst thing is that he has already told my children we are going on this holiday! He’s told one of them they will be spending their birthday there etc. So it’s not like I can just go and say “oh sorry because of your other parent and because of the court order you can’t come” because we could have, if DP had acted like an adult and followed what had been agreed, it would be totally wrong for me to just go without them now, right? I’m not going mad here? I’m being perfectly reasonable in saying none of this is ok, aren’t I? I am not willing to continue the relationship, if him and his child just go anyway, because to me, that is just reiterating that WE are not a family and that he places a higher value on a holiday than he does his family (him and his mum are both claiming, that she just spent 10k booking flights for us, them and DBIL/SIL and their kids without discussion or seeing if anybody was ok for the dates and quite frankly I think that’s insane behaviour, so he’s just like “I didn’t know about it but it’s done now so oh well” whereas if my parents did that, I’d be saying I’m sorry you are out of pocket but our family aren’t able to commit to those dates, so I’m not sure why you’ve done that?)

Urgh. My head is just a mess. I really don’t think I’m being unreasonable with any of this but I’m starting to doubt myself. I know some people wouldn’t give 2 fucks about DP and one child going on holiday without the rest of the family but in my head, there’s a much deeper meaning to all of this and I just don’t want to waste my time with anymore caring about a family that quite clearly never really existed, and I’m sure as hell not willing to push my own children out for it??? Thoughts?!?

First of all, this isn't a good relationship is it? When someone is walking out every other week and won't have a grown up discussion, they aren't relationship material or parent material. He sounds really immature and selfish, and for that alone I would suggest separating, properly and for good.

Secondly, you were TOLD you were going on holiday? Is that how it was? Is that how it is? He TELLS you what you're doing. That's the second reason I would suggest leaving him. Noone should TELL their partner what they're doing. You're meant to be partners - equals - 2 adults both with views and opinions that are equally valid and listened to.

Thirdly, you've told him that you're done. So mean it. Don't get distracted with conversations about holidays. He is choosing to ignore you saying that you're done, and is distracting you with another arguement. Ignore his discissions about the holiday. They aren't relevant right now. I'd suggest telling him 'We're no longer a couple and we need to sort out our permanent separation as the most important thing. We can discuss holidays later on'.

Then really focus on getting separated once and for all. And meaning it. Get away from this unhealthy dynamic. You will be so much happier. And also stronger, to deal with his demands.

With regard to the holiday, you don't have to go away with your ex. He can take his own child away of course. I understand if you're no longer a couple that your agreement is needed if they go abroad. So make clear, formally, that he can't assume your agreement. I'd suggest keeping your childrens' passports safe, so that will know if he's planning to take them away. (And if your child doesn't have a passport, apply for one yourself, as otherwise he could apply for one without you knowing).

But most importantly, please stay away from this selfish, immature man, and work on rebuilding yourself, for your own sake and your children's.

It sounds like a totally toxic relationship which all your children also have to put up with

Ltb obvs

Thank you for your responses. Obviously I’m aware the whole thing is a shit show. However I’m being made to feel like I’m unhinged for saying absolutely not to this holiday, as I say, I’ve simply started to wonder if maybe it is me who is the problem!

It's not you, it really isn't. He is gaslighting you in order to control you. You are not unhinged, just having a totally appropriate reaction to his emotional abuse. Try to avoid being sucked back in. Easier said than done I know

Thanks @LadyLazarus20 I needed to hear that today 😫

I’m so sad tonight, I’m not even after responses, just using this as a place to air my thoughts I guess. This is the first time I’ve stood my ground. He wanted to come and see our DC tonight, he was late, I had a feeling he went off to get changed and showered after work before coming, it’s gross, but I knew then, he wanted sex. That was his real reason. He tried it on and I said no for the first time ever. I know that it will just be me that gets hurt again. He’s been texting and because I’m not giving the answers he wants it’s just “oh well seems like it’s over, never mind” - that kind of attitude. I feel totally worthless. I can’t see how I will get my life on track really. When I met him I had a nice car and I was looking good and feeling ok, now I’m driving a beat up tin can with no tax or mot, have holes in the soles of my trainers so my feet get soaked and they’re uncomfortable to walk in, no pockets in my coat because they’ve ripped, now handbag because I’ve used the same one for 3 years and it’s finally broken, wear them same leggings and hoodies daily because I’ve put on weight and nothing fits and there he is, in his new designer clothes, because when he leaves, he goes “yay no bills to pay now, free money” and it’s a shopping spree. I’ve had to spend the kids Christmas money just to get by, no idea how I’m going to replace it, but I will. I’ll do whatever it takes like I always do. It’s such a depressing existence and I know everyone says “things will get better” but I simply cannot see how. Urgh. Why.