Hi,
I'm sorry this could be a long one.
Here's some background on my relationship with my husband. We're both 39. We've known each other since we were babies. We grew up together, went to the same school, lived round the corner from each other. He was my first proper boyfriend at 16. My first love. At the same time, aged 15, my mental health issues first began. I suffered with anxiety, depression and anorexia. We separated. He went off to uni to become a teacher. I was very intelligent and was told I could make Oxbridge, however, my declining health meant that I couldn't go.
I spent the next 4 years barely leaving the house. I was agoraphobic.
He came home from uni. He came to see me at my parents house. We hit it off again. We fell back in love. I told him all of my problems and he said he would support me. He got a job in Bedford.... We lived in Yorkshire and he asked me to move with him. I did. I got my first job there and I felt well.
However, not long after we got there, he started going out alot and ignoring me. He had a very close relationship with a work colleague but I never found anything out. He'd go out alot without me. I found messages on his phone from a girl he'd been meeting when out with his friends. She was saying we need to meet alone next time. I confronted him and he was very sorry.
We kept going and I became pregnant which was a shock. I was 23. When I have birth to our son, he proposed to me.
We moved back to Yorkshire to be around our families and we bought our first house.
A year later we got married. However, on our wedding day his mum suffered a brain heomarriage (sp) and sadly died. It was an enormous shock. It knocked him sideways. After this he started gambling and this has been a problem ever since. He is a gambling addict and at one point lost over 20,000 pounds of our money.
Ever since this event, 13 years ago, we have been up and down.
His drinking got worse.... He is an alcoholic and he has admitted this.
He's had help for gambling but he never stuck to it.
After I had our daughter in 2010, I became a full time mum. We made that decision together, but he's thrown it back in my face for years. I had our third child in 2013 and our fourth in 2017.
Over the years, he has been quite emotionally abusive towards me. It got so bad that I rung women's aid as I never believed that what he was doing was abuse, but my close friends said it was. I wanted clarification from those who know and they said in fact, it was abuse.
He once absolutely laid into me verbally on a bus full of people, saying a was a lazy bitch, a fat cow etc etc.... Also in front of our children. He told me he hoped our third daughter would die in the womb. Hesxsaud such vicious things and made me feel so unloved and bad about myself. I've suffered mentally on and off since I was 15, and he constantly gets on at me for it. There's no understanding.
Anyway, during the pandemic, I was declining. I was focused on the kids and home schooling. He was sat every evening texting a woman from work. He would phone her when I went to bed.
He had an emotional affair. His stinking got worse, his gambling got worse. March last year, he left me. He told me he was moving in with her after two weeks. My whole world fell apart. I was so, so I'll and heartbroken. I begged him not to go.
He came back but did so on the agreement he would do whatever he wants, not do anything with the kids, have all Co trol of the money etc....
The past year, he sits and watches football every evening and every weekend. I'm not allowed to watch anything to relax on an evening. He says he should do this as he works and I don't. He doesn't realise how busy I am. I'm also setting up my own business right now. His dad died of cancer in October and his drinking and gambling are again worse. He gambles every day. He sits in pubs all day on his own, drinking and watching horse racing. He still sees her every day at work and told me he would never stop being her friend as they're very close. He moans at me if I spend any money and it's rarely anything for me other than medical things.
He told me he doesn't want to be a dad. He would rather leave so he can suit himself.
I'm so scared to be left alone.
But I can't cope like this anymore.
My friends tell me I need to let him go.
I just want some outside advice.
He's not a bad man. Deep down he's a decent bloke. But he has addictions, and unless he stopped those, I can see him always being like this.
I love my children so much. He can't stand them being my priority. He says he should come first. My eldest is now started to play up and I think it's because of how his dad is as he feels he doesn't care about him....
I really need some outside input please.