If you have mental health issues, is your partner supportive and in what way?

judoludo · 2022-01-20T21:27:15+00:00

I'm interested to know how your partner is there? And what he/she does that's supportive? Or equally if they don't? Do they find it too much?

CooCooOwl · 21/01/2022 07:17

Yes. And it went like this.

I'd just got back from seeing the doctor who had diagnosed depression so sat DH down and told him how I felt and what the doctor said.

ME - *just poured my heart out over how I was feeling - can't remember the exact words but I can remember his response.
DH - Oh. Right. Ok, well, don't think you can use that to get out of stuff.
ME - completely flabbergasted... what?
DH - Don't think you can use "depression" to get out of stuff.
Me - looking at him utterly shocked and horrified that this would his response
DH - Alright, I have depression too. Well if you can use that excuse then I have it too.
ME - *too stunned to say anything while watching him walk away.

The 'stuff' he's referring to was maybe days out with the kids as a family rather than letting me have a rare day on my own. Or maybe it was doing anything with the kids? I did, and still do, about 90% of the childcare despite us both working full time.

I've never once mentioned my mental health infront of him again even though it's got much worse. There was a point last year where I couldn't remember a day where I didn't think about killing myself. I never would though because then our kids would be stuck with him. I want to leave but I'm scared.

Btw, I no longer think about killing myself or, if I do, it's rare. Now I'm just putting together an escape plan and dreaming of a better life away from him.

Milomonster · 21/01/2022 07:42

My ex was very neglectful. Our first child passed away, and I suffered deeply from the trauma of it. I withdrew from the world for a very long time. He let me (whilst pursuing his passions with glee) and then blamed me for not making it clear how I was feeling. I did. He didn’t listen. I stopped trying. It’s a very lonely place suffering alone. I hope you have support.

layladomino · 21/01/2022 07:42

@CooCooOwl I hope your escape plan is almost sorted, as he is vile. That's made me so angry! Please don't stay with that man a minute longer than you have to.

Timeforabiscuit · 21/01/2022 07:55

Dh was doing the washing up, about a year after my mum had died when I told him how bad I was feeling and that I felt suicidal.

He just kind of paused for a beat and said " well that doesn't sound good, you should go to the doctors", he was at my back every step of the way making sure I prioritised feeling better, that I didn't overload with stuff that didn't matter and I was honest with him.

When I start zoning out and getting into poor habits, he pulls me up on it (sometimes harshly) and points out when I'm being people pleasing.

He's never once minimised how I'm feeling, always talked positively with the kids when I've struggled.

Made sure I had time and space for therapy, not just the appointments, but the god awful hour afterwards when you feel shaky, and time for exercise and just idleness when I need to just down tools.

Original poster

judoludo · 21/01/2022 08:54

@CooCooOwl

Yes. And it went like this.

I'd just got back from seeing the doctor who had diagnosed depression so sat DH down and told him how I felt and what the doctor said.

ME - *just poured my heart out over how I was feeling - can't remember the exact words but I can remember his response.
DH - Oh. Right. Ok, well, don't think you can use that to get out of stuff.
ME - completely flabbergasted... what?
DH - Don't think you can use "depression" to get out of stuff.
Me - looking at him utterly shocked and horrified that this would his response
DH - Alright, I have depression too. Well if you can use that excuse then I have it too.
ME - *too stunned to say anything while watching him walk away.

The 'stuff' he's referring to was maybe days out with the kids as a family rather than letting me have a rare day on my own. Or maybe it was doing anything with the kids? I did, and still do, about 90% of the childcare despite us both working full time.

I've never once mentioned my mental health infront of him again even though it's got much worse. There was a point last year where I couldn't remember a day where I didn't think about killing myself. I never would though because then our kids would be stuck with him. I want to leave but I'm scared.

Btw, I no longer think about killing myself or, if I do, it's rare. Now I'm just putting together an escape plan and dreaming of a better life away from him.

My situation is very similar to yours. I was shouted at when I opened up about my mental health. I always tried to talk about it to him, he never said anything.

I went on cbt therapy, didn't ask anything, just not bothered.

Then, like you, I started having suicidal thoughts. I opened up and was shouted at and told he couldn't be bothered with it.

I left the next day and haven't returned since. You can do it ❤️

OP posts:

Original poster

judoludo · 21/01/2022 08:58

@Milomonster

My ex was very neglectful. Our first child passed away, and I suffered deeply from the trauma of it. I withdrew from the world for a very long time. He let me (whilst pursuing his passions with glee) and then blamed me for not making it clear how I was feeling. I did. He didn’t listen. I stopped trying. It’s a very lonely place suffering alone. I hope you have support.

I'm so sorry, that is truly awful. Sending you so much love x

OP posts:

Purplewithred · 21/01/2022 09:06

DH has had mental health issues for the whole of our marriage: when I found myself falling off a cliff he was great. I'm sorry your experiences have been so bad.

ParkheadParadise · 21/01/2022 09:20

I had serious mental health issues when our dd died. I was 7 months pregnant with Dd2 at the time.
I first I stayed in bed and wouldn't engage with anyone I wanted to die.
DH phoned the midwife/ doctor. Made most of the funeral arrangements although he was grieving too.
He took a full years leave when she was born( I know we were very lucky he could do this) did most of the caring for her. I walked about in a daze.
Supported me through bereavement counselling.

Original poster

judoludo · 21/01/2022 10:45

It's so sad reading some of these completely unsupportive stories yet positive that there are examples of healthy relationships.

I was always there for my exH when he struggled but I just never got the same back. He's now moving onto other relationships and I am here struggling with the aftermath of what he has done.

OP posts:

Colourmeclear · 21/01/2022 11:06

My ex was awful. It included him saying I had no right to tell him I was suicidal and that I was over reacting when I asked if I should see a Dr.

My current partner attends all my appointments. He talks with my doctors and is really engaged. He holds me when I cry and never judges me. If I have a bad he is empathetic and asks how he can help. He's proud of how far I've come and calls me strong not weak. He's my biggest support and I keep myself well for my own well-being not because I'm afraid it's a condition of his love.

Original poster

judoludo · 21/01/2022 11:32

@Colourmeclear

My ex was awful. It included him saying I had no right to tell him I was suicidal and that I was over reacting when I asked if I should see a Dr.

My current partner attends all my appointments. He talks with my doctors and is really engaged. He holds me when I cry and never judges me. If I have a bad he is empathetic and asks how he can help. He's proud of how far I've come and calls me strong not weak. He's my biggest support and I keep myself well for my own well-being not because I'm afraid it's a condition of his love.

Wow that brought me to tears, your current partner is so supportive, how amazing to see such a turn around!

So very very happy you have such an supportive and loving partner x

OP posts:

SapphosRock · 21/01/2022 12:03

I think there is a direct correlation between having an unsupportive partner and the severity of a mental health issue.

WineThenMisletoe · 21/01/2022 12:29

My DH just takes away all my worries/anxieties. On Christmas day I had a meltdown having to cook for everyone. Not sure why but just got it in my head I could not do it (no reason at all). He calmly came into the kitchen and made the whole meal whilst I faffed with the table settings. I overhead my DM telling him what a nice meal I had cooked. He never said a word just agreed and got her another drink.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 21/01/2022 12:45

I had postpartum psychosis with dc1. Dh worked from home on suicide watch for the first 7 or so months (his employers were also fantastic).

Once the psychosis was fixed, I was diagnosed with ptsd and gad due to previous trauma and an "interesting" childhood. He drove me to therapy appointments as I felt so drained/distressed afterwards. Let me talk about the trauma if I wanted to but also understood if I didn't. He's advocated for me, held me whilst I sobbed after nightmares and got up with the kids so I can try and get enough sleep.

Whereas I'd have left me years ago, possibly at the stage where I was repeatedly punching myself in the stomach a few weeks after an emergency section screaming that I was sick of the "doll" (dc1) spying on me. That I was never going to pass "their" tests and get my own baby back. Sometimes (most of the time), especially given my childhood I find it really hard to understand why he thinks I'm deserving of his love.

silverley · 21/01/2022 17:09

My depression was used as a stick to beat me with. Things went massively downhill for me when I found out my ex had cheated on me, his abuse stepped up, I had to have an abortion and had health complications in quick succession. After that, my mental health was always held over me and was his excuse for abusing me.

Original poster

judoludo · 21/01/2022 18:37

@silverley

My depression was used as a stick to beat me with. Things went massively downhill for me when I found out my ex had cheated on me, his abuse stepped up, I had to have an abortion and had health complications in quick succession. After that, my mental health was always held over me and was his excuse for abusing me.

Oh how awful, so sorry you went through that x

OP posts:

Original poster

judoludo · 21/01/2022 18:40

@Dinosauratemydaffodils

I had postpartum psychosis with dc1. Dh worked from home on suicide watch for the first 7 or so months (his employers were also fantastic).

Once the psychosis was fixed, I was diagnosed with ptsd and gad due to previous trauma and an "interesting" childhood. He drove me to therapy appointments as I felt so drained/distressed afterwards. Let me talk about the trauma if I wanted to but also understood if I didn't. He's advocated for me, held me whilst I sobbed after nightmares and got up with the kids so I can try and get enough sleep.

Whereas I'd have left me years ago, possibly at the stage where I was repeatedly punching myself in the stomach a few weeks after an emergency section screaming that I was sick of the "doll" (dc1) spying on me. That I was never going to pass "their" tests and get my own baby back. Sometimes (most of the time), especially given my childhood I find it really hard to understand why he thinks I'm deserving of his love.

Wow, you absolutely do deserve love, it sounds like you have been through so much with a supporting partner by your side.

OP posts:

SugarSanity · 21/01/2022 22:00

My ex boyfriend was horrendous. Played on my insecurity, gas lighted me and belitted me - told me I needed to see someone as I was 'going fucking mad'. He destroyed my self esteem to the point where I felt no one else would love me - when we finally broke up I felt the weight of the world had been lifted and I started to thrive again.

But he's left his mark sadly.

My current boyfriend of 5 years however has built my confidence back up and made me feel worth loving. I had a terrible anxiety attack due to stress at work, to the point where I had ideations of self harm. He took action straight away and took me to the doctors and fully supported me in my recovery.
I have now taken a lesser paying job which he supported even though I was the higher earner. He has truly been my rock, he never complained or told me to get a grip - he was a continuous shoulder to cry on and never judged.

I am lucky to have such an understanding man. Such a shame people dont get the support and understanding they need.

Sending love x