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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Confused

8 replies

Vick20199 · 20/01/2022 21:02

My boyfriend cheated on my in august when he was drunk, humiliated me as it was at a family party, first time I’d ever met these people! Anyway he said we’d just go for an hour, once there he proceeded to get pissed and the hour went out the window, I caught him flirting with a cousin by marriage and they ended up chatting upstairs, I over heard and seen a deeply upsetting scene, my boyfriend was asking her to kiss him, lay with him and even sit on him, she said no, I walked in on them, it was like he didn’t even know who I was, I ended up leaving alone. Turns out they kissed and fondled when I left, he said when he come round he realised what he was doing and thought I don’t want to do this, he walked home 6 hours and come and told me.
He’s stopped drinking spirits as he said it was because he’d had whisky, says it won’t happen again but I’m so so confused, to make matters worse he’s my neighbour, we’ve been together 20 months, I’ve ended it, got back with him, ended it again, now we’re on a break so my head is well and truly mashed… I don’t know what to do, he appears to be trying, we have such a emotional connection which I’ve never experienced with a man before, but I do worry he has such low boundaries when he’s been drinking, he said it’s ok now he’s not drinking whisky but I’ve seen him drunk, he does flirt when he’s drunk, and I worry if I try I’ll regret this further down the line and be made a mug out of. Most the men I’ve met have cheated on me or had low boundaries seems he’s just another one of them !!!

OP posts:
myhumps123 · 20/01/2022 21:07

He has shown you who he is. Honestly get rid. You have nothing that connects you to him. Better to get rid now then later. Work on yourself, your boundaries, practice self care. You deserve someone that respects you and is loyal to you, drink or no drink.

Marineboy67 · 20/01/2022 21:22

There's not really anything to be confused about. He's clearly shown you his true colours and credentials.
Unfortunately you're never going to know exactly what happened after you left. A fondle, a kiss, a shag! Chances are he will have played it down, that's what cheaters do along with the old chestnut 'It meant nothing' if it neabt nothing why does it hurt so much?
I think the only confusion is do you want to be with a cheating liar with no trust or not!

AubadeIsIt · 20/01/2022 21:28

...who cheats on you...with family. Nothing to be confused about here.

SunflowerTed · 20/01/2022 23:25

It’s a no brainer. He has no respect for you and kisses and fondles other women! Ditch!!!

Vick20199 · 21/01/2022 08:10

I feel I should've just walked away for good back in august but I stupidly let him back which I now regret! I'm waiting for high intensity cbt now as I've got depression and anxiety, proper messed me up it has. And him being so close to me next door is hard. 😢😢😢

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Penguinsmum · 21/01/2022 08:15

Don't you deserve better than this? He sounds absolutely disgusting.

layladomino · 21/01/2022 08:15

Don't worry about what you 'should' have done in August. You can't turn the clock back. But you can decide what you need to do from today.

You know you can't trust him. And he can't blame the whisky. Do you want to spend the rest of your days worrying about him flirting / watching every time he has a drink / wondering if he's drinking when he stays out late?

I was really shocked that, after you walked in on him, he then went back to making out with her. He didn't acknowledge you even existed - he was more interested in getting this other woman in to bed.

Even if this only ever happened when he drank whisky, it's not good enough. But you've said he's generally flirty otherwise.

I think if you stay with this man you will become more insecure and spend your life worrying about what he's up to, and if you're actually that important to him.

You deserve so much better.

Vick20199 · 21/01/2022 08:30

I just feel I don't have the strength anymore to walk away! He'll say stupid things like I'm being tested, I know what I need to do it's just doing it now and sticking with it!
Crazy thing is he did actually cheat on his ex of 12 years who he has kids with but says she deserved it for all the shit she put him through, that was with his ex's best friend too 🤦🏻‍♀️ they've had threesomes together in past when all off their head, he sounds delightful doesn't he 🤣🤣🤣
How the hell would I cope if he met someone else and I seen them with living next door, sometimes because of how I feel so low and no self esteem it's easier to shut up and put up ! I've brought it on myself, if it wasn't for covid we'd never of got together tbh

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