Sibling fallout - parent struggling to accept my going

[Howtohelpmyparent]

Name changed so don’t out myself.

Sis & I are mid 40s. As kids used to argue a lot and physically fight. She blackmailed and bullied me in our teens. As adults I have tried to get along, forgiven a lot. On the surface we have managed to keep up a pretence most of the time and played happy families when necessary.

Recently I went NC to preserve my own sanity. I have no idea what I’ve ever done so wrong or bad to her to deserve her spite. She is apparently envious of me and my life. I always try to be kind and she’s like Jekyll & Hyde. I never know how she’ll be. She leaves me nasty voice messages when she’s had too much to drink.

I’m happy being NC. She is too. But my mum just won’t accept it and wants us to get on. Our going NC has really affected them. But I have put a NC boundary in place to protect myself. I have any kindness thrown back in my face with spite and venom without any obvious trigger.

Is there anything I can do to support my mum and help her accept the situation is I fixable. I understand how upsetting it is for her that her 2 daughters don’t get on, but I cannot change that. I don’t want my sister in my life anymore. I’ve had a lot of major health issues myself and I just don’t need the added stress. Now I feel guilty about the impact it’s having on my mum.

I feel like I cannot do anything to ease the situation.

I think you need to hold the boundary you've drawn here. It's sad that your mum is upset, but it's absolutely not a reason to compromise on the decision you've made, which was yours to make and was clearly a long time in coming.

I think if you feel you have explained your reasoning to your mother, and she has heard it, then you need to firmly shut down any further attempts to discuss the matter. Just tell her that the subject is closed; you don't have to talk about your sister, to her or anyone else, if you don't wish to. Your mum is going to have to get her head around it, and her own struggles with your sister are not yours to solve.

help her accept the situation ISN’T fixable

Thank you sadpaper I guess I need another gentler boundary with my mum to not discuss my sister so I don’t feel guilt-tripped by my mum. I just hate that I feel it’s really affecting my mum’s health now! By going NC I feel much less stressed about my sister’s behaviour towards me. But now feel stressed about the impact on my mum.

My sister has form for her Jekyll & Hyde behaviour with many others, but I seem to get the full brunt of it most of the time.

It gets easier with time. I'm NC with one sister after her hideous behaviour after our Mum's death, and our other sister found it very hard to accept. I just kept reinforcing my boundary -reguding to join in zoom calls with them both, reminding her I needed her to respect my wishes, repeating that I wished C a happy life but I wanted no part in it, etc. It takes a while to sink in, but it will do, especially if your sister feels the same (as mine does, neither of us are interested in trying any more).

I have 2 children who are NC with each other. As a mum, I would never try to force them to get along as they simply can’t. You aren’t responsible for your mum, she’s responsible for her own feelings and should be respecting your decision imo. I don’t discuss anything to do with either of my children with the other, that keeps things simple and both know there is no confidences betrayed. I made it clear to both when I realised they were NC they were both my children, I love them equally but understood their reasons for being NC.

I’m NC with my sister and have been for 27 years now. Every time my mother mentioned her I changed the subject. She soon got the message. Only your mum can allow this to affect her health, that’s down to her and not you. You need to live your life in a manner that’s best for you and no-one else. Sorry if that sounds harsh, that’s not how it’s intended.

It would absolutely break my heart if my DDs fell out terminally. I know I'd have to accept it, but I can't pretend it would be anything other than agony.
I hope I'd realise that there was nothing I could, or should do. But I think you just need to accept that it's going to take a very long time for her to come to terms with it. Her whole concept of family is gone.

I don't intend to make you feel worse. Just to try to help you understand where your mum will be coming from and how you can't expect her to deal with it quickly. She will always hope that there'd be some resolution. But in time she'll know not to discuss it any more.

It's far easier to deal with something you're in control of (as you are, having made the decision) than something you can only watch and grieve for.

This is me too its really hard. Not only are you dealing with a toxic sibling, the loss ( desire too of having a normal sisterly relatiinship) but pressure from your Mum too. I have had this for years until it blew up at Christmas. My DM tried to guilt me " when we are gone you with only have each other" then " you are lucky to have a Dh your sister has noone"
When I argued that, then come a personal attack on my character " you should forgive her, yoy forgive everyone else!" Then " you used to be a nice person why cant you be friends again"
With that I lost it, set my boundary, made it clear that I am under no obligation to continually deal with a toxic Jekyll and Hyde person so eaten up with envy and resentment that I endured her physically assaulting me in the street. That as an adult I do not have to have a relationship with anyone that is abusive, cruel and truly toxic. That if you continually twist this on me, blame me or attack my character again, I will go NC with you too. My mum not brought it up since. But its a sad situation but people that toxic never change.

Harold thank you. It seems I need to give mum more time to get used to the new normal. I like how you’ve reminded about respecting your wishes. I feel the same, I hope she’s happy but I no longer want to be part of her life or her in mine. .

pepper thank you for sharing your experience as the mum in this situation. Poor you having this with your own sister and your daughters. Your reply isn’t harsh at all. It’s the reality I needed to hear. I can’t help my mum come to terms with it. She can only do that herself.

How we deal with elderly parents when the time comes, I have no idea, but for now I need to keep gently reinforcing my boundary and change the subject with sister is mentioned in conversation.

It is difficult but keep changing the subject when it comes up. When a family member is the one who takes up all the emotional air in the entire family, their every move, every mood, every motive is the major subject of all family discussion decision and drama, it's inevitable that someone will check out. (Ask me how I know)

Your mum will struggle but with repeated refusal to engage she will eventually give up. Don't be surprised if she escalates attempts to force you to reconcile but once you drop your end of the rope, you have stopped the skipping game. Your mum will get used to it and keep telling her in ways that do not relate to your sister, that you still love your Mum - that connection is still there (I assume from your post that you do still love and want a relationship with your Mum).

Maybe let your mum know that you truly understand that it's hard for her, but you both are benefitting from the space. It's not like the gulf between you will disappear if she forces you into contact - it will just be fights, resentment that she's forced you both back into an aggressive situation and ultimately, make you both avoid HER too. My own Mum tried that and her manipulation actually drove C and I further apart. There was nowhere to go but total NC after she died. Maybe we'd have managed some sort of relationship had we been left to it, maybe not.

saraclara I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. I hadn’t thought about it as a loss of ‘the family unit’ that mum thought she had and was proud of. I need to give her time to grieve.

angels I’m sorry you are in a similar situation. My sister is toxic that’s certain. And you’re right, I feel sad at never having had a kind and loving sibling relationship, that many of my friends and family have. I have some good close girlfriends and am grateful for that instead.

I’m so glad I posted. Some really helpful perspectives and suggestions I can use. I’m going to make a few notes of what I want to say to mum next time it comes up so I gently stick to my boundary and can stay on message each time without having a heated discussion about it.

crucible thank you, yes I definitely want a relationship with my mum. I love her dearly and want to support both parents as they get older.

harold you’re right, if I keep being guilt tripped into forced contact, and eventually every time I get hurt again, I will resent my mum and really don’t want that to happen.

I hadn’t thought about it as a loss of ‘the family unit’ that mum thought she had and was proud of. I need to give her time to grieve.

It's very good of you to take that in and empathise with her so quickly.

It's a hard thing to put across to someone who hasn't experienced bringing up a family from babyhood to adulthood, and I didn't really know how to express it. But you got it straight off. It's grieving for the family unit that she grew, but which no longer exists. And she'll probably be wondering what she did wrong.

I'm sure you'll be sensitive and kind to her, and I hope that she empathises with you too (eventually!)

@MrsPepperPot2022 - I wish you were my mum!

I'm as LC as I can be with my sister. When our mum dies it will be NC. Unlike @MrsPepperPot2022 my mum has insisted on telling my sister everything I have told her over the last 20 years, despite me begging her not to. As a result our relationship has suffered terribly, which she chooses to ignore. She even told my sister to keep an eye on me when she dies, as being bullied for 30 years isn't enough.

@Howtohelpmyparent - your mum has made her own decision. Don't let that influence yours.

Hi OP. I expect that part of what is going on for you mum too is guilt at the thought that she did something wrong as a parent to cause your sister to be such a difficult character that you've had no choice but to be NC. On some level she wants you to be friends again so she does not have to fact this possibility. But you do need to protect your own needs and look after yourself. When you have a sibling who really can't think of other's needs, sadly sometimes that does mean going NC.

I’m not sure it’s something a mum will ever accept really. I know if my kids got to this point I’d find it heartbreaking and would feel absolutely it was my job to try and help them fix it. I know that’s not very helpful but just I think that’s how a lot of parents would feel. Maybe you just need to make peace with how she feels?

@MrsPepperPot2022 words are very wise.

I understand it must be hard for your mum, but that doesn't mean you are doing the wrong thing.

The alternative would be to drop the NC for your mum's sake. Neither of you want that. You would suffer mentally and possibly physically in time. I don't think your mum would want that either?

So it's a sad situation for her, but at least in this scenario you are able to avoid the abuse and the destruction of your mental wellbeing, and get on with your life. Your mum is able to have a relationship with both her children.

Hopefully in time she will understand that it is wrong to expect your child to pretend to get along with someone for your sake and to their own detriment.