How have you felt about going back to dating again after a long marriage then divorce?

[gynaegal]

I don't know about you but life is a lot different in the dating game now than what it was when I was younger. Lingo, expectations and just meeting people is madness out there, like the wild wild west.
Am I the only one thinking this?

I really, really enjoyed it! Sure, there were idiots, but I had a lot of fun.

I was planning to be casual and not tie myself to one person for AGES after my divorce! 18 months after divorce I went on POF, went on 3 dates and am still with date # 3 nearly 5 years later. I never wanted it to be a long term thing but somehow its turned into one.

But yes gynaegal things have changed hugely! I still don't understand the teenager/young adult stages of dating - my daughter has been seeing someone for 3 months, they kiss, have sex but still aren't 'official' although they are "exclusively dating"

I enjoyed it and met dp after 5 months- I realised what I was missing all the years I was married

It’s not easy is my summary. I’d say that you need to be quite secure in yourself and not get vested in anyone too soon.

Some people will never reply to an opening message (bumble)
Some will reply and then unmatch
Some will reply and chat for a while and then just disappear
Some will ask for number etc within a few texts (I tend to prefer to stay on app until I’ve at least met them).
Some will want to message endlessly and never arrange a meet up
Some may even want to chat as a precursor and then disappear
You may go on a first date and never hear from them again
You may go on multiple dates and be ghosted
You may go on dates, be intimate and until you’ve had ‘the chat’ there is no guarantee that they aren’t still dating/ sleeping with other people. The onus is on you to bring it up and be explicit.

All of the above doesn’t bother me in the slightest. But then I know that’s part and parcel of modern day dating.

For me, I’ve had a good few dates. Met some interesting people. No weirdos so far. No spark with anyone yet, but then I’m taking a very relaxed approach towards it and am not looking for a ‘relationship’ as such. I think if it’s going to happen, it will happen organically, over time.
I’m in absolutely no rush and it’s lovely.

For me the above mindset is working a treat.

The key out of everything is to not be in a vulnerable and needy place. Because I’m not looking for a relationship, I can quite literally take or leave any of them. That I’m sure will change one day if i meet someone who gives me butterflies again. But until then, it’s good fun.

I really enjoyed OLD, didn't take it too seriously and met some really interesting people

I've loved it!!

I thought no one would want me after 2 kids and divorce in my 30s but turns out loads of men want to date me.

It's the perfect sweet spot for me - getting to go and have fun, but if doesn't turn in to anything serious then I don't care, because I can come home to my beautiful DC and be happy on my own with them.

It's win-win!

@sassbott I like your style! I’ve only been doing OLD for about 4 months and have already encountered most of those on your list now I’m starting to relax into it a bit I’m managing not to take things personally or get invested, but it was a struggle at first

And @emilyintheSE I like your approach too! I’m a bit older and was convinced no one would be interested, but I’ve had a few dates and lots of chats so far. I mean most of them have been rubbish but it hasn’t been the wasteland I was expecting.

I enjoyed it, to a point and then met my now DH after 18 months. I met him in “real life” though through a friend.

I behaved the way I wish I had done as a teenager - as I know better now! - and only went for the ones who were really keen and genuine and nice to me. Any hint of games, weirdness, slagging off ex-wife etc or “not looking for anything serious” then I moved swiftly on. I think you can tell really, as if you ask someone straight up what they are looking for then the “nothing serious” ones seem to be quite honest.

Always suggested meeting up fairly soon as well, just for a coffee during the day, and that weeded out the ones with no intention of meeting, as well as the ones who wanted an evening date as they were hoping for quick sex (unless that is what you are looking for, of course!)

Have fun

The only approach is to not take things personally and genuinely not give a flying fox whether someone messages back/ doesn’t message back/ asks to see you again etc. If they’re not feeling it, they won’t message. It’s that simple, move on.

I’ve also noticed a pattern of men trying to get ‘exclusive’ (in terms of let’s just be exclusive in getting to know each other and not be dating multiple people on the app) and I absolutely won’t do that either. I get guarded around people who want to go super focussed super fast. The speedier they reel you in, the faster they are to discard. Nope nope nope. I will take my merry time getting to know people and if it organically evolves into something more, then it will.

Personally I’ve gone younger. There is a huge pool of men quite happy to date women not interested in having children/ wanting to settle down/ get married. It’s refreshing to spend time with people who don’t do Darth Vader impressions of their ex wives.

I loved it! Met some stunningly strange people and some really fun ones. Had great sex. Entertained my smug married friends. It was really life-enhancing. And three years in with DP, I seem to have bagged a good one!