Boyfriend of 3 years (with separate lockdown inbetween so a period spent walking/talking virtually)
We have a sexual and intellectual connection and chemistry all the time, and an emotional connection only when he is drunk.
He says he loves me, he says the words. He is very pro active in seeing me, doing things together, calling, checking in, thinking of me, including me in the rest of his life. But he is so formal and unemotional when he is not drunk, up until the point we have sex you would think we were close friends. Often the start of sex is quite jarring. There is foreplay but no slow playfulness or intimacy before the “act” begins.
He cannot and does not ever reach out and touch me or pull me in for a cuddle. I do it to him and he likes it but sometimes finds it uncomfortable. When he is drunk he is very touchy feely. Like a completely different person.
He is very pro active and focused on doing things. Like visiting a particular place (like a landmark) going on the walk, listening to the guide, buying the souvenirs. Very precise around travel arrangements, obsessed with train / plane times, delays, down to the minute, what I would consider quite insignificant details.
He is not a good emotional communicator. After a night together he will thank me and ask if I enjoyed myself. We are way beyond that level of politeness and formality. He will say things like “see you next time,” but will then call me throughout the day about details / arrangements /observations / something interesting he heard on the radio or tv or an article online we can intellectually share.
Contrastingly he works in sales. And I have heard him on calls and he is like a silver -tongued selling machine: tuning into what people want, reading the room, emotional and persuasive communication at its best.
He is confident and not shy as a personality but reluctant to socialise when sober. When he drinks he is the life and soul of the party, tactile with me, cracks jokes, the first up to dance, the last to leave. The next morning he feels angry with himself, he drank too much, he ate too much, he “hates parties anyway” and “will never do that again.”
When I have had enough with the emotional coldness or brought this issue up, he almost girds himself to be emotional and then communicates perfectly. He says he knows he is like this, he is just: tired, hungry, cold, busy at work, annoyed with so and so. And he’s sorry and everything’s fine for a day or so. He makes big gestures. But this is only done in efforts to get me back in the ring. Once I’m back he reverts to the old way.
But surely if he can switch it off and on and I am asking for him to be more like this, he should try to be that way with me? Is it that it is too much effort for him? Why do his wider social circle get the warm, vivacious party animal and day to day I get the cold but committed fish?
Is this a type? We are late 40s.