Divorce -struggling

[Sweetie1980]

I am really struggling today. My stbx is abusive and it's taken me a long time to leave. We are still in the house together and attempting to resolve finances and children arrangements, he is being very difficult. He wants shared care and I don't think I can stop it, children do not want this. I feel so depressed about it all and the thought of not seeing my children every day is so painful . Ex has never been hands on and I have always done everything for them 😥 does it get easier?

Based on what you say here, it's hard to understand how he thinks 50/50 will work i you've done everything to date?

Are you still living together because he refuses to move out? Sounds to me like he's asking for shared care as yet another way to control/frighten you.

I think the only thing to do is keep moving forward. If he won't agree a sensible split, get a solicitor or look into mediation. In terms of child arrangements, it's what's in best interests of children so if you've been their primary carer, you'll be able to prove that and use that to support your desire to remain resident parent.

Thanks, yes he refuses to move out.

How old are the kids?

6 and 10

Here is what my solicitor advices - start keeping a diary. Of his Vs your involvement in childcare.
I kept on one my phone - quick note on what I did - and if he was around for breakfast/dinner with kids, or pick-up; or teachers meetings, doctors appointments, play dates, etc.
I never had to use it - but it was going to be helpful if he contested and insisted on 50/50 care.
They often start by demanding that - partially because they are scared to lose the kids. But another reason for it is to reduce child maintenance payments.
So - I told my exH that I disagree on 50/50 and if he insists on that - he’ll have to take me to court. And until then - status quo continues.

What is the current situation? Do you work a full/part time? Does he? What’s is he proposing he do and how does it fit around his work?

Don't discuss custody with him if he wont agree to mediation. Tell him he can take you to court. It is a long process. It is taking about 12 months or more for these cases to get to a final stage as the courts are so back logged. That will give you time to get some legal advice. But definitely keep a record of what is going on and what is said. If he becomes threatening seek the advice of womens aid as you may need to leave with your children for your own safety.

Agree, keep a clear chronological log of what you does verses him and any unacceptable behaviour from him.

Looking after children is hard work, something he has never experienced, he is probably just saying this to upset and undermine you or possibly to avoid maintenence. I imagine if he actually was granted 50/50 he would soon change his mind.

Thank you. Solicitor is suggesting I offer a trial for 5 nights out of 14 to go back to mediation should if it doesn't work. Part of me wants him to realise it is hard work, he is use to staying in bed until 9am and he is not use to managing his work around the children

Sorry for typos

I’d offer the regular EOW sort of arrangement.
Week 1 - he gets them on Fri after school, brings them back on Sun night
Week 2 - he gets them Wed after school and takes them to school on Thur. With a view of it this works, it can get you 2 nights/week

But it’s only after he gets his own place. And I’d tell him that it’s so he can get used to taking care of the kids on his own.