Can you really forgive or is it time to move on ?

[queenie2016]

Quick run down, found out last year dh had been cheating on me before and through my pregnancy , there was also a drug addiction on going at the time but I don't excuse his behaviour on using drugs at all, he ended up in rehab came out all apologies to be fair he's the person I've wanted him to be, he's gotten help with his mental health etc, but I just can't forgive him for the torture I've been put through he really wants this and our family to work but for me it's ruined has anyone actually ever forgiven cheating over time I'm starting to just feel numb about it all now I don't cry about it now I'm just starting to feel nothing and it's getting me quite depressed.

Move on and well away from this man who has and will simply continue to drag you down with him into his pit. A person cannot act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship and you've also overinvested in the idea of what he could be to you rather than what he actually is. Look at codependency and enabling behaviours and see how much of this has reflected in your own behaviour re him.

By cheating on you when you were pregnant he put you AND your child at risk. That’s not something I I would want to get over when he was supposed to be protecting you at your most vulnerable.

I could never forgive the betrayal of trust at any time, but at such a vulnerable time in your life.
The thought would control my life and I wouldn't put myself through that.

I'm sorry you went through such a horrid time, it sounds like its time to move on.

Some things can't be undone.

Even if you released him from anger about what he did by forgiving him, that's not the same as being unaffected by his actions. I am not sure how you could ever feel safe and secure in a relationship with someone who had harmed you so catastrophically.

It sounds like you would be better separating and moving forward with your life without him.

I don't think that forgiveness comes easy when you have been cheated on and lied to, specially when you were pregnant. It happened to me 18 years ago - I've moved on and made a great life for myself and my family, but I've never forgiven him for what he did. Just thinking about him makes me want to punch him .

Your feelings are completely understandable. Yes he may have apologised, and he may have taken steps to be different in future. But he can't erase the fact that he did it. He should never have done it in the first place and he did. So you know that you can't trust him (and with really big stuff like cheating and drug abuse). He was willing to lie and cheat before, and so theres every reason to believe he might again.

And even if he could guarantee (he can't ofcourse) that he would be the perfect partner forevermore, it doesn't change that he's already damaged your feelings towards him.

Don't feel obliged to stay with someone who you don't want to be with 100%, no matter what the reason.

No sadly.

Unlikely to genuinely forgive anyway, as ultimately it tells you who they are. But pregnant? He’s scum, you know it, staying with him and pretending is making you actively depressed.

Unforgivable x

Thanks everyone I think I'm going to try some counselling to help me work through the trauma I've been through and work on my own well being, we've been together so long now and had ups and downs but this has seemed to undoubtedly ruin our marriage, I'm still in complete disbelief about it all, how one person could actually intentionally make decisions over and over to hurt the one your supposed to love that's what I can't get past the choice to do that to someone over and over , I understand he won't have cared because of the drug use but he still choose to do these things I just won't ever see how someone could do that, a one night stand while drunk/drugs or even a few I could understand and see from a different point of view (not saying it's acceptable it's not but I could understand it) I told him I won't ever forgive him but he's ignoring what I've said and trying to pretend like everything's ok I just don't even know what to say anymore .

Some things just can't be undone. I had my ex back for a few months after he cheated, but by that time I actually felt numb. You will go through a range of emotions but my final emotion was I was just done and could never trust him again so I ended it. Sorry you are going through this, it's an awful place to be and the odds of staying together after cheating are not very high. Having therapy helps you work through your feelings but don't rush your decision either way. I never regretted my final decision.

They say the opposite of love isn't hate (in fact they're closely connected)- but indifference.

It sounds like you're at that stage OP.

Obviously every situation is different but once I stopped hating my ex I knew it was over and there was no going back if that makes sense, and it was for very similar reasons to yours.

Wish you luck with whatever you decide.

@ShippingNews

I don't think that forgiveness comes easy when you have been cheated on and lied to, specially when you were pregnant. It happened to me 18 years ago - I've moved on and made a great life for myself and my family, but I've never forgiven him for what he did. Just thinking about him makes me want to punch him .

How did you move on did you do anything to help you through the emotions of it all ?