I'm an awful partner

[peachicetea]

Hi I have been meaning to write this post for so long but it's just very uncomfortable for me to open up about things like this.
Here goes. My and my fiancé have been together for 11 years and we had an amazing sex life. It was me who even wanted it more than him back in the day.
Now for the last year I have completely gone off sex. Even the thought of it makes me anxious. We have probably done it 6 times in 9 months and he isn't happy about it at all.

He has even said he is leaving a few times because there is no intimacy between us. I still love a cuddle and to be close to him but he has completely shut me out. I think he thinks no sexual means what's the point in showing me any affection.
When he said he was leaving the last time I said I would change and we had sex but I hated it.
I cried my self to sleep that night. Not letting him know I was upset. Now everytime we go to bed and he gets too close I freeze up and feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I would never have sex again if it was up to me but I feel so awful. I know he deserves so much better than me and this stupid situation. I'm just wondering have anyone else been through this ? I'm 34 so still young 😥

Do you not fancy him any more? Has all the desire for him disappeared?

Or is this more about you not being interested in sex generally, caused by something else, work stress, covid stress etc. It's not unusual. Have you worked out what is turning you off?

You need to deal with it one way or the other. Can you talk to your gp? Or ask to be referred to a therapist? Do the pair of you need to take some time off, relax, go on holiday, lie on a beach or walk the highlands, spend some time rediscovering each other.

Or do you want to leave because it's over?

After this horrible year, you need to spend some time on you.

I had the same thing and worked out that it was because boyfriend of the time was subtly pressuring me all the time.
He'd push for me to buy a new car because mine was older than he liked, he tried to make me pay for things I couldn't afford, he pushed for me to spend more time with him and less with my ds, he pushed for sex every night. But it was all quite subtle. In the end I was so stressed, I associated being with him with being under pressure and I clammed up.
He wouldn't stop (even when I recorded him and played it back to him) he said I was imagining it. So I ended it. And wow, the relief !!!!

But that was me. You are probably completely different,

I’m similar to @MintJulia. I left a relationship not too long ago. In the beginning the chemistry was intense, we had a very active sex life. It then started to dwindle over subsequent years (as did my wanting to be affectionate with him) and really came to a grinding halt in the year before I finally ended things. I even started to get discomfort down below without any explanation.

Essentially it was my bodies way of telling me the relationship wasn’t healthy. I was on the receiving end of very unhealthy and insidious abuse. Which emotionally I wasn’t able to admit.

Since I’ve ended the relationship my libido has come roaring back and the constant discomfort I had down below? Gone. I mean I’m single so not getting any action but it’s the feelings that have returned, when they had essentially died a death whilst still with him.

Don’t know if that helps or not?

You really need to understand why.

Is this a physical or mental health issue? Or is it personal to your relationship, and based on your feelings towards him?

It may help to see your GP and rule out (or otherwise) a health issue. And perhaps some counselling (on your own) to unpick if it's a relationship thing.

It isn't fair (on either of you) to leave it hanging. You should never have sex you don't want, but I can also understand why he wouldn't want to commit to a relationship where there will be little or no physical intimacy (and no understanding of why).

You probably need to set each other free. If he keeps threatening to leave and you are so repulsed by him it’s time to call it a day

I really think that if he wants to stay with you, he needs to be nicer to you. You freeze up when it comes to sex so he shuts you out emotionally? That's 'I'm not going to cuddle you unless you let me put my penis inside you.' It's gross. It doesn't take your feelings into consideration at all.

Has he asked you, in a caring way, what's up? If there's something he could be doing differently? If he's unwittingly hurt you, somehow? Or did he just switch off?

@TheFoundation

I really think that if he wants to stay with you, he needs to be nicer to you. You freeze up when it comes to sex so he shuts you out emotionally? That's 'I'm not going to cuddle you unless you let me put my penis inside you.' It's gross. It doesn't take your feelings into consideration at all.

Has he asked you, in a caring way, what's up? If there's something he could be doing differently? If he's unwittingly hurt you, somehow? Or did he just switch off?

This what he's doing is awful and he would have been able to tell you weren't enjoying yourself and he would have known you were upset and crying afterwards.

He didn't care. There's a word for men who have sex like that!

Enthusiastic consent is a real thing and your partner should care about you and never want sex with you unless you are enthusiastically consenting.

I went off sex, my husband at the time was an awful bully about it. It got worse and worse over the years. I left him because of the arguing and threats in front of our child. He tried to get me to go to sex therapy, I genuinely thought I was broken, faulty, why didn’t I want to have sex with my husband….. turned out I was being abused and he undermined the foundation of our relationship so I was in survival mode and I simply didn’t love him. My body and my mind simple said no and there was nothing I could do. I cried when I gave in at times.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years and It’s safe to say I’m a totally different person because I feel safe, body and mind. It’s amazing what the wrong person can do.

That’s extreme so not saying that’s the problem, could be any number of things.

Also sometimes relationships just meet a natural end. We seem to put so much emphasis on death till we part and continue in unhappy relationships.

Please stop thinking of yourself as an awful partner

You have gone off sex with him for a reason, you're not doing it to be nasty to him.

Quite honestly not wanting sex is normally a sign of stress over something else.
I really loved my ex husband but after 20 years of him going on and on and on about sex and no effort of my part ever being enough and other acts of appalling selfishness such as never doing 50/50 round the home and not caring when I was ill - I had to have a couple of serious operations, I just stopped having sex with him.
After 6 months he left saying our 20 year marriage was a sham not realising that he had caused this.
If all you are to your OH is a vagina I'd dump him. Women need more than this to feel like having sex. We need to feel loved as well.

I understand this. My sex drive has completely gone (perimenopause) but on top of that, with DP it had become nothing more than another chore anyway. He won't so much as hug without expecting to be intimately touched seconds later so I stopped that ages ago. We do it simply for his relief and I make excuses not to as much as I can. I hate it and it can't be great for him. Needless to say, we don't talk about it at all. I really regret getting into this rut and not prioritising my needs. If you don't have kids then think about leaving.

@sassbott I had the exact same thing!! OP, I didn't read your post and think you sounded like a bad partner but I came away thinking your fiancé is manipulative and abusive. He knows you want cuddles and affection so he withholds it until he gets sex. This is not the behaviour of someone who cares about you and your feelings. If you want it to work I would suggest couples counselling as this is something the two of you should want to fix together, but to be honest I wish I had left my husband when I started to feel like this instead of having 5 further years of misery.

@Shoobydooer

The not talking about it is something you can rectify any time, though, as is stopping doing something you don't want to do.

What stops you a) talking and b) respecting the feeling that you simply don't want to have sex with him?

It is hard to tell from your post - was this a gradual thing based on exhaustion, busy lives, other things? Or did you just wake up one day and not want sex any more?

Either way, it's understandable if he's not super happy but it's useful to understand whether it might be about bigger issues with yourself and/or the relationship or if there's a physical reason. If it's bigger issues to do with you and the relationship, you and he need to explore. And if it stopped very suddenly and it might be physical then you should get to the bottom of that for yourself.

I think he thinks no sexual means what's the point in showing me any affection

Then he is the awful partner if he views love as a weapon to force you into sex.
He's not a decent man and you are no longer sexually attracted to him.

Its time to end this relationship.

[quote TheFoundation]@Shoobydooer

The not talking about it is something you can rectify any time, though, as is stopping doing something you don't want to do.

What stops you a) talking and b) respecting the feeling that you simply don't want to have sex with him?[/quote]
You are right of course and those are valid questions. We are very shut off from each other for many reasons and both repress a lot. I learned to live with it but am starting to worry about what kind of example it is to DCs.

With regards to sex, before peri I didn't want it with him but still had a libido. Now it just gives me the ick in every conceivable way and I don't think about it at all. I suppose I could look into HRT or something, but to be honest I simply don't want to. Jason Momoa could walk in shirtless right now and I'd cringe

Could it be early menopause, OP?

Resentment is the biggest killer of libido in my opinion.

It's very science-y but I think the book Come as you are by Emily Nagoski might help if you're a reader. I found it for unrelated reasons, but baring any major relationship issues, it might help!!

Hello, very nice to find this thread! Reassuring to hear as I’ve got the ick about sex too. Post menopause and on tamoxifen, one boob and a cervix that’s trying to escape and I just can’t rustle up the sex goddess crap on demand. Mine is the same as you shoobeydoer I give him a slightest hug and it’s straight in with pawing the bosom. No thought of affection or a hug. I have told him but he doesn’t get it. So he doesn’t get it!😂
I gave up wearing lipstick as he seemed to think that was code for shag me sensless big boy.
Ugh. Oh and Jason momoa just wandered through the bedroom with a winning smile, discarding his shirt ..and all i can think of is….not more bloody ironing😂

I felt like this - for years - but we’d never had an amazing sex life anyway. I knew, deep down, I wasn’t attracted to him (he’s a fair bit older) and it was silently eating away at me inside. I lived in a sexless marriage for well over a decade and couldn’t stand him near me. We were just friends, nothing more.
Let’s just say my head was turned and I knew I wasn’t dead sexually - I am a very passionate person but has been with someone who didn’t light that passion (if you see what I mean). I ended my marriage after 23 years. Wish I had done it sooner instead of keeping everyone else happy.
You know when attraction isn’t there.

I've been with dh for 19 years, our sex life has been through various phases of frequency including patches worse than yours. Life does that, kids, health, stress... Whatever. The first time was a bit of an adjustment as the lack of physical closeness combined with what was going on at the time made us feel distant, but we talked, honestly and listened and agreed while it lasted we could maintain the closeness in other ways and just be patient for things to get back on an even keel. Now whenever it's not happening as much as we /he would like dh and I keep up the little things like eye contact and platonic affection, if we do have sex there is plenty of time and mutual consideration... and when the cause passes we're back in business. I'm telling you this so you know that it's what a caring redone looks like and normal men do this and consider it a normal way to love their partner.
Just getting angry cos the sex tap has been turned off and punishing the person with anger is not the act of someone who loves the person and cares about what is going on.
Loads of things can derail sex life, that's to be expected in life generally unless you're very lucky I think most people have something like this at some point, everything from bereavement to medication to kids, loads of things, if you can't get through it without a supportive trainsit suggests to me he feels entitled to your services and this is a horrible view of have of someone you are going to marry. You're a living person and if you marry each other life IS going to happen and you need to respond to it with sensitivity and care not anger, disinterest in the causes and blame.
Don't think this problem is you, I think his without one dimensional - ness is a big part of the issue.... Maybe your subconscious is aware of more than you have been able to admit and perhaps the looming marriage is triggering this alarm call.

At the very least, based on how utterly disinterested in what you might be feeling I would say don't have kids with this guy, unless it all goes perfectly you'll be on your own (unsupported emotionally I mean)

Urgh annoying typos. Sorry hope you got the gist