Attempting no contact after (?) 15 year relationship. Hand Hold needed.

[whenthathurtinyourhearthasgone]

We've been together 15 years. 1 DC together. Strangely as it may look to the outside, never lived together but spent about 4 nights a week together and our DC does 60/40. We both own our homes, I sold my old home and bought mine in the next street from him and are fiercly independent and my older DD didn't get on with him. So that's why.

We have had our rough patches but actually things were mostly good and plenty of love. I suppose some issues do just go round and round though. Mainly I never felt emotionally supported enough and also we disagree on parenting at times.

So we had quite a big disagreement over a parenting issue just before new year. We would usually hash it out after a few days of ignoring but it's been 3 weeks and both of us only contacting about the basics over our DC.

At first I was OK but I am now really feeling it. I suffer from really severe PTSD anyway, and this has made me feel awful. I am struggling to function tbh. .

I refuse to give in first, because although the argument regarding parenting could have been seen from both sides, he basically ignored me when I had covid over new year. I told him I had covid and that's it, he never asked since or during even how I was (he's a covid denier).

I noticed he joined twitter after new year and he has started being on there all day, debating with people. He's followed a few women with onlyfans accounts. He's been debating over hours with one woman about philosophy (not only fans).

I feel like screaming at him why are you putting all your energy into talking to these women when you won't even talk to your partner of 15 years who's been with you thick and thin and put up with so much.

Please no judgy comments. The 'norm' isn't what works for some people and it has genuinely worked for us for many years, it definitely wasn't a loveless or disconnected relationship at all and the DC were genuinely ok with the set up. We work and don't claim or anything either.

I am just struggling so, so much. My mental health is shot as it is because I had an extremely traumatic childhood.

Is anyone else trying not to contact?

I have no idea if this is the end or not. We broke up for 3 months once and 1 month another time (2014 and 2016), but this is the longest we've not communicated. Except from the essentials around DC (we don't have to see each other at all, DC is 12)

Sounds stressful. But you don't have to sit waiting to see if it's the end or not - I would take a couple of days to decide whether YOU would like it to continue or not (maybe the onlyfans was a deal-breaker) and then bring it up with him. A large part of your distress (understandably) sounds like it comes from having no control over the situation and watching his online life play out from the sidelines. I'd take back some control. Even if it's just pinning him down so you know it's over from his point of view, then you can start making plans.

As far as I know, he's not actually subscribed to any women on only fans. He's talking to a lot of people on twitter, some are women who have their only fans links on their twitter bio. Talking about philosophy and politics .

I am really hurt and something inside me is telling me not to make the first move this time.

It sounds pathetic maybe. I guess we both can be avoidant.

Not pathetic - it's a normal response to feeling hurt and rejected. But you do have to ask yourself if it's serving you to passively wait to see what he says; what's the end goal of this. The first move doesn't have to be a grovelling apology, it can be a chin up 'enough of this nonsense, let's tackle this head on and decide where to go from here' sort of thing. But you need to know whether you want to continue this first. It doesn't sound very healthy tbh...

He's a covid denier - that would be it for me without all the rest of it.