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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am always the outsider

20 replies

AlwaysOutside · 19/01/2022 21:03

Anyone else feel like this? It's hard to put into words, but I am literally be always the outsider?

I just seem unable to form proper relationships with people. I have friends but I'm still outside. At work I get on with everyone but only superficially. Final straw was tonight, in a group online I said something and everyone just jumped on me. This happens all the time, I just say the wrong thing, even though it wasn't anything bad. I have a partner, but he's an oddball too, although I love him and we have a reasonable relationship.

I have a diagnosis of ADHD, but I'm not convinced it's correct. Tonight I feel so alone

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysOutside · 19/01/2022 21:06

Also it's always worse online. Face to face people seem to at least like me a bit, I think I come across wrong online. I am the original thread killer Sad

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/01/2022 21:09

That sounds difficult. Can you get your partner to look at your online comms and see if he can spot where things could be better?

Malhao · 19/01/2022 21:10

I can totally empathise, I even feel like the odd one out amongst my family

Hugs

blessedbethechocolate · 19/01/2022 21:19

Hello from a fellow outsider. I never seem to fit anywhere. I don't cause arguments or anything I just think I'm a bit meh!

Original poster
AlwaysOutside · 19/01/2022 21:19

Me too! @Malhao Not with my DP and DC but definitely with my parents and siblings, I am undoubtedly the outsider.

@AnneLovesGilbert He has actually done that before and can't see anything wrong, but he's not quite normal either!

Thanks for replies, much appreciated!

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysOutside · 19/01/2022 21:21

@blessedbethechocolate hello fellow outsider! It's strange, I don't cause arguments either, I'm just...I don't know!!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/01/2022 21:40

Do you want to say more about this latest thing and see if anyone can give you some insight?

Original poster
AlwaysOutside · 19/01/2022 21:48

It was nothing really. I shared something someone had sent to me that I thought might be of interest to this particular group, and one prominent member jumped on it and pointed out something wrong and everyone else followed him and I was just left feeling like a total idiot. Maybe I am being oversensitive, but it just felt like the final straw. I was already out of my comfort zone posting in the group.

Hope that makes sense

OP posts:
Farrandau · 19/01/2022 22:16

In fairness, OP, it’s perfectly possible to post something entirely humdrum on Mn and have a massive pile-on, and for it to be nothing at all to do with what was said.

But you say it’s a pattern?

Annettebee · 19/01/2022 23:49

This is classic adhd, I was recently diagnosed and I know this kind of experience well.
Have you tried medication? It was life changing for me.

2Rebecca · 20/01/2022 00:29

Was it a spam warning of the "beware this awful thing may happen" type. If someone shares that sort of stuff in a group and I google it and find out it's nonsense I'd point that out so other people don't panic unnecessarily. I'd stick to just posting stuff you know is true not internet stories from other people.

coffeeisthebest · 20/01/2022 09:22

I am currently reading Scattered Mind by Gabor Mate and he talks about this feeling in there, and that it is rooted in childhood, whether we are consciously aware of it or not. I have always felt the same. Can you consider that someone else might have posted the same as you and got the same responses but not taken it as a personal attack but just a difference of opinion? Which is what is was. But it's hard to tune into that when you already feel outside. So I get that too. You're not alone though, regardless of how you feel. Take care OP

Gilda152 · 20/01/2022 18:50

I get piled onto on MN alllll the time, but that's because I sometimes have a contentious view to the rest of the vibe of the thread. I don't care. I think that's the best approach to have. Not everyone will like you whether it be online or IRL , and that's not because you're an outsider as such it's just because you've not found your perfect groove yet. Believe me when I say , everyone has felt like this at some point in their life, so that in itself means you are part of a collective of worldwide people who get exactly what you mean.

Myamoth · 20/01/2022 19:44

Sorry you're feeling so alone Sad A lot of us know exactly how you feel. Everything is ok and then you say/post something that has people looking at you as if you have two heads. You never seem to really connect properly with people. I don't try much anymore, I am withdrawing more as I get older. On the plus side DP, older kids and a few extras now are all the same, we're all just a bit odd. Some of us have diagnosed NDs, some don't but probably should have, home is our little "safe bubble" where we can just be, with no judgement. You have the same with your DP. Don't be hard on yourself, what that group did sounds pretty rude really so don't waste your time on them. You are definitely not alone, we are all on the outside with you, wishing you well Smile

OrinTakesFlight · 21/01/2022 17:45

I very much get what you are saying and I feel the same. I posted on here once when my mum had just died. Other people get told 'sorry your mum died'. I got told by Attillathemeerkat I was a golden child and horrible.

OrinTakesFlight · 21/01/2022 17:48

To be clear, I wasn't saying my mum was nice, she had been cruel, but I was grieving.

Mum78911 · 22/01/2022 23:06

I think sometimes people can sense a lack of confidence so you're an easy target for them. I've never understood what drives people like that. That sounds very unkind of them Orin. I hope you are ok.

bubbleblower85 · 23/01/2022 00:00

Yes, I am an outsider in my own family, was the outsider with ex and his family, now outsider with husband and his family.

Only my baby has given me a sense of what it's like to finally be wanted and loved.

I am likeable enough in that in my work places people have liked me ( two different work place colleagues still keep in touch) but for some reason can't make any meaningful friendships, can't seem to find my tribe!!

Epiphanies · 23/01/2022 00:02

Hey I have adhd. Look up Rejection Sensitivity dysphoria. I'm pretty friendless really too. But tonight my teen DD said 'mum you're not like other mums, but I'm glad' which was one of the best things anyone has ever said to me.
Honesty I'm always too nerdy or talkative or outdoorsy or I don't know the latest thing on Netflix or I put my foot in it. Honestly though I'm really starting to not give a sh*t anymore nearing 50 it gets tons easier. I find a lot of other people annoying!

Epiphanies · 23/01/2022 00:04

@Mum78911 is right. The people with the least of anything are always the most critical. Its insecurities. That's why getting older it gets easier as slowly everyone stops giving a sh*t.

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