Any advice please

[Pentiumgold]

I know I will get flamed for this but I'm sincerely sorry for my actions and want positive suggestions only please.
At the start of covid I was in a bad place, think MH of myself, and MH which also affected my dying father and 2 of my 3 dd's.
My husband was also depressed and shut me out, no communication, affection or sex.
I needed something- long story short met a guy online for sex twice. DH found out immediately. He decided to stay with me but 2 years on can't be affectionate to me and is suspicious of every move I make, making my life absolute hell. I've had enough and have asked him to either stay or go.
I 100% want him to stay but it has to be his choice, the wanting to be with me and then not is not something that I can live with for the rest of my life

There's no point either of you staying in a relationship that's not making either of you happy. I can't see it ever becoming happy now. I would take the initiative and end it.

You either need to try sort it or seperate. Go to couples therapy.

For me the damage is done when someone is unfaithful. I was your OH, couldn't bare to be near him but couldn't separate either. We eventually did as I did realise I deserved better.

Why do you 100% want him to stay? Because you genuinely have a fabulous relationship, a lot of love for each other, are each other’s support in time of need, and create a great team together? Or because of habit, because you’ve been together for so long and can’t imagine what your life might look like on your own?

Because as you each shut the other out when you most needed it, failed to be each other’s support and you looked for attention, affection, comfort, whatever elsewhere - I’m guessing it’s the latter rather than the former.

It doesn’t sound as though either of you is making the other happy and that it’s been that way for some time. Infidelity takes a lot to get past when it was an accidental blip in an otherwise solid relationship. Your relationship doesn’t sound as though it was solid to begin with, which is going to make working through everything even harder. Have you considered a trial separation to give both of you some space to decide whether you want to be in the relationship anymore?

Did you have any counselling together at the time? If not, would you consider it now?

Trust doesn't just magically come back, you both have to work for it.

BTW I was told by a family lawyer that after 2 years of still being together after the end of an affair, it's no longer grounds for divorce - it's deemed to be "accepted" (or maybe she used a different word, but that was the gist.) That was 15 odd years ago though so might have changed.

Thanks for your replies, chatted more last night and he is so confused. Says he loves me and will learn to regain trust but the fear of betrayal will always be there.
I think we need to invest in counselling