Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does it matter who files for divorce first?

10 replies

bravegirl3 · 19/01/2022 18:09

We are seperated - he is abusive however not able to do anything for himself.

We have both said we want a divorce however I am not in any rush as I've got a lot of my plate with having to find somewhere new to live. I left, 3dcs staying at my mums house. It's stressful.

However I do want to divorce. I just wondered if it's best to be the person who files for divorce?

I am pretty certain I'll be entitled to legal aid due to being a carer for my disabled son and out of work currently.

OP posts:
sorrysaywhatnow · 19/01/2022 18:16

If you wait until April you can file a 'no fault' divorce, where the other party can't contest it. That way you don't have to aportion blame or cite reasons etc.

Original poster
bravegirl3 · 19/01/2022 18:44

@sorrysaywhatnow

If you wait until April you can file a 'no fault' divorce, where the other party can't contest it. That way you don't have to aportion blame or cite reasons etc.
Yes I knew this! Thanks for the reminder. That honestly sounds much better and was the time I was thinking about doing it
OP posts:
tootiredtobother · 19/01/2022 18:47

i think at the moment, whoever files first pays the fee.

Southbound15 · 19/01/2022 23:09

Yes - whoever files first has most control of the process, particularly when divorcing a controlling partner better to be the one to get in first!

TeaOnTheMountain · 19/01/2022 23:35

@Southbound15

Yes - whoever files first has most control of the process, particularly when divorcing a controlling partner better to be the one to get in first!
When you say “have more control of the process” what does that actually mean in practise?
Jsku · 19/01/2022 23:49

There isn’t much ‘controlling the process’ in reality. If you are using solicitors - both can try to control certain steps.
The only control is getting the ball rolling.
But if you both agree the divorce is inevitable - who files first doesn’t matter for the process or the outcome.

AlwaysinaFlap · 19/01/2022 23:56

@tootiredtobother

i think at the moment, whoever files first pays the fee.
but judge can order that to be paid by other party
Cazsle · 15/07/2025 04:07

I have just noticed that on my divorce certificate I have been called the Persuer and my ex husband the Defender and it was actually the other way round. I left him so I had no objection when he decided after 4 years to divorce me but I have a feeling that he had a hand in this and I can’t think why ? He’s an underhand sort of person so I definitely think there was a reason it worked to his advantage and I was definitely in a very vulnerable position when the divorce was being processed. Now 21 years later I am looking into the situation regarding the pension attachment(s) awarded in the divorce agreement which is how I noticed this discrepancy on the certificate. Does anyone know anything that might help me figure this out because I have a feeling I was manipulated but I don’t know why?

OneLemonGuide · 15/07/2025 06:17

AlwaysinaFlap · 19/01/2022 23:56

@tootiredtobother

i think at the moment, whoever files first pays the fee.
but judge can order that to be paid by other party

If cash is tight, then the fact a judge takes that into account months/years down the line when you agree financial settlement is little comfort.

If you have a joint account, it can just come from there…. And if not, given you both agree on the need to divorce, can’t one pay the other half, or you just don’t pay for something else…. though if things are really toxic, i appreciate that may not be possible.

OneLemonGuide · 15/07/2025 06:21

Cazsle · 15/07/2025 04:07

I have just noticed that on my divorce certificate I have been called the Persuer and my ex husband the Defender and it was actually the other way round. I left him so I had no objection when he decided after 4 years to divorce me but I have a feeling that he had a hand in this and I can’t think why ? He’s an underhand sort of person so I definitely think there was a reason it worked to his advantage and I was definitely in a very vulnerable position when the divorce was being processed. Now 21 years later I am looking into the situation regarding the pension attachment(s) awarded in the divorce agreement which is how I noticed this discrepancy on the certificate. Does anyone know anything that might help me figure this out because I have a feeling I was manipulated but I don’t know why?

Presumably if you never noticed at the time, and it didn’t impact on the settlement (and I can’t see how it would have), then does it matter? What had he actually manipulated?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page