I just want to share my story here because I have nobody to talk to about it and I feel like I just want to get it out (sorry it’s quite long and thank you for reading if you have!)
I’ve been with my husband for 15 years since we were 18, we’ve been married for 4 years and we have an almost 3 year old son. He’s the only person I’ve ever been with. Only person I’ve ever kissed! For the past year and a half I’ve felt quite unhappy in my relationship and in turmoil about what to do about it. I found becoming a mum really quite difficult, much more than I thought I would, and I think I was quite naive about how much it would change things. I feel like it took me a while to get to a place where I felt like I enjoyed it and like I was doing a good job, as for so long I just felt like I wasn’t either, as horrible as that sounds. My husband works quite long hours and lockdown was particularly difficult because I had just started back at work and then I had to work from home whilst looking after my son at the same time. It was so stressful. Now, I feel like I have such a wonderful relationship with my son, we’re so close. He’s hard work at times but he really is the best part of my life and I love him so much I get emotional just thinking about it.
During that time (first lockdown), I became quite close with a male colleague. He was really supportive with work as I just felt like I was failing so much and he helped me a lot. I sort of don’t think I’d have got through it without him. Anyway, we just chatted a lot and discovered that we had quite a lot in common. Bearing in mind this is someone I’d known and worked with for a couple of years before this point. For a long time it was all very innocent and we were just friends even though in the back of my mind I knew I was developing some kind of feelings for him which took me by surprise tbh. I’ve made some mistakes (lied about messaging him when I’d told my husband I wouldn’t anymore), and we’ve spoken about liking each other but nothing physical has happened between us. I’ve tried to distance myself from him, and have, but I feel like the experience has had an impact. I felt things that I’d never really felt with my husband and it got me looking back at my life and I think if I’m being painfully honest with myself I’ve always felt like something wasn’t right between us. He’s a good guy, he has faults like everyone but he isn’t abusive or anything. There was a point about 4 years into our relationship where I felt like I wanted to be on my own because I felt like I was missing out but I didn’t want to upset him so I stayed with him and eventually those feelings of wanting to be on my own went away, but now I’m wondering if I just pushed them down. Sexually, I feel like we’ve never really been that compatible and it’s something that we’ve talked about throughout our whole relationship. I’ve never had sexual urges towards him really, and I always just thought it was me, that that’s how I was. Don’t get me wrong, I felt affection towards him but it was always just more that I wanted to cuddle with him instead. He’s always felt like that towards me so there’s always been an imbalance there and I think now, I did know back then deep deep down that it wasn’t right but I pushed the thought away. We’ve never really had a great sex life and it sounds awful but there were times when I almost felt like I had to do it, like it was a duty, and afterwards I’d feel relief like “ah won’t have to do it again for a little while”. I did enjoy sex sometimes but a lot of the time I felt like I wasn’t “into it” and I honestly felt like I could probably live without it. Anyway, I know sex is only one side of a relationship and not the most important thing and I think that’s what I always told myself. I feel like since having a child I’ve changed quite a lot and in a way it’s “made” me. I feel like I know myself more and I know I’m strong and capable (I’ve always struggled with self confidence, and still do). Now, I feel like I don’t really want to spend any time with my husband one on one, I’d rather just do my own thing. I feel like we’re not interested in the same things, and tbh sometimes I find him quite boring.
With the work guy, I feel like we have quite a strong physical and emotional connection. I never really click with people but I always have with him, and it always used to feel like it was just on a friend level but now it’s definitely more. I’ve been feeling like this for about a year and a half now and at this point I only see him at work (3 days a week), and rarely at that because we don’t work in the same team anymore, and we don’t talk outside of work either, and even with that little contact I still feel like that.
Cut to the dilemma. I feel like a terrible person for feeling this way, and I’m so scared of hurting our son or negatively impacting his life in any way, but I also know that I’m the best mum when I’m the happiest.
I’ve spoken to my husband about this, I first spoke to him about a year and a half ago so he’s aware of how I feel and at first he put a lot of emphasis on work guy which I understand. And tbh, it wouldn’t feel right to me if I left him just because I like someone else. I know there’s more to it than that, and this experience with him has just opened my eyes. I always used to feel terrified of being alone but I don’t feel like that anymore. I keep asking myself if work guy wasn’t in the picture would I feel the same, and I think I would.
Has anyone been in this situation before, or something similar?
I hate that I’m hurting my husband because I do obviously care about him and don’t want to hurt him but I also feel like to keep him happy I’d have to not be true to myself. Reading about Adele’s feelings around her divorce really rang true with me. I came from a broken family and I was always determined that would never happen to my children, and I think I’ve always focused more on the way my life looks/ticking boxes almost.