Tips for exploring dressing up in the bedroom

KirstenBlest · 19/01/2022 13:51

Would you ask him to dress in a sexy outfit for your pleasure?

Bin him

Original poster

Sez143 · 19/01/2022 13:55

@KirstenBlest

Would you ask him to dress in a sexy outfit for your pleasure?

Bin him

Interesting. I suppose I just see it as something a lot of people do and I'm just being a bit of a prude and need to get over it!

OP posts:

Notanotherchange · 19/01/2022 13:57

I think an open dialogue about what you want in bed is a good thing. I dont think him asking you to dress up is a bad thing, but every person is different.

Is there a way you can make it comfortable? Go shopping and see if you can find things you feel comfortable in. Lingerie comes in all styles and shapes, try and make it fun for you too.

I enjoy dressing up, I usually have the underwear on under my normal clothes or wait for him in bed in it, sometimes I answer the door to him in it you don't have to make changing into it a big deal if you dont want to.

KilmordenCastle · 19/01/2022 14:05

Wear it under your clothes. The whole "let me slip into something more comfortable" is incredibly cringy for me too but DH likes the nice surprise of me just casually getting undressed at bed time and I've got sexy new underwear on.

But ultimately don't do anything that you don't feel comfortable doing. And if he's pressuring you to do something that you really don't want to then it's time to question the relationship tbh.

KilmordenCastle · 19/01/2022 14:10

I've just realised you might mean actual "dressing up" (naughty nurse etc) as opposed to sexy underwear in which case I have no advice because I've always found that too cringy so it's been a flat "NO" from me 🤣

KirstenBlest · 19/01/2022 14:13

Of course you aren't a prude.

It's one thing wearing nice underwear that makes you feel sexy and attractive and another to dress up in outfits just because he wants it

Tailsyflugbun · 19/01/2022 14:14

I agree that the 'naughty nurse' type dressing up would make me cringe. If I wanted to go into acting I would have joined equity.
Lingerie is a different matter. It's much easier if you get into the habit of wearing lingerie anyway, then you won't feel like you're putting it on just for him.

Chikapu · 19/01/2022 14:15

Should I be doing things for my partner that make me feel uncomfortable? He says I should be willing and want to do it to for him and to see him happy....I also realise this is probably pretty tame in the grand scheme of things so maybe I need to just suck it up and go for it?

His whole narrative around this is very wrong. If you say it makes you uncomfortable and you don't want to do it he should accept that and not try to blackmail you with 'happiness' being more important than your comfort.
I'm not saying there shouldn't be a bit of give and take but it has to come from you because you want to try not because he's a big sulky baby if he doesn't get his way.

Bluebluemoon39 · 19/01/2022 14:16

The red flag for me is He says I should be willing and want to do it to for him and to see him happy..

No decent person would say this to their partner.

He's basically telling you that if you don't do what he wants, you're not making him happy. Even if it makes you highly uncomfortable,

You might want to have a think about that..

Wreath21 · 19/01/2022 14:16

There will be a lot of posters telling you that he is a disgusting porn addict and how DARE he ask you to do anything at all etc. And there will be others telling you that you should be willing to please your man or he will leave you. Neither approach is helpful.

Overall, of course, no one should feel they have to do things that they dislike in order to please a partner - doesn't matter how many other people like eg oral sex or doing it in the shower rather than the bedroom or whatever. When it comes to sexy bedroom wear though, there are a few things to consider. One is the fact that women, particularly, are bombarded with propaganda to the effect that their bodies are wrong, unlovable, imperfect and that they must suffer to improve themselves, which can make some women feel that there is no point buying or wearing attractive underwear unless/until they have 'perfected' their actual bodies. This isn't helped by some companies only making nice underwear for thin bodies or, if they make larger sizes, emphasising that the larger-sized items cover/disguise your 'faults'.
Then there is your partner's approach. You're the one who actually knows him - do you think he is asking you to do things to please him regardless of what you enjoy, or could he be trying to encourage you to believe that your body is lovely, that he finds you attractive, and he doesn't want to listen to you going on about how unlovely you are and how you hate your body and don't believe he likes it?

Chikapu · 19/01/2022 14:16

*his happiness.

Chelsea26 · 19/01/2022 14:19

@KirstenBlest

Would you ask him to dress in a sexy outfit for your pleasure?

Bin him

I ask my partner to dress up for me…

Wavypurple · 19/01/2022 14:20

If you’re not comfortable with something don’t do it. Also you shouldn’t be ‘willing’ to do something you’re not comfortable with just to turn him on. What a dick.

Ask him if he’s interested in pegging and see what his response is. Shouldn’t he be willing to see you happy? 🙄 will probably put things into perspective for him.

I was very very keen on dressing up in the bedroom and my boyfriend wasn’t too bothered. I dressed up and we were both laughing the entire time, it was so cringe and ridiculous to both of us. It was something both of us were consenting to and willing to try.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 19/01/2022 14:22

You shouldn't have to do anything you don't want to do but in my view trying new things and gently pushing comfort zones is great fun and important to keep a sex lite fresh.
Do you mean nice underwear? Or kinky outfits? They are a different thing. Nice underwear can be put on under clothes. If he wants you to wear kinky outfits I would suggest you pick it out together and make an exciting thing about how you're going to try it on for him at a certain time etc. it's good fun if you can be open and joyful about it and don't take yourself too seriously :)

AutisticLegoLover · 19/01/2022 14:28

No. Unless you want to wear the red flag bunting that has appeared with this request. Never ever do anything sexually that you don't want to just to make him happy. Time to end this relationship because he doesn't respect you or your boundaries.

LightSpeeds · 19/01/2022 14:28

@Chikapu

Should I be doing things for my partner that make me feel uncomfortable? He says I should be willing and want to do it to for him and to see him happy....I also realise this is probably pretty tame in the grand scheme of things so maybe I need to just suck it up and go for it?

His whole narrative around this is very wrong. If you say it makes you uncomfortable and you don't want to do it he should accept that and not try to blackmail you with 'happiness' being more important than your comfort.
I'm not saying there shouldn't be a bit of give and take but it has to come from you because you want to try not because he's a big sulky baby if he doesn't get his way.

Agree with this ^^ and how he seems to be approaching it.

I'd be expecting to have a positive conversation with my partner about what we both want and feel comfortable with, not feeling I'm expected to do something that makes me feel uncomfortable and objectified.

Dressing up can be exciting so give it a go. But if it's all about him and you don't enjoy it then you have some talking and thinking to do.

Momijin · 19/01/2022 14:32

I dated someone who loved it and though at the beginning it felt a bit odd, I actually really enjoyed it. I didn't like Anne summers stuff but got some really nice outfits from lovehoney. It made me more confident about showing my body as I felt I could hide the bits I didn't like.

headunderthewater · 19/01/2022 15:10

It comes pretty clear from what you write that you don’t want to, so don’t.
You son’t ever have to do something you don’t want to.

Also, you’re not a prude.
That is some seriously misogynistic garbage.

And to add, he’s very wrong saying to you that this is something your supposed to want to do for him.
So wrong!
Red flag!

2catsandhappy · 19/01/2022 15:49

Baby steps. Privacy of your own home and locked doors.
Just think about it. Consider it. Take some time.
Clearly he is knob for the 'willing' and 'want' comments. When I was given a request, I used to say, "I am not saying no, I just need some time to think about it."
If he pushes the timeline, tell him to back off!

Theoscargoesto · 19/01/2022 16:07

There was a thread some time go on the sex board where someone asked for ideas to dress up that were not just nurses/naughty nuns outfits.

One suggestion was a Dalek outfit. Still makes me giggle.

I’ll get my coat……

hivemindneeded · 19/01/2022 16:19

Find stuff you feel good in. Not scratchy nylon lace three sizes too small, but well-fitted silk or satin. Wear a long draped kimono over the top if you are self conscious. And light candles so the view is softened and you don't feel exposed.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/01/2022 17:38

Fine for him to ask if you can try something sexual together.

Important, so so so important, for you to say no and that you're not comfortable.

Unacceptable and coercive for him to do the teenage 'if you really loved me you would...' and 'if you really wanted to make me happy you would...' when he knows you're uncomfortable and don't want to.

Reverse roles. Can you imagine being turned on by your partner doing stuff you know they don't really want to do, just because you've persuaded them by saying if they really love you they will? Could you enjoy someone doing something sexual that made them uncomfortable? Decent blokes don't enjoy that.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/01/2022 17:39

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Fine for him to ask if you can try something sexual together.

Important, so so so important, for you to say no and that you're not comfortable.

Unacceptable and coercive for him to do the teenage 'if you really loved me you would...' and 'if you really wanted to make me happy you would...' when he knows you're uncomfortable and don't want to.

Reverse roles. Can you imagine being turned on by your partner doing stuff you know they don't really want to do, just because you've persuaded them by saying if they really love you they will? Could you enjoy someone doing something sexual that made them uncomfortable? Decent blokes don't enjoy that.

This is based on the following comment from OP, which I can only think some other people have missed?

Should I be doing things for my partner that make me feel uncomfortable? He says I should be willing and want to do it to for him and to see him happy...

Ionlydomassiveones · 19/01/2022 17:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Heartbeats0708 · 19/01/2022 18:36

Agree that the way he's pushed for it is bad and red flaggy with the willing and want.
As an aside though, I find it helpful to unpick my feelings around issues like this. Am I cringing about it because it makes me uncomfortable? No I'm not doing it. Is it because I feel self conscious? Maybe it would build my confidence and might be worth a try.