Should I not sext him?

[Earlgrey19]

About 4 months in to new relationship. Last year it started with something of a fling, and there was a lot of sexting at one stage and very hot, very spontaneous sex. It wasn’t quite the right time for a proper relationship back then with too much going on, but now we feel it is, we’ve entered into something that feels much deeper together and we want to be in a committed relationship with each other. Sex still amazing but has calmed down and is always in the context of already in bed after watching TV in bed, not more spontaneous .

This morning I thought I’d try a little light sexting and sent him some photos of sexy knickers in an online lingerie shop and said which ones? He replied with a joke about it and didn’t sext back. Feel a bit disappointed. Do you think he doesn’t want me to sext? I’d like to be partners who are excited about each other sexually too, not just either (a fling) or (non sexy) partner, if you see what I mean…

I don't think a photo of knickers in a shop is sexting. There's loads of reasons why he didn't respond with a flirty reply. He might have thought you were joking, he might be busy, not in the mood, might be shy etc. Maybe he needs a bit more prompting to start sexting and you need to be a bit more forward?

Where was he when you were texting - commuting to work/at work/getting ready for work?

Maybe it just wasn't an appropriate time for him?

Sounds like he's not so into you as he was at the start. Could there be any reason for this (e.g. stress in his life)?

Yes, good point. I think maybe I’m feeling actually a bit shyer and more self conscious about sexting now it’s a real relationship, though want to at the same time.

I think 4 months in I'd expect a better response than a joke if there'd been previous sexting, to be honest...

Hmm, feeling a bit down about it. He is under significant stress at the moment, as am I in a different arena, but I guess I feel sad that if the sexual spontaneity has gone at this stage then will hard to get it back. But perhaps I’m being unreasonable or focusing on negative too much as the sex itself is really good, and we both feel that.

Easiest way to solve this is to say something to him. You dont have to complain but can say something like....you love how things are now but you also loved the spontaneity and flirtation.?

What was his actual joke / reply because just a picture of pants in a shop with ‘which ones?’ I wouldn’t personally see as ‘sexting’

I imagine you wanted a reply of ‘will you wear them later?’ Or similar but he may have just literally taken it at face value or have been busy etc and not really paid full attention.

His joke could easily be him testing the water to see where you were going with it but maybe you didn’t give him the reaction he was hoping for.

If you want to get back some spontaneity why not buy the pants and then when you see him, give him a quick flash and say ‘I bought the pants…’ in a flirty / let’s rip each other’s clothes off way.

I do think you have to talk to him about how you’re feeling and needing some of that past hot and heaviness back rather than just expecting him to feel the same with no discussion and then being upset when he doesn’t react the way you’d hoped.

Yes, thanks @MimiSunshine & supercali.

His joke was ‘are they for you or for me?’. Then he said ‘l like white’ (the lingerie was black). Then he sent two photos of obviously very ugly, unsexy underwear with loads of designer branding as another joke as he often makes fun of himself for being obsessed with designer branding.

Yeah, I guess I will talk to him. Or try some spontaneity tactics not involving texts!

His you or me joke could easily have been intended to mean something you’d wear but for him IKSWIM?
So he might have been responding in kind but then thought maybe he’d read the sentiments wrong.
You’ll never know if you don’t communicate so yes talk to him and see how things go

Oh I don't think the 'for you or for me' was a joke. I think he means should they be sexy or practical...

Was the designer comment straight after or a while later?

Why can't you ask him?

I'm not sure whether you meant that sex is always in bed after watching tv..? That sounds like a very dull relationship at only four months in. Do you get out and do things? At four months of dating I would expect to only see each other a couple of times a week and to be going out. Perhaps this relationship could be rejuvenated with a little more fun (and possibly time apart, if you're together staying in a lot).

I did ask him — haha do you mean you or me wearing them & he said yes.

This was the pattern my relationship took. 4 months of flirting texting and sexting. He wasn't quite sure whether to start a new relationship due to his ex and complicated fears. He came back. We've been together properly since July. Its died out for us too. He has a bad back and sex isn't happening anyway now. But its like we've already turned into old people. There's nearly 16 years between us and I am starting to think his age is probably playing a factor now too.

Optimistic yes I do mean that: always in bed after TV. It used to be wild. We both have young kids from previous relationships and the kids don’t know about the relationship yet, we tend to see each other at home only. Or for a walk during the day if there’s a time neither of us has the kids.

@Milkyway34x it sounds like your relationship has run its course, if you've only been together since July and the sex has vanished. Is he the older one or you? I'd get rid regardless.

Take it from me ... men don't lose interest in sex because of age ... I wish my DH would . I've said this before on Mumsnet ... there seems to be such a mis match of partners ... I would love a DH 'who lost his mojo', I expect my DH would love a DW who still wanted an active sex life ....... my friend's 'boyfriend' is 80 and still badgering her for sex ....

Maybe because he was at work/busy and sexting was not appropriate at the time...

Frankly I would not appreciate someone sending me something like this when I am commuting/at work/busy with something else and being disappointed because I am not up for sexting on command. There is a time and a place...

I think you are overreacting here.

Thanks Electra. I think realistically too, I have to look at our contexts. We have massive stress surrounding us. His child’s mum is having mental health breakdown, his son is distressed, and my kids Dad has terminal illness, which is beyond words. Despite it all we’re managing to hold a really loving, emotionally intimate space so maybe sex after tv is ok and I should forget it for now…

He's 47 and older. His health deteriorated 2 months after we got together. He's had a back operation and he's waiting fir a scan. The pain he's in is suggesting a nerve is trapped due to a slipped disc. His back muscles are swollen into large hard lumps. So he simply can't perform full sex..

What was his actual joke / reply because just a picture of pants in a shop with ‘which ones?’ I wouldn’t personally see as ‘sexting’

I agree.
I think he probably thought you were asking an actual question rather than be flirty.
He could have also been at work or around people.

Don’t think too much about it. Just enjoy yourself.

@Milkyway34x

This was the pattern my relationship took. 4 months of flirting texting and sexting. He wasn't quite sure whether to start a new relationship due to his ex and complicated fears. He came back. We've been together properly since July. Its died out for us too. He has a bad back and sex isn't happening anyway now. But its like we've already turned into old people. There's nearly 16 years between us and I am starting to think his age is probably playing a factor now too.

Run. Don't walk.

16 years older, a bad back, no sex and he couldn't decide if he wanted to be with his ex?!