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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I report this behaviour?

23 replies

ChameNanged19 · 19/01/2022 11:53

Even writing this down I know that I absolutely should report it.

But in a nutshell -

  • DP put hidden cameras in our house in November, went away for 2 days and watched me for 48hrs, assuming I was having an affair
  • Since I left he has had trackers on my phone
  • turned up at my house unnanounced, hoping to catch me out at something
  • sent me unsolicited dick pictures
  • sent me messages saying 'fuck off and die'
  • has sent personal information about me to mine and his friends and family.

Do I just report it to police? What is the process and what would the outcome be? I don't want him to have a criminal record believe it or not - he'd lose his jobs and is still my DCs father.

It's been one thing after another and I'm at my wit's end, I can't focus on work and I'm losing it!

Has anyone reported similar behaviour?

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
MrMrsJones · 19/01/2022 11:56

I would report him, he sounds dangerous

Fuck the criminal record worry, its his choice to act this way.

What if it escalates and he kills you

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/01/2022 12:05

Report this to the police today; he is committing a crime.

He may well be your DCs father but he is showing them no respect either if he treats you as their mother like this. Its absolutely not your problem if he gets a criminal record as a result; you have a right to a life free from being abused and or otherwise surveilled as you are being by him.

onedayiwillflyaway1 · 19/01/2022 12:07

Yes report it, the consequences he faces are from his actions

Original poster
ChameNanged19 · 19/01/2022 12:12

Thanks all. I know if I saw it written down by someone else I'd be saying exactly the same, but it's easy to make excuses when it's actually you in the driver's seat.
What is the process? Would I need to make a formal statement? Would they arrest him? What would the charge be, harrassment?

OP posts:
onedayiwillflyaway1 · 19/01/2022 12:17

I'm assuming you live together, can you leave safely and do you have somewhere to go?

Original poster
ChameNanged19 · 19/01/2022 12:18

@onedayiwillflyaway1

I'm assuming you live together, can you leave safely and do you have somewhere to go?
We don't live together now, I moved out after the hidden cameras.
OP posts:
HollowTalk · 19/01/2022 12:34

He has to face the consequences of his actions, OP. Report him or he'll still be doing this in years to come.

RedCandyApple · 19/01/2022 12:36

Well are you still with him? I don’t get reporting it but staying with him? Surely you need to end things (and report too!)

Original poster
ChameNanged19 · 19/01/2022 12:40

@RedCandyApple

Well are you still with him? I don’t get reporting it but staying with him? Surely you need to end things (and report too!)
No, of course I'm not with him! I moved out after the hidden cameras!
OP posts:
PrawnofthePatriarchy · 19/01/2022 12:50

I think you need to report him. It means that if you need emergency help the police already know about his controlling, obsessive behaviour. This is the sort of behaviour that can lead to violence, even murder. Take it very seriously.

RedCandyApple · 19/01/2022 12:58

Oh good, he sounds quite scary tbh, report it even if it’s just so you have evidence incase anything else happens, honestly he sounds deranged!

Gatekeeperoffood · 19/01/2022 13:12

This is coercive control and stalking/harassment. You are very high risk of him escalating this behaviour and I would recommend reporting him. I learned the hard way that the problem is unlikely to just go away without legal action and even then, you have to push to have it enforced.

You can get a no contact order via the civil route. Womens centres often offer free legal advice concerning this. The other route would be to inform the police, you can ring 101 or specifically ask for the domestic violence team at the police station. If prosecuted, you can ask the judge for a no contact order at sentencing but you should document everything to date with a timeline and how it is affecting you. Document everything, keep all emails, phone records, voice messages etc. as it will strengthen your case.

Please don't take responsibility for the consequences of his actions. Trust me, this behaviour isn't because he loves/loved you, it because he has lost control over you and is trying to bully his way back. He sounds extremely dangerous, please protect yourself OP.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 19/01/2022 13:13

He’s a criminal and deserves a record for this.

Report.

RB68 · 19/01/2022 13:17

you need to document for yourself and report - be warned Police will want phones and laptops for a time to track his monitoring of you. You need to report every incident and anything you find cameras, letters, texts, inappropriate contact with you or kids, each and everytime report - it will only escalate and at some point you will have enough for an anti harassment order so that when he does it again he gets arrested. Its his behaviour and his responsibility and if he gets a crim record thats on him - better than him attacking you or the kids if things get out of control.

Warblerinwinter · 19/01/2022 13:21

I think you need to report for safety
But also to ensure that he is assessed as part of questioning. Tell the police this especially if you’ve been with him a while and this has suddenly come out of the blue.
. Pathological jealousy can be a symptom of mental health problems . Not an excuse for him. Just a fact.

Wreath21 · 19/01/2022 14:05

@Warblerinwinter

I think you need to report for safety But also to ensure that he is assessed as part of questioning. Tell the police this especially if you’ve been with him a while and this has suddenly come out of the blue. . Pathological jealousy can be a symptom of mental health problems . Not an excuse for him. Just a fact.
Op can mention to the police that there may be MH issues but it's not her responsibility to 'ensure' this abusive prick gets treatment. It's more important that he is blocked out of her life and DC's lives as thoroughly as possible.
onedayiwillflyaway1 · 19/01/2022 14:24

No harm in reporting his behaviour towards you, especially for the safety of you and your children

pinkyredrose · 19/01/2022 16:12

Of course you need to report him! He's dangerous!

2Gen · 19/01/2022 19:52

Please report him OP, he sounds unhinged and even dangerous. If he get a record that's on him and furthermore, I think he should have one because this is criminal behaviour. Put your own and your children's safety, well being and peace of mind first. Good luck and I'm sorry he's doing this to you!

TerraNovaTwo · 19/01/2022 21:55

Don't tell him you're reporting him. Cover your tracks. Don't confront him. Your risk of homicide is, sorry to alarm you, statistically high judging from the information you've shared on here.

Please keep yourself safe, OP. FlowersSad

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 19/01/2022 22:07

@RedCandyApple

Oh good, he sounds quite scary tbh, report it even if it’s just so you have evidence incase anything else happens, honestly he sounds deranged!
IF the police are on the ball. We read too many stories about women constantly reporting men like this, and police failing them at the crucial moment.
Whysolong7 · 19/01/2022 22:21

Absolutely report this. I hate to mention it but if this behaviour escalates you may need help which will be easier to obtain if there is a record of this dangerous behaviour.

saffy1234 · 19/01/2022 22:42

Someone I know had an ex like this
He ended up setting fire to her house.
Seriously this behaviour is disturbing and needs reporting.

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