Feeling like it's me that's the issue

[iloverock]

Was with H for 10 years, 2 dds. I left. He was emotionally abusive and controlling. Still sends me shitty messages all these years later.

Another relationship of 4 years. Again emotionally abusive and controlling. Difficult breakup. Protracted court proceedings and injunctions.

Just ended a 3 year relationship- a few issues during the time together. I posted about him and whether I loved him etc. it's ended in a not very pleasant way. He crossed boundaries and has involved other people for no reason. Won't give straight answer to simple questions. Now claiming I'm cruel and heartless.

I just feel utterly despondent and a failure. 3 failed relationships - I keep asking myself if it's me. I am the common denominator and think there must be something wrong with me.

It's not that there's something wrong with you op , it's probably that you've been conditioned to accept a really low standard of behaviour in relationships.

For example , another person would see a behaviour they don't like , take some distance then leave. You may be seeing these red flags as normal. Do you think that's the case?

It sounds like it isn't you in the sense that you're the one causing the issues, rather that it is the choices you repeatedly keep making. Whether you are tolerant of behaviours early on which would make many women leave etc.

I can see in hindsight that there were red flags at the beginning of each relationship that ended up going badly that i ignored. Was it the same with you?

It's not just you, all people dating come across these types. The difference is that, if you are not a person who has experienced abuse, you see the abuse quicker and bin them off, move on to better.
When conditioned to abusive situations, you don't recognise the signs and in fact although there, they seem like normal behaviour to you. That's why you progress with abusive relationships and stick with them longer. So the key is to understand the signs - write them down ,- and be rigid about any lines being crossed. Date for as long as you can before becoming intimate so that you have time to assess them before you get sucked in.

Definitely red flags in the first two relationships that I ignored.

3rd one not necessarily red flags but issues that have arisen that have pissed me off. Not sure I love him and friends certainly have an opinion that I can do way better.

In that case try to work on being less of a people pleaser op. Just a warning , you may lose friends or piss family members off as you transition , but your eyes will well and truly open once you begin to assert yourself!

And just to say op. These abusive types approach everyone when dating. It's just that the people with firmer boundaries tell them to piss off when they try their nonsense.

3rd you said he involved other people but so did you,your friends had their opinion AND you posted on a forum. That's the definition of involving other people. So I think you're on a sticky wicket with that one , but the other two - youve been unlucky by the sounds of it