Guy I'm dating liking other girls photos on instagram

[Fairylights246]

Fucking social media bringing up issues which makes me feel so childish when I am 30 bloody years old.

I have been dating a guy for 2 months, we talked about exclusivity a few weeks ago and said how much we liked eachother, only want to date eachother. Everything has been going well, no red flags, no concerns. I felt very optimistic!

I don't know why, maybe because I have trust issues, but I decided to look at who he is following...he follows a lot of friends, celebs, normal profiles, interests. But also quite a few random women (Instagram type models) that he obviously doesn't know. Or just random girls he doesnt know.

I decided to look, and saw that he is regularly liking the photos of lots of different girls. This made me feel so upset. It just feels gross to me, disloyal, disrespectful and immature.

I told him exactly how I felt. His response was that to him it didnt mean anything because these people are not real people to him, that Instagram isnt real life, and that yeah he likes the photo because he thinks they look good, but it doesnt mean he wants to date them/talk to them/ have sex with them.....err well surely a woman posing in her bikini in a provocative way is to make you think about her in a sexual way and you "liking" just affirms that??

He said he understood my perspective and that he followed these accounts when he was single, and that he knows he needs to remove them, but that he doesnt feel he has been disloyal, but takes on board what I have said..that him liking these photos doesnt mean he isnt invested in me, and that he is invested in me, only wants to date me etc.

I dont know I just dont know if I can forget it. I feel like it has tainted my view of him. Has made me feel horrible and has broken trust :(

You were able to talk it through with him so that counts for a lot.

I wouldn't like it either. You've explained your position so let's see what he does. Have you said that you don't want porn in the relationship either? I suppose what I'm thinking is that it's good to draw your boundaries whilst the relationship is new. And it's absolutely your right to do so. Some posters will attack you and say you are controlling, insecure etc and that it's a bit of harmless fun etc but I call bullshit on that.

Your boundaries are your boundaries. If you need a man to be respectful, loyal and not be ogling other women then you are allowed to ask for that.

As above, you've talked it through which is great. I don't know how I'd feel if dp did this - he's allergic to all social media. But I do know how id feel if he was looking at and dictating my social media behaviour - I'd be mightily pissed off and concerned about his insecurity and self esteem.

Also well done you for saying how you feel. Don't lose that. Most people shut up and put up and then justify the losses.

The thing about having poor self esteem is that we are judged for it as though you can just raise your self esteem as a matter of choice regardless of any history of bad treatment by men etc. I don't know a single woman in real life who has body confidence. Even twenty year old girls I know who genuinely do look like their instagram photos are in states of loathing for their bodies.

He won't see it as being disloyal - and the relationship is new so he might see it as intrusive but you are trying to establish a sense of safety with him which albeit a clumsy way to do so you do need to talk about what makes you feel safe and what makes you feel unsafe.

Baseline for me was saying "I don't want to be out with you and have you checking out other women. I don't want porn in the relationship and I don't want you ogling girls on social media or constantly telling me how beautiful other women are." These are all reasonable requests to an adult man in a relationship.

disloyal, disrespectful and immature.

That's how I'd view a new partner who stalked my Instagram.

Yeah it was a very healthy discussion that we had, and I felt very listened to and heard and he acknowledged everything I said. And I told him I did feel embarrassed, like it shouldn't affect me, that I should be super confident...but I'm not, it did make me feel bad about myself and I compared myself to these women. It did make me question his loyalty and if he has a wandering eye. Obviously I don't know him that well, so the trust is being established.
I don't want to come across as controlling, but I feel that it is inappropriate and damaging to me for him to do that. It doesn't feel harmless because it hurts my feelings and feels disloyal to our connection.

We havent spoken about porn - for some reason that doesnt bother me in the same way.... I dont like porn because I think it is abusive - but I would feel more accepting of him watching that because that is very detached and disconnected maybe. Whereas on Instagram he can contact these people, and it just feels different for some reason.

I dont like porn because I think it is abusive - but I would feel more accepting of him watching that because that is very detached and disconnected maybe. Whereas on Instagram he can contact these people, and it just feels different for some reason

That is a seriously odd viewpoint!

Yes, I know!

It's tricky but I can understand why you wanted to check him out on social media and see what you are dealing with. Lots of people wouldn't be bothered by what they saw and others would.

For me I suppose it would depend on if he had liked these images whilst he was with me - then I would find it disrespectful, if before me then I wouldnt be worried. Porn is a dealbreaker for me and might not be for others.

Was he liking the images whilst in a relationship with you?

@WandaWomblesaurus73

It's tricky but I can understand why you wanted to check him out on social media and see what you are dealing with. Lots of people wouldn't be bothered by what they saw and others would.

For me I suppose it would depend on if he had liked these images whilst he was with me - then I would find it disrespectful, if before me then I wouldnt be worried. Porn is a dealbreaker for me and might not be for others.

Was he liking the images whilst in a relationship with you?

Yeah he has liked several different girls in the time we have been dating. The one that upset me most was this blonde woman in underwear and a bikini which he liked 2 days ago. I keep thinking about what he has said, and he did take it all on board, but he never actually said sorry or that it was an upsetting thing to do.

I had this aswell. Women weren't bikini clad but the poses were sensual//sexual in nature. He had liked and commented on some eg stunning photo or a flame emoji.
I was disgusted.
We talked like you and it stopped.
Would you be ok with him liking previous girfriends posts? Not sexual but generally?

If after two months a man tried to tell me who I could and could not like on Instagram I’d think it was controlling and it would be a red flag. You need to work on your own self esteem and confidence. He sounds like he’s willing to hear what you have to say but he’s not responsible for your feelings and maybe the relationship isn’t right for either of you.‘“i feel that it is inappropriate and damaging to me for him to do that.” .

I guess the question is how would he feel if you were on instagram regularly liking photos of bodybuilding men in little shorts?

It would put me off him, it just seems rather pathetic on his part.

I think it's very immature of him to follow these women if he's not interested in a personal relationship with them, but that's my view of social media in general.
I only interact with people I know and it's not the same for other people.

But, he was really respectful and understanding of your feelings and willing to make a change to help you so I think you'd be daft to give up on what's seemingly the start of a very lovely relationship.

Not even the women he follows will look like that in real life. Filters and posing and even photoshop are at play.

I would think less of him but happy that he had listened to me.

@girlmom21

I think it's very immature of him to follow these women if he's not interested in a personal relationship with them, but that's my view of social media in general. I only interact with people I know and it's not the same for other people.

But, he was really respectful and understanding of your feelings and willing to make a change to help you so I think you'd be daft to give up on what's seemingly the start of a very lovely relationship.

Yes this...

I think men don't understand sometimes how upsetting it can be for us if they are ogling other women because they are socialised and encouraged to think it's ok and also there's always women who will say they don't mind it so those of us who do find it disrespectful end up feeling ashamed and judged.

I think it's pathetic that men do this and it's ok to say so. I also know that some men don't understand straight away and need a few discussions especially if there has been any abuse or betrayal in a woman's past that might make her feel even more vulnerable to feeling unnerved by it.

I sometimes work with women who are victims of partners who are porn addicted and it's messy, the betrayal is deep especially when these men are using cam girls etc and justifying it as not being unfaithful - so I see a lot of degrees of bad behaviour.

If he's willing to understand this is a point of safety for you he might get it. For many women there are concerns around feeling that we are desired and loved and if a man is interacting with women on social media by liking their bikini pictures it's crap. It interferes with our sense of intimacy with a man if we think he's constantly fantasising about other women. Again I think there are lines for each of us and what might bother one won't bother another.

I think just keep the lines of communication open and if he still keeps doing it then it's time for you to get a poster sized picture of Daniel Craig coming out of the water in his tiny swimming shorts framed on your bedroom wall opposite the bed 😂

@ProudThrilledHappy I don't think this example works, partly because most male bodybuilder likes come from men who admire them / want to look like them.

A more apt comparison would be to ask how he would feel if strange men were buying you gifts or sending you money.

I see you are getting shamed for "stalking" his instagram.
I think it's important for women to know what we are getting into and often the persons social media will show us what he's like. This is his social media we are talking about - the way he PUBLICLY holds himself and behaves. OP isn't reading his private emails or texts.

[quote Lpc3]@ProudThrilledHappy I don't think this example works, partly because most male bodybuilder likes come from men who admire them / want to look like them.

A more apt comparison would be to ask how he would feel if strange men were buying you gifts or sending you money.[/quote]
Yes or if you were putting bikini shots on your social media and men were commenting and interacting with you.

N/A sorry wrong post I commented on.

My ex used to do this and he was 29-31. It showed disrespect and I don't know why when he cheated that it was a shock.

I only follow mates and a few celebs like alison Hammond lol

My fella follows 20-25 people all close mates. Sure he will obviously come across attractive women online but he wouldn't follow or like the pictures.

I would honestly say to you it's only been eight weeks. Leave. It's all about respect.