Who regrets leaving? Stay or go…

[JM77]

I’m pretty sure I want to leave my husband and that I’d be happier without him. This has been a reoccurring though of mine for years. He was unkind and critical towards me for a number of years and it got to the point where I didn’t feel like he liked me anymore let alone loved me. We went through counselling which tried to help me understand certain behaviours of his (all due to stress and undiagnosed depression) and to help me move on and for him to change and to a certain extent it did, he’s tried really hard, but I still have this feeling I’d be happier alone, maybe too much water under the bridge. I tried to leave twice last year but he manages to convince me to stay. Tells me I’ll regret it, this isn’t what I want, think of the children, give it another few weeks, If I do this he will disappear for a while because it’s just too painful. And then I can’t bear going through all that process again so I don’t. We have 2 children aged 2 and 5 and I’m so torn as to whats best for them and that maybe I can just push this feeling down and carry on. He’s a good dad and treats us nicely mostly now until he gets overly stressed but is better at reigning himself back now, he’s good around the house and makes effort for us but I just can’t shake this feeling. I still feel like I can’t be totally myself around him. We can have a laugh sometimes but I see it more like friends and awkward when it gets flirty. He’s doesn’t like me going out and will badger me constantly when I am “just checking in” “where are you now” and I’m just so tired of living like it. Promises of this change never actually materialises although he is trying.

Would I be happier Or am I just going through a tough few years and need to fight it? Reading that second option it’s clear to me it’s not what I want but he won’t accept anything but is making this marriage work. I know I’m the only one who can sort this but I guess I’m just looking for some reassurance to listen to what my hearts telling me I suppose. Has anyone been here before and have a happy ending either way? Thanks for reading

This is not good “He’s doesn’t like me going out and will badger me constantly when I am “just checking in” “where are you now”

Honestly I would hit the roof, or perhaps try and tackle this more calmly.

You went to counselling and all I read is that you had to change how you responded to his actions.

If you want to try and stay you need to put it all out in the open and make sure the changes you need from him are non-negotiable.

I would say something along the lines of, " you made me miserable for years taking your stress and undiagnosed depression out on me. You never realised how your actions affected me, us or perhaps you did and didn't care. I need nights out with friends to recharge without being questioned either you trust me or you don't but the constant badgering is wearing me down. I am not your property, and I am not going to stay just because you threaten you will disappear for a while. This indicates all you are interested in is punishing me, punishing your wife, mother if your children, you are showing no care for the kids and utter contempt for me. And I deserve more. I have stood by you through an awful lot (list everything) and you still think threats, because right now that is all you have threats, are the way to keep us together. So it stops here. Either you start really wanting the changes between us and make them or it's over. Have I made myself perfectly clear. I am not your property or emotional punch bag, enough is enough. It stops now one way or another together or not"

You do not need his permission to end the marriage; only your own.

Why did you describe him as a good dad?. He really isn't is he?. Women in poor relationships often write that sort of comment too when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

It sounds like the counsellor who you saw jointly was also manipulated into taking his side. This counsellor also seems to have no concept of how abuse within a relationship works against the abuser's chosen target.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want this sort of marriage and or relationship for them, no you would not. You would want better for them. And you deserve better too.

Undiagnosed depression is exactly that - undiagnosed. What has he actually done off his own bat to address any of his supposed depression and or stress issues?.

He has been variously critical and unkind towards you for some years now. Have you actually considered that his behaviour towards you could be seen to be rooted in abuse?. Many abusers use depression, stress and or anxiety as reasons or justification for their own poor and really abuse based behaviour. Look also at how he behaves around people in the outside world; he may well appear to be quite plausible to them.

I would not stay with someone who couldn't cope with me being out. Split and work out how to co-parent effectively.

I am in a similar situation. I have been unhappily married for the vast majority of our 20 year marriage. He is emotionally abusive, angry, gives me a hard time if I go out, had an affair, pesters for sex (counts how often we do it and gets angry if I don't want to). The past 18 months have improved hugely, and now I am in a position to leave, I am panicking if I should or not. It is all i am thinking about day and night and he has such plans for our future, but tomorrow could be in a vile mood and the cycle starts again.

Have had a day of it today with him and just snapped and told him I want out, which is usually how it goes. I’ve got Covid and feeling a bit rubbish so I haven’t gone to work and he’s been too much constant questions of “why are you being off with me” “ what have I done” nothing I’m just poorly right now will you leave me be please but no of course he can’t! Same pattern already, “why do you want to go?” I say the same things he says he will go back to counselling to help with his stress and anxiety and controlling nature but I don’t want him to. He will now badger badger badger me until I say yes I will give you another go. I’ve said it too early now as I have Covid so can’t actually go anywhere and he’s already reiterated he won’t be going anywhere because it’s me who wants to leave. Stuck stuck stuck. 😢

This all sounds really hard work. Sorry you have covid. Concentrate on getting better and maybe re assess the situation. Very difficult decision to make.

I don't understand why you're posting then ignoring all advice.

I don't understand why you haven't left and still put up with his crap in the 'hope that he will change'.

You can lose years of your life like this.

Or you can make a decision for YOU and make the change yourself.

You are the only reason you are 'stuck'. So do something about it. Sorry if that' sounds harsh but you are the only person who can change this.

It's never as simple as that it's very difficult

Green fingers I’ve already lost years of my life like this, trying to be happy with him. I know I’m the only one who can change it but it is so hard to keep telling someone who loves you that you don’t love them and don’t want to be with them anymore when they are begging you, crying saying they will do anything to be with you. So already I have caved and said yes and the cycle begins again. I have nowhere to go here even if I didn’t have Covid. Can’t afford to rent somewhere here, no family around here or close enough friends to turn up on their doorstep with kids. My family live 4 hours away, what do I do about school for the children? Just totally upheave not only their home but school and friends and then telling them they can’t see their dad because mums moved them too far away? He doesn’t see why I want to leave because he’s changed so much and it’s horrible having to keep telling someone you just don’t love them And it seems I can’t do it. Advice is appreciated even if not all advice I am offered is accepted, that’s the point of these forums isn’t it…Trying to find some that fits/resonates? It’s not all the same. It’s just nice to be listened to as well.

I’ve got Covid and feeling a bit rubbish so I haven’t gone to work and he’s been too much constant questions of “why are you being off with me” “ what have I done” nothing I’m just poorly right now will you leave me be please but no of course he can’t!

He is being dishonest. He can leave you alone, if he wanted to, but he doesn't want to. If he was honest he would say "how dare you be unwell when I want you right here looking after me." And "how dare you go out by yourself when I want you right here with me."

Green fingers I’ve already lost years of my life like this, trying to be happy with him.

You can't get those years back, so are you going to lose even more years trying to be happy with a man who doesn't make you happy? Or are you going to find a way to enjoy the years you have left?

it is so hard to keep telling someone who loves you that you don’t love them

So don't tell him that. Tell him what you want. "I want to go out with my friends and I don't want you to interrupt me while I'm out." "I want peace and quiet when I am ill". If he loved you he would give you those things, so if he says he loves you and he doesn't do those things then you know he's not being honest. Whether you love him or not isn't really the point any more. So you never have to say you don't love him, but finally when (or if) you make you your mind up to go you can just say "I want to leave".

He will now badger badger badger me until I say yes I will give you another go.

He badgers because you give in. You don't have to give in, you just have to make your mind up what you want and stick to it.

I have nowhere to go here even if I didn’t have Covid. Can’t afford to rent somewhere here, no family around here or close enough friends to turn up on their doorstep with kids. My family live 4 hours away, what do I do about school for the children?

So you are mostly with him for practical reasons? Once you decide that he is not your future, you will start to figure out solutions.

He is abusing you. This is the cycle of abuse.

I understand that he's conditioned to to believe you need his permission to do anything - but you don't. You don't need his permission to end the relationship.

It's normal to grieve the end of a relationship and to need time to adjust to the change - trays not the same as it being a mistake.

You need to see this through.

Freedom Programme and Women's Aid can both help.

it is so hard to keep telling someone who loves you that you don’t love them and don’t want to be with them anymore when they are begging you, crying saying they will do anything to be with you.

That is classic abuser behaviour. He is manipulating you. There are literally textbooks describing him and what he's doing.

Secondly, you don't have to engage with it! When he starts manipulating you, disengage. You don't have to keep telling him you don't love him. You don't have to keep justifying yourself.

If he loved you, he would respect your decisions instead of trying to manipulate and control you. Control is not love.

I split 2 years ago
No regrets
But my sons mental health is ducked so
Life is no easier
But I still don’t regret it xx

Oh, and I left. I struggled with guilt and fear and obligation like you. It wasn't easy, it was emotional.

But it was the right thing and seeing it through was the right thing. The difficult emotions fade. Life gets better again.

If you stay, life stays shit. Leaving is temporarily difficult but it unlocks the chance for life to get better.

He’s doesn’t like me going out and will badger me constantly when I am “just checking in” “where are you now” and I’m just so tired of living like it.

This alone is reason enough to leave. Your husband is manipulative, calculating, and abusive. I've never known anyone who regretted leaving a marriage, but I know many who deeply regret staying as long as they did.

Your children are very young which will be much easier on them. Leave now and don't look back.

Thank you for your responses. I have arranged to see some properties on Monday and I’m really hoping I can see it through this time. It’s so hard for me to determine if it is abuse or not. He’s not angry if he can’t get in touch with me (always) usually just sad. I don’t want to waste Womens Aid time that should be spent on people that really need it so just trying to sort on my own

@JM77 you’re dulling down your own needs. Leave this badgering, critical, angry/sad man. Trust yourself. Look at what you’ve written here and imagine it was your best friend telling you all of this. I bet you wouldn’t tell her to bury her feelings and plough on regardless.

Why do his feelings and comfort trump yours? Why does he get to decide whether you stay or go; isn’t he supposed to be the one who wants you to be happy?