Can't let go of letting him go

[Tavelo]

The same story that's been told a million times before now I'm sure.

Had a relationship a few years back with a guy I clicked so well with. We were early to mid twenties at the time of the relationship. I decided to go my own way as I felt I had a lot yet to experience and was interested in meeting others. It's been a while since we connected and I started to miss him, tried to reconnect but he's seeing someone else now. We met up to talk about stuff just before Christmas and had the odd chat via messenger/the phone which has basically been discussing some of the issues in the past which had been unaddressed. The issues were mostly from me, I had a bit of a chaotic start in life coming from a DV home and also quite a poor upbringing so really had to beat the odds just to make a basic life for myself. I had a few emotional problems after what I'd experienced in my family. I just sort of close off and the more someone tries to reach me the more I isolate myself. I'm just so sad now. I have dated other men but everyone seems so tedious compared to him. He's such a lovely person and he makes me laugh so much. I miss him more than anything in my whole life and I really just don't know what to do.

Although I regret letting him go I'm aware that the issues I had at the times and choices I made aren't something thay would have been easy to change. But still, the longing to be close to him again is so big.

If anyone has experienced similar or has any advice for moving forwards I'd appreciate it.

If you have reached out and he knows you are available and he wants to continue seeing the other person then he's not for you. Not to patronise you, but these things happen in life don't they. Feelings of missed opportunities, regrets. You just have to try not to focus on it and push on. Especially if it couldn't be avoided at the time.

Personally I would go completely no contact or at the least very low contact. It only worked for me to get over someone when I cut them out of my life, otherwise you will just continue to feel that longing.

Best of luck with it

Imagine yourself in a relationship with him. Then imagine him messaging and meeting up with an ex to talk about their previous relationship because she wants to get back with him. Would you be OK with that? Because that is what he is doing to his current partner. He doesn’t sound such a great guy now does he?

@Honey83

Thanks for your advice. I don't think I could go NC but low contact is probably a good idea, to be honest it's already like that. It's true that these things happen.

@AllGoodPoints

I know what you mean but to be honest I think he has replied to me sort of reluctantly and for my sake rather than his. And we haven't really discussed getting back together, the way things ended left a lot of.issues unaddressed and it was mostly me trying to explain why my behaviour was so strange. It was quite helpful. To be honest the thought of him leaving someone for me puts me of for that reason, and I don't believe he would anyway. He is really a good person. If it was possible I wish there was two versions of him so I could be with him too but of course there isn't lol so I can't be. I think my main sadness comes from not knowing anyone else quite like him. It's such a horrible lonely feeling.

I know how you feel OP and it consumes your thoughts everyday. I have a child with my ex and we've been separated for years. He's moved on and unfortunately I haven't but I still have to communicate with him. Honestly do go nc and block him on all social media and email.

He's moved on with someone else. Stop itching at the wound, leave it - him alone. You have all the answers within yourself. There is no need to 'explain' and write him paragraphs of what happened with you two. He's got a new love interest, just let it go.

Low contact is best. But what will really help you is making a life of your own that fills you with contentment so you don't need him or anyone else to fill the loneliness. And obviously working on letting others in (which will only happen once you accept he can't give you what you want). You're also very young, so plenty of opportunities still to meet people who may be even better. Just because you haven't met them yet, doesn't mean you never will!

As pp have said, there is no need to have to explain yourself or your feelings or even trying to build a friendship. I know it seems like it's important that he knows, but he has moved on and won't be thinking of the past the way you are. From what you've described, it doesn't seem like he's bothered about a friendship anyway, and met up with you more for your sake, as a courtesy. I don't think he'll even notice if you go NC - people don't tend to think about their ex-es when they're in a new relationship and it's been so long. So stop pushing it, leave him be and focus on your future. No good comes from living in the past.

Thank you to everyone for your input and especially to @todaysdilemma for your helpful advice.

I might not have been clear about the contact we have had, it wasn't so much writing at length but getting things out that I'd kept to myself even when we were together. It was partially because I was aware that the way I behaved probably made him feel bad about himself and I think that by clarifying that I had issues that affected things has made it clear that it wasn't him that was causing the problems. Although it's been hard processing all of this, I'm aware that I might not have come to terms with certain problems within myself if I hadn't have confronted this so that's something I suppose.

And you are all right about looking to the future of course, thats what I have to put my effort into now.
Thank you!