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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband texting woman from work

25 replies

Mumof3lions · 18/01/2022 20:10

Hey! So a woman that my husband works with has been texting him asking for help with stuff on his days off. We have 3 young children and this is quite demanding, we both work and juggle childcare so time off is precious. I just don't see where this woman is coming from in texting him - she is married with a young child herself, can she not appreciate that my husband having a wife and 3 young kids may have other things to do?
I don't want to be over contolling/ of course he's going to have friends but to every day private message him asking things? As well as working with him?

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 18/01/2022 20:11

Is he saying yes and helping her?

Original poster
Mumof3lions · 18/01/2022 20:19

KiloWhat yes, but certain things, like joining her walking group he has said he only wants to do with his wife (me) but has after a while joined?

OP posts:
BarefootHippieChick · 18/01/2022 20:19

I think it's quite obvious where she's coming from and why she's texting your husband every day. The question is, how does he feel about it?

Original poster
Mumof3lions · 18/01/2022 20:21

I have told him I didn't like her behaviour before, and he has told her that I think she is bullying him (their 'banter' was a bit over the top on her part)

OP posts:
BarefootHippieChick · 18/01/2022 20:27

He told her you think she's bullying him?! That's not a particularly nice thing to say about you to a woman he works with imo

Blue4YOU · 18/01/2022 20:29

Sorry if this isn’t a correct understanding- he told her you think she’s bullying him??
Why would he tell her that?
Did you say that or he is shit-stirring?
I’m not sure I’d like this one bit - he’s “telling on you” to someone he could just as easily tell her she’s not to text him.
Plus why does him joining a walking group amount to a favour? It sounds like she wants to be around him, he knows it, he doesn’t mind one bit and he’s putting you down to her

Aquamarine1029 · 18/01/2022 20:30

@Mumof3lions

I have told him I didn't like her behaviour before, and he has told her that I think she is bullying him (their 'banter' was a bit over the top on her part)
Why the fuck would he have told her that? Is he really that daft?
ComtesseDeSpair · 18/01/2022 20:32

Why on earth would he tell her that his wife thinks she’s bullying him? Isn’t he capable of deciding for himself whether or not he likes the “banter” and telling her to stop it or leave him alone

The whole dynamic of your and his relationship and whatever this work friendship is sounds totally odd. You declaring things about her bullying him, him telling her that you’ve said so, him being seemingly incapable of saying “sorry Lauren, being a dad of three keeps me really busy at the weekends, when we go out walking it’s as a family - but enjoy your group and do let me know of any interesting routes you find” or “sorry, can’t help out - but here’s the number for Steve our local handyman.”

stupendousfragmentariness · 18/01/2022 20:35

So you're already being cast as the humourless no fun one who doesn't get banter.

SunflowerTed · 18/01/2022 20:56

They should not be texting. End of

BarefootHippieChick · 18/01/2022 21:03

@stupendousfragmentariness

So you're already being cast as the humourless no fun one who doesn't get banter.

Indeed. My wife doesn't understand me and all that bollocks.

SunshineOnKeith · 18/01/2022 21:09

@Mumof3lions

KiloWhat yes, but certain things, like joining her walking group he has said he only wants to do with his wife (me) but has after a while joined?
Ah so he can tell you he 'told her' but in reality his actions are telling her he's interested.

She's not the problem. He is.

He could stop this if he wanted to.
He doesn't want to

Original poster
Mumof3lions · 18/01/2022 21:11

Yes stupendousfragmentariness I can cope with this to be honest, 3 age 4 and under has led me town the 'don't give a shit' path however I don't like what I would view as unkindness (their 'banter') and my husband is a spineless git who would call her out on this by proxy (me) at least I think Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3lions · 18/01/2022 21:12

Yes, apparently he is 🙄

OP posts:
ChinstrapBobblehat · 18/01/2022 21:15

What exactly do you mean by ‘help with stuff’? Work related stuff, or just other random stuff? Filling in her tax return? Unblocking her drains? Where is her husband and what does he think about her constantly texting a bloke she works with?

The over-the-top banter and the fact he’s told her about the bullying remark is all a bit weird, tbh. As is the fact he’s joined her walking group. Seriously?! To go out with her, presumably in free time he’d otherwise be spending with you and his children - it’s all so bizarre. I think you probably know what the deal is with her. Just depends on whether your DH is interested in going along with it.

Original poster
Mumof3lions · 18/01/2022 21:33

ChinstrapBobblehat stuff like helping her with laptop issues, Walking routes (funnily enough) around areas we know well, swimming stuff as they both enjoy swimming. Husband claims to be completely ignorant of any ulterior motive on her part. He claims that I am always like this with women he works with (??) he works with mainly women and this is the second time (over the same woman) that we've had a disagreement. He claims he can't see why she would be interested in him?

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 18/01/2022 21:35

@Mumof3lions

KiloWhat yes, but certain things, like joining her walking group he has said he only wants to do with his wife (me) but has after a while joined?
In that case I think he fancies her tbh
SunshineOnKeith · 18/01/2022 21:36

@Mumof3lions

ChinstrapBobblehat stuff like helping her with laptop issues, Walking routes (funnily enough) around areas we know well, swimming stuff as they both enjoy swimming. Husband claims to be completely ignorant of any ulterior motive on her part. He claims that I am always like this with women he works with (??) he works with mainly women and this is the second time (over the same woman) that we've had a disagreement. He claims he can't see why she would be interested in him?
Yeah cos only someone like you would be interested in him. Not this amazing woman who showers him with attention Hmm He's either got a crush or is in his way to an emotional affair. Either way he's investing time and emotion into another woman that he's not investing in your relationship. If he was doing loads of fun, quality stuff with you and also being a partner with domestic chores you wouldn't resent him occasionally helping someone else.

But I guarantee he's prioritising her over you

Riverlee · 18/01/2022 21:38

Is he prioritising her over you? What would happen if you suggest going on these walks?

Has your husband got a touch of ‘knight in shining armour’ complex?

Sonaftersonafterson · 18/01/2022 21:41

He does know what's going on. He fully knows and even if by any slim chance he WAS oblivious, you have now made it clear how you feel. So he should put an end to it immediately

Shes a predator...watch her. Slowly but surely weedling her way into your husbands life. Next she will have a personal issue, and he will advise her...and then it becomes emotional. Its dodgy dodgy ground.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 18/01/2022 21:45

It all sounds highly suspicious Id call him gutless and say its me or her.

AmandaHoldensLips · 18/01/2022 21:54

I'd give her a ring from your husband's phone next time she sends a text on a non-work day and ask her what's so important that she keeps pestering your H on his day off.

Bookworm20 · 19/01/2022 11:42

He claims he can't see why she would be interested in him?

What exactly is he saying here then? Thats she's so gorgeous, she couldn't possibly be attracted to someone like him? What does that say about you!

Also, in that phrase, there is no 'she's definitely not interested in'. Its more of a wondering as to 'why' she is interested in him.

He definitely knows she is interested in him.

Husband claims to be completely ignorant of any ulterior motive on her part.
Of course he'll claim that. Again, its not a flat out, she's not interested.

He claims that I am always like this with women he works with

Classic, 'stop asking me questions about this woman' line. Make you feel like you are being unreasonable to even bring it up.

I'd be keeping a very close eye on this.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/01/2022 12:35

He claims that I am always like this with women he works with (??)

Sounds to me like getting his excuse in first - as in "You drove me to it" - but it's the claim to be unaware of any ulterior motive which would make me fume
Most likely he's enjoying this just fine, with not just one but two women who seem to want him ... what a wonderful guy he must think he is Hmm

Opentooffers · 19/01/2022 12:47

I think you are misinterpreting their banter because you don't want to see what's really happening. The bantery jibes are her flirting, if he's giving it back, he's flirting back. But the fact that he has joined her walking group, means that he does actually want to spend more time with her and he's liking the attention. This is a potential budding affair, see it for what it is, it's the opposite of bullying, she wants to gain favour and get close to him and he is responding.

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